The holidays are really the only time I get to talk about cranberries with my family
November 26, 2025 at 11:27 PM
The holidays are really the only time I get to talk about cranberries with my family
Please circulate this composite far and wide. Let’s give Homeland Security Doe her name back
November 26, 2025 at 4:12 AM
Please circulate this composite far and wide. Let’s give Homeland Security Doe her name back
If I send you this emoji 🔪 it means I’m thinking about knife
November 26, 2025 at 4:05 AM
If I send you this emoji 🔪 it means I’m thinking about knife
This is a movie I’d like to see rebooted every few years
November 21, 2025 at 3:42 AM
This is a movie I’d like to see rebooted every few years
Anyone know Sting’s politics? The singer or the wrestler? Trying to bag a biker slut at Mike Riley’s. She won’t tell me which
November 15, 2025 at 5:02 AM
Anyone know Sting’s politics? The singer or the wrestler? Trying to bag a biker slut at Mike Riley’s. She won’t tell me which
I personally do not think ol Donny Trump should be able to wriggle out of this jam. I think this is a jam he should remain in with no wriggling
November 12, 2025 at 7:28 PM
I personally do not think ol Donny Trump should be able to wriggle out of this jam. I think this is a jam he should remain in with no wriggling
showing up 4 hours early to a karaoke night and asking to sound check
November 8, 2025 at 11:33 PM
showing up 4 hours early to a karaoke night and asking to sound check
Lost in some of the bigger election news last night: Dick Swaab has won the Sewer District
November 5, 2025 at 7:40 PM
Lost in some of the bigger election news last night: Dick Swaab has won the Sewer District
I’m at Debra Messing’s election party desperately trying to keep her attention away from the TV by grilling her on her experience filming The Mothman Prophecies
November 5, 2025 at 2:25 AM
I’m at Debra Messing’s election party desperately trying to keep her attention away from the TV by grilling her on her experience filming The Mothman Prophecies
I’ll take the L on this. It was a mistake to hold the official election-eve fundraiser for Andrew Cuomo at the Topgolf in Schaumburg, IL. Attendees are nice enough, but absolutely none are registered voters in NYC. Honestly, spending the last 2 weeks in Schaumburg has been a bad idea all around.
November 4, 2025 at 1:34 AM
I’ll take the L on this. It was a mistake to hold the official election-eve fundraiser for Andrew Cuomo at the Topgolf in Schaumburg, IL. Attendees are nice enough, but absolutely none are registered voters in NYC. Honestly, spending the last 2 weeks in Schaumburg has been a bad idea all around.
Putting the finishing touches on my Koen Wauters as “Peter” costume from the 1992 George Kennedy movie Intensive Care
October 31, 2025 at 10:39 PM
Putting the finishing touches on my Koen Wauters as “Peter” costume from the 1992 George Kennedy movie Intensive Care
Tony the Tiger is nude. A scarf means nothing.
I said it.
I said it.
October 31, 2025 at 2:55 AM
Tony the Tiger is nude. A scarf means nothing.
I said it.
I said it.
“I hope this email finds you well. I represent Santana.”
- How I imagine Santana’s team reached out to Michelle Branch’s team to start what became “The Game of Love” on the smash 2002 album Supernatural
- How I imagine Santana’s team reached out to Michelle Branch’s team to start what became “The Game of Love” on the smash 2002 album Supernatural
October 28, 2025 at 11:17 PM
“I hope this email finds you well. I represent Santana.”
- How I imagine Santana’s team reached out to Michelle Branch’s team to start what became “The Game of Love” on the smash 2002 album Supernatural
- How I imagine Santana’s team reached out to Michelle Branch’s team to start what became “The Game of Love” on the smash 2002 album Supernatural
They should arrest players for doing bloopers
October 23, 2025 at 11:20 PM
They should arrest players for doing bloopers
The Portland Trail Blazers have named Tommy “Big Knucks” Vanzetti as interim head coach
October 23, 2025 at 5:39 PM
The Portland Trail Blazers have named Tommy “Big Knucks” Vanzetti as interim head coach
lmao this whole time I thought the lyrics were Sjáum yfir rá, Sjóinn skeVUM frá 🤣🤣🤣
October 22, 2025 at 9:22 PM
lmao this whole time I thought the lyrics were Sjáum yfir rá, Sjóinn skeVUM frá 🤣🤣🤣
I genuinely think the world is going to start getting better because the NBA is back on NBC, despite the Reggie Miller element
October 22, 2025 at 2:20 AM
I genuinely think the world is going to start getting better because the NBA is back on NBC, despite the Reggie Miller element
Reggie Miller: still very bad at announcing!
October 22, 2025 at 1:45 AM
Reggie Miller: still very bad at announcing!
NBA predictions:
• Nuggets over Knicks
• Adam Silver meets Stone Phillips at a card game and they become fast friends. Stone works up the courage to tell Adam about his idea for a detective novel, which Adam steals and tries selling to Random House, leading to a deadly fall out
• MVP: Jokić
• Nuggets over Knicks
• Adam Silver meets Stone Phillips at a card game and they become fast friends. Stone works up the courage to tell Adam about his idea for a detective novel, which Adam steals and tries selling to Random House, leading to a deadly fall out
• MVP: Jokić
October 22, 2025 at 1:26 AM
NBA predictions:
• Nuggets over Knicks
• Adam Silver meets Stone Phillips at a card game and they become fast friends. Stone works up the courage to tell Adam about his idea for a detective novel, which Adam steals and tries selling to Random House, leading to a deadly fall out
• MVP: Jokić
• Nuggets over Knicks
• Adam Silver meets Stone Phillips at a card game and they become fast friends. Stone works up the courage to tell Adam about his idea for a detective novel, which Adam steals and tries selling to Random House, leading to a deadly fall out
• MVP: Jokić
Covering a pith helmet in glitter and attaching a large pinwheel. “KEEP EM COMIN” in big balloon letters across the front. When I want to signal the bartender for another beer I engage the pinwheel which also emits an air raid siren
October 19, 2025 at 2:30 AM
Covering a pith helmet in glitter and attaching a large pinwheel. “KEEP EM COMIN” in big balloon letters across the front. When I want to signal the bartender for another beer I engage the pinwheel which also emits an air raid siren
Hi I’m an Instagram ad! Like what you see? Well it’s sold out. Or for children. Or never existed. But you clicked on it, so from now on all future stories in your feed will be this item. Your friends are all dead.
October 15, 2025 at 7:55 PM
Hi I’m an Instagram ad! Like what you see? Well it’s sold out. Or for children. Or never existed. But you clicked on it, so from now on all future stories in your feed will be this item. Your friends are all dead.
Movie Quotes
“…shrimp creole…”
- Forrest Gump
“…shrimp creole…”
- Forrest Gump
October 11, 2025 at 10:14 PM
Movie Quotes
“…shrimp creole…”
- Forrest Gump
“…shrimp creole…”
- Forrest Gump
On “ETA Was 10 Minutes Ago, and The Restaurant Has Its Own Delivery Guy So I Can’t Track Him,” we find Swift at her most vulnerable. Pain and frustration quickly turns to hopelessness at the realization that the situation is simply out of her control.
October 3, 2025 at 4:14 PM
On “ETA Was 10 Minutes Ago, and The Restaurant Has Its Own Delivery Guy So I Can’t Track Him,” we find Swift at her most vulnerable. Pain and frustration quickly turns to hopelessness at the realization that the situation is simply out of her control.
It’s October, so I’ll be popping in to drop some of my famous one-post horror stories. Starting with this:
The moon astronaut stepped off the ship, only to be greeted by a scary werewolf. The werewolf (speaking thru an interpreter) said, “up here on the moon, it’s ALWAYS a full moon”
The moon astronaut stepped off the ship, only to be greeted by a scary werewolf. The werewolf (speaking thru an interpreter) said, “up here on the moon, it’s ALWAYS a full moon”
October 1, 2025 at 8:50 PM
It’s October, so I’ll be popping in to drop some of my famous one-post horror stories. Starting with this:
The moon astronaut stepped off the ship, only to be greeted by a scary werewolf. The werewolf (speaking thru an interpreter) said, “up here on the moon, it’s ALWAYS a full moon”
The moon astronaut stepped off the ship, only to be greeted by a scary werewolf. The werewolf (speaking thru an interpreter) said, “up here on the moon, it’s ALWAYS a full moon”
Signed up for 5 minutes at the Riyadh open mic tonight
September 27, 2025 at 7:59 PM
Signed up for 5 minutes at the Riyadh open mic tonight