Author | Lightnews

Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · 7h

I screwed up. Asked her if the sex with Rich Gere was real when they fuck in the closet of the open house in the beginning of the movie. Totally weirded her out. Tried starting a small, controllable grease fire in her kitchen but too late. She already saw the call. Things are real icy now 😔

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · 8h

I’m at Debra Messing’s election party desperately trying to keep her attention away from the TV by grilling her on her experience filming The Mothman Prophecies

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · 1d

I’ll take the L on this. It was a mistake to hold the official election-eve fundraiser for Andrew Cuomo at the Topgolf in Schaumburg, IL. Attendees are nice enough, but absolutely none are registered voters in NYC. Honestly, spending the last 2 weeks in Schaumburg has been a bad idea all around.

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · 4d

Putting the finishing touches on my Koen Wauters as “Peter” costume from the 1992 George Kennedy movie Intensive Care

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · 5d

Tony the Tiger is nude. A scarf means nothing.

I said it.

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · 7d

“I hope this email finds you well. I represent Santana.”

- How I imagine Santana’s team reached out to Michelle Branch’s team to start what became “The Game of Love” on the smash 2002 album Supernatural

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · 12d

They should arrest players for doing bloopers

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · 12d

The Portland Trail Blazers have named Tommy “Big Knucks” Vanzetti as interim head coach

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · 13d

lmao this whole time I thought the lyrics were Sjáum yfir rá, Sjóinn skeVUM frá 🤣🤣🤣

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · 14d

Reggie might actually think Sengun’s name is “Shane Goon”

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · 14d

I genuinely think the world is going to start getting better because the NBA is back on NBC, despite the Reggie Miller element

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · 14d

Reggie Miller: still very bad at announcing!

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · 14d

NBA predictions:

• Nuggets over Knicks

• Adam Silver meets Stone Phillips at a card game and they become fast friends. Stone works up the courage to tell Adam about his idea for a detective novel, which Adam steals and tries selling to Random House, leading to a deadly fall out

• MVP: Jokić

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · 17d

Covering a pith helmet in glitter and attaching a large pinwheel. “KEEP EM COMIN” in big balloon letters across the front. When I want to signal the bartender for another beer I engage the pinwheel which also emits an air raid siren

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · 20d

Hi I’m an Instagram ad! Like what you see? Well it’s sold out. Or for children. Or never existed. But you clicked on it, so from now on all future stories in your feed will be this item. Your friends are all dead.

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · 24d

Movie Quotes

“…shrimp creole…”

- Forrest Gump

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · Oct 4

A Freddy Krueger glove slashed through the window, creating a big hole where a window had once been.

“Who’s there?” cried the attempting sleeper

“Freddy Krueger,” said Freddy Krueger

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · Oct 3

On “ETA Was 10 Minutes Ago, and The Restaurant Has Its Own Delivery Guy So I Can’t Track Him,” we find Swift at her most vulnerable. Pain and frustration quickly turns to hopelessness at the realization that the situation is simply out of her control.

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · Oct 2

I like darker, more dark elements.

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · Oct 2

2-for-1 tonight, because I’m trying to drive engagement as a Blue Sky Plus account

The phone rang. It said “UNKNOWN CALLER”

The naked woman answered

“hello?”

the caller

“I’d be a KNOWN caller if I told you my name. It’s Dracula”

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · Oct 1

It’s October, so I’ll be popping in to drop some of my famous one-post horror stories. Starting with this:

The moon astronaut stepped off the ship, only to be greeted by a scary werewolf. The werewolf (speaking thru an interpreter) said, “up here on the moon, it’s ALWAYS a full moon”

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · Sep 27

Signed up for 5 minutes at the Riyadh open mic tonight

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · Sep 17

Finally understand what that 90’s band was getting at

Ezra Klein @ezrakleinbot.bsky.social · Sep 17

"I had friends say to me, look, we can oppose political violence without whitewashing this guy. I spent some time thinking about that over the weekend...and my reaction honestly is that it is too little to just say we oppose political violence."

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · Sep 16

Boycotting the NFL if they don’t add Charlie Kirk wigs to every team’s helmets by this weekend

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Dan Clyne @danclyne.bsky.social · Sep 3

Dominos by the slice would be so unbelievably sad

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