i love european olympics opening ceremonies. the second the ioc names a european host city the prime minister calls the culture minister into their office and says "find me your strangest homosexuals. give each of them a period of our great nation's history, a kilo of cocaine, and Ten Million Euros"

I was browsing a CHARITY SHOP today and a woman stormed to the counter, slammed a skirt down and said "These prices are mental. You're having a laugh. This has a hole in the hem. I'd never pay £7 for this. Somebody needs to have a word" at the old lady volunteer and then marched out.

Night me (a vibesman): "I won't lower the blinds, the light will wake me naturally on the morrow"

Morning me (philosopher) pulling the duvet over my head: "The wise tortoise retreats from that which it cannot defeat"

hey did you know that Bismarck was the one who nicked Alsace Lorraine from France back in the 19th century

that's why historians call him............Grand Theft Otto