Catherynne M. Valente
@catvalente.bsky.social
Queen of Lasers, Mother of Storms, & NYT/USAToday bestselling author of Fairyland, Space Opera, Deathless, & many more. Any/All
Art: http://patreon.com/catvalente
Politics: http://catvalente.substack.com
TipJar: https://venmo.com/u/cat-valente
Art: http://patreon.com/catvalente
Politics: http://catvalente.substack.com
TipJar: https://venmo.com/u/cat-valente
And everyone in Maine knows why that is, you silly bitch, and it’s nothing to do with data centers, and everything to do with corporate malevolence GET FUCKED DOUG IF YOU CAN TELL ME HOW MUCH YOUR THIRD HOUSE’S ELECTRICITY BILL WAS LAST MONTH I’LL EAT NINE HATS
December 12, 2025 at 10:45 PM
And everyone in Maine knows why that is, you silly bitch, and it’s nothing to do with data centers, and everything to do with corporate malevolence GET FUCKED DOUG IF YOU CAN TELL ME HOW MUCH YOUR THIRD HOUSE’S ELECTRICITY BILL WAS LAST MONTH I’LL EAT NINE HATS
Just walked in on someone who’s clearly had no idea the existential depths to which man can plunge
December 9, 2025 at 2:04 PM
Just walked in on someone who’s clearly had no idea the existential depths to which man can plunge
I can’t fucking believe I’ve been working on this for ages and never saw that the yarn balls were two different shades of white until it was crazy sunny and snowy and now it’s so obvious FUCK
December 8, 2025 at 8:38 PM
I can’t fucking believe I’ve been working on this for ages and never saw that the yarn balls were two different shades of white until it was crazy sunny and snowy and now it’s so obvious FUCK
Last March I ordered some flame-orange bougainvillea starts. I had a plan.
They were half-dead twigs. Cared for outside in heat all summer, barely did leaves.
I brought them in for the winter all WELL, I’M NOT GONNA LET THE SNOW KILL YOU BUT I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF EXPECTATIONS, NERDS.
Today…
They were half-dead twigs. Cared for outside in heat all summer, barely did leaves.
I brought them in for the winter all WELL, I’M NOT GONNA LET THE SNOW KILL YOU BUT I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF EXPECTATIONS, NERDS.
Today…
December 5, 2025 at 3:34 PM
Last March I ordered some flame-orange bougainvillea starts. I had a plan.
They were half-dead twigs. Cared for outside in heat all summer, barely did leaves.
I brought them in for the winter all WELL, I’M NOT GONNA LET THE SNOW KILL YOU BUT I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF EXPECTATIONS, NERDS.
Today…
They were half-dead twigs. Cared for outside in heat all summer, barely did leaves.
I brought them in for the winter all WELL, I’M NOT GONNA LET THE SNOW KILL YOU BUT I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF EXPECTATIONS, NERDS.
Today…
Seen and appreciated deeply on the backshore of the island today
November 30, 2025 at 1:23 AM
Seen and appreciated deeply on the backshore of the island today
November 30, 2025 at 1:19 AM
I made the last payment on my student loans today.
I am 46 years old.
I’ve been saving for my child’s college education for 7 years.
And it certainly wouldn’t have happened today if not for the COVID interest pause.
Surely it’s obvious this system is deeply broken.
I am 46 years old.
I’ve been saving for my child’s college education for 7 years.
And it certainly wouldn’t have happened today if not for the COVID interest pause.
Surely it’s obvious this system is deeply broken.
November 29, 2025 at 8:51 PM
I made the last payment on my student loans today.
I am 46 years old.
I’ve been saving for my child’s college education for 7 years.
And it certainly wouldn’t have happened today if not for the COVID interest pause.
Surely it’s obvious this system is deeply broken.
I am 46 years old.
I’ve been saving for my child’s college education for 7 years.
And it certainly wouldn’t have happened today if not for the COVID interest pause.
Surely it’s obvious this system is deeply broken.
I won this in a raffle prize basket.
Allegedly, it’s “The Farting Farmer.”
This farmer…is clearly dying of dysentery.
While being drained of hope by a lich.
Allegedly, it’s “The Farting Farmer.”
This farmer…is clearly dying of dysentery.
While being drained of hope by a lich.
November 20, 2025 at 3:21 PM
I won this in a raffle prize basket.
Allegedly, it’s “The Farting Farmer.”
This farmer…is clearly dying of dysentery.
While being drained of hope by a lich.
Allegedly, it’s “The Farting Farmer.”
This farmer…is clearly dying of dysentery.
While being drained of hope by a lich.
It’s haaaapppening!
Doing a friendshiiiiip!
(Butt to butt is Byron’s first stage of grudging acceptance)
Doing a friendshiiiiip!
(Butt to butt is Byron’s first stage of grudging acceptance)
November 20, 2025 at 1:58 PM
It’s haaaapppening!
Doing a friendshiiiiip!
(Butt to butt is Byron’s first stage of grudging acceptance)
Doing a friendshiiiiip!
(Butt to butt is Byron’s first stage of grudging acceptance)
What in the misty-eyed fuck is this elegiac headline?
Disgraced financier? Clubby world of raping?
Lost New York! Oh, for the good old days!
Disgraced financier? Clubby world of raping?
Lost New York! Oh, for the good old days!
November 16, 2025 at 7:28 PM
What in the misty-eyed fuck is this elegiac headline?
Disgraced financier? Clubby world of raping?
Lost New York! Oh, for the good old days!
Disgraced financier? Clubby world of raping?
Lost New York! Oh, for the good old days!
MY FRIENDS IT IS WORD TRIVIA TIME
Do you know the actual term for one of these?
These elegant things dreamy 19th c. waifs carry?
A trug.
TRUG
One of the ugliest words I’ve ever heard & now I can’t stop making stupid drug puns because obviously sex, trugs, & rock n roll is my ACTUAL DREAM LIFE
Do you know the actual term for one of these?
These elegant things dreamy 19th c. waifs carry?
A trug.
TRUG
One of the ugliest words I’ve ever heard & now I can’t stop making stupid drug puns because obviously sex, trugs, & rock n roll is my ACTUAL DREAM LIFE
November 15, 2025 at 4:10 PM
MY FRIENDS IT IS WORD TRIVIA TIME
Do you know the actual term for one of these?
These elegant things dreamy 19th c. waifs carry?
A trug.
TRUG
One of the ugliest words I’ve ever heard & now I can’t stop making stupid drug puns because obviously sex, trugs, & rock n roll is my ACTUAL DREAM LIFE
Do you know the actual term for one of these?
These elegant things dreamy 19th c. waifs carry?
A trug.
TRUG
One of the ugliest words I’ve ever heard & now I can’t stop making stupid drug puns because obviously sex, trugs, & rock n roll is my ACTUAL DREAM LIFE
Omg we left Velveteen for 6 hours to go see Dav Pilkey, which is the longest we’ve ever left her.
She refused to eat her dinner until we got back…and postponed wolfing it up to lay down full-on my feet for many minutes so I know I’m not allowed to use those things to leave anymore.
She refused to eat her dinner until we got back…and postponed wolfing it up to lay down full-on my feet for many minutes so I know I’m not allowed to use those things to leave anymore.
November 15, 2025 at 3:09 AM
Omg we left Velveteen for 6 hours to go see Dav Pilkey, which is the longest we’ve ever left her.
She refused to eat her dinner until we got back…and postponed wolfing it up to lay down full-on my feet for many minutes so I know I’m not allowed to use those things to leave anymore.
She refused to eat her dinner until we got back…and postponed wolfing it up to lay down full-on my feet for many minutes so I know I’m not allowed to use those things to leave anymore.
The Vanilla Kraken AWAKETH
November 14, 2025 at 1:38 PM
The Vanilla Kraken AWAKETH
I come with receiptage!
November 12, 2025 at 5:53 AM
I come with receiptage!
November 11, 2025 at 3:22 PM
Magical. Anime. Foxwolf.
November 10, 2025 at 8:39 PM
Magical. Anime. Foxwolf.
I just have a lot of shit to say about this creature getting more press for being semi-coherent than any Democrat ever does for doing the right thing:
catvalente.substack.com/p/are-you-th...
catvalente.substack.com/p/are-you-th...
November 8, 2025 at 12:18 AM
I just have a lot of shit to say about this creature getting more press for being semi-coherent than any Democrat ever does for doing the right thing:
catvalente.substack.com/p/are-you-th...
catvalente.substack.com/p/are-you-th...
This is out on the street next to mine for free. Tell me I shouldn’t get it because I don’t need an ancient wood (coal?) stove and making a planter or art installation out of it is a waste…
November 6, 2025 at 3:51 PM
This is out on the street next to mine for free. Tell me I shouldn’t get it because I don’t need an ancient wood (coal?) stove and making a planter or art installation out of it is a waste…
Ok I specifically grabbed the phone to take this picture so I could show you all Vell’s “Oh my god excuse you, did I say you could stop petting me to type? TYPE? When I am so soft?” face.
Also: turns out she INSTANTLY answers to “Gorgeous” #puppyexpress
Also: turns out she INSTANTLY answers to “Gorgeous” #puppyexpress
November 5, 2025 at 2:09 AM
Ok I specifically grabbed the phone to take this picture so I could show you all Vell’s “Oh my god excuse you, did I say you could stop petting me to type? TYPE? When I am so soft?” face.
Also: turns out she INSTANTLY answers to “Gorgeous” #puppyexpress
Also: turns out she INSTANTLY answers to “Gorgeous” #puppyexpress
Vell did not get a walk today because the windstorm is so intense it threw a recycling bin at my head when I went outside to get the mail.
She is displeased.
I believe her exact words were:
“This is some fucking bullshit”
She is displeased.
I believe her exact words were:
“This is some fucking bullshit”
November 4, 2025 at 10:51 PM
Vell did not get a walk today because the windstorm is so intense it threw a recycling bin at my head when I went outside to get the mail.
She is displeased.
I believe her exact words were:
“This is some fucking bullshit”
She is displeased.
I believe her exact words were:
“This is some fucking bullshit”
Here’s a daytime photo of the Jack O’Beholder/Beholder O’Lantern!
October 30, 2025 at 9:01 PM
Here’s a daytime photo of the Jack O’Beholder/Beholder O’Lantern!
October 30, 2025 at 1:27 AM
I’ll post a clear daytime pic tomorrow but I’m just so proud of the Childe and my team pumpkin work this year, and it looks SO COOL at night.
I give you…the Jack O’Beholder!
I give you…the Jack O’Beholder!
October 30, 2025 at 12:17 AM
I’ll post a clear daytime pic tomorrow but I’m just so proud of the Childe and my team pumpkin work this year, and it looks SO COOL at night.
I give you…the Jack O’Beholder!
I give you…the Jack O’Beholder!
The Childe was burbling over with joy this morning petting their new dog.
I came downstairs to “Mom, Mom, if Mary Poppins measured her it would say practically perfect in every way I just know it don’t you just know it???”
Yes, baby. I do. #puppyexpress
I came downstairs to “Mom, Mom, if Mary Poppins measured her it would say practically perfect in every way I just know it don’t you just know it???”
Yes, baby. I do. #puppyexpress
October 29, 2025 at 3:38 PM
The Childe was burbling over with joy this morning petting their new dog.
I came downstairs to “Mom, Mom, if Mary Poppins measured her it would say practically perfect in every way I just know it don’t you just know it???”
Yes, baby. I do. #puppyexpress
I came downstairs to “Mom, Mom, if Mary Poppins measured her it would say practically perfect in every way I just know it don’t you just know it???”
Yes, baby. I do. #puppyexpress