WarrenHolstein
@warrenholstein.bsky.social
Lapsed Comedian/Breathing Enthusiast. *Co-writer @ActressSeries http://theactresstheseries.com
Pinned
No one would scream hallelujah if it was really raining men. They'd just scream, as the skulls shattered and blood pooled in the streets.
It's raining; it's pouring. The old man is not snoring. He's in a coma and it looks like he may not make it.
December 20, 2024 at 10:38 PM
It's raining; it's pouring. The old man is not snoring. He's in a coma and it looks like he may not make it.
The crucifixion of Christ was "epic." Your burrito is just pretty big.
December 16, 2024 at 10:54 PM
The crucifixion of Christ was "epic." Your burrito is just pretty big.
Pride Day, but for insecure Jewish men with domineering mothers. Actually, we probably don't deserve it. Never mind.
December 16, 2024 at 9:46 PM
Pride Day, but for insecure Jewish men with domineering mothers. Actually, we probably don't deserve it. Never mind.
"Foiled again!" -Leftovers
December 16, 2024 at 6:55 PM
"Foiled again!" -Leftovers
Reposted by WarrenHolstein
i assume when a restaurant says it's "homestyle," I'll be eating my meal over a sink.
December 14, 2024 at 2:36 AM
i assume when a restaurant says it's "homestyle," I'll be eating my meal over a sink.
Bad news about the alien drones hovering above us. It turns out they are just visiting the planet to contribute 1 million dollars to Donald Trump’s inauguration fund.
December 15, 2024 at 2:14 AM
Bad news about the alien drones hovering above us. It turns out they are just visiting the planet to contribute 1 million dollars to Donald Trump’s inauguration fund.
The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which. They needed glasses.
December 12, 2024 at 7:24 PM
The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which. They needed glasses.
My lips are sealed. I accidentally drank the candle again.
December 12, 2024 at 7:12 PM
My lips are sealed. I accidentally drank the candle again.
There is no “I” in ego. That’s kind of weird, right?
December 8, 2024 at 2:03 PM
There is no “I” in ego. That’s kind of weird, right?
Reposted by WarrenHolstein
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren't invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
November 18, 2024 at 5:03 AM
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren't invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Some of my best pens are black.
December 7, 2024 at 9:13 PM
Some of my best pens are black.
Reposted by WarrenHolstein
Super excited for healthcare CEOs to pass on the cost of extra security straight to the consumer.
December 7, 2024 at 5:06 AM
Super excited for healthcare CEOs to pass on the cost of extra security straight to the consumer.
The way to a man’s heart is through his sternum.
December 7, 2024 at 1:51 PM
The way to a man’s heart is through his sternum.
Never bring a knife to a tickle fight.
December 6, 2024 at 9:38 PM
Never bring a knife to a tickle fight.
Reposted by WarrenHolstein
Holy infant so tender and mild, so succulent and flavorsome, so juicy and melt-in-the-mouth
December 6, 2024 at 3:32 PM
Holy infant so tender and mild, so succulent and flavorsome, so juicy and melt-in-the-mouth
I’m not saying that Joe Scarborough is completely spineless, but perhaps it would be more appropriate to call Morning Joe, Watery Decaf.(Okay, I am saying he is completely spineless.)
December 6, 2024 at 9:24 PM
I’m not saying that Joe Scarborough is completely spineless, but perhaps it would be more appropriate to call Morning Joe, Watery Decaf.(Okay, I am saying he is completely spineless.)
When you wish upon a star, it continues converting hydrogen into helium and ignores you.
December 6, 2024 at 2:17 PM
When you wish upon a star, it continues converting hydrogen into helium and ignores you.
Just watched a pot of water boil. You're all full of shit.
December 6, 2024 at 1:55 PM
Just watched a pot of water boil. You're all full of shit.
If you need to hide your CEO’s bio page for fear of assassination by the masses due to dubious ethical practices, perhaps it’s time to start treating your consumer base with respect, empathy and compassion. Or they could just hole up in the panic room of their bunker and count piles of blood money.
December 6, 2024 at 12:18 PM
If you need to hide your CEO’s bio page for fear of assassination by the masses due to dubious ethical practices, perhaps it’s time to start treating your consumer base with respect, empathy and compassion. Or they could just hole up in the panic room of their bunker and count piles of blood money.
You can have your cake and eat it too. You bought it. It's your cake, dummy.
December 5, 2024 at 5:47 PM
You can have your cake and eat it too. You bought it. It's your cake, dummy.
Time to pay the piper. Don't whine about it, you're the one that hired Jethro Tull to play your wedding.
December 5, 2024 at 2:09 PM
Time to pay the piper. Don't whine about it, you're the one that hired Jethro Tull to play your wedding.
Reposted by WarrenHolstein
Haha ever notice how we “drive” on a “parkway” but “god” “has” “abandoned” “us”?
December 4, 2024 at 10:35 PM
Haha ever notice how we “drive” on a “parkway” but “god” “has” “abandoned” “us”?
Turn-ons: Light switches. Turn-offs: Light switches.
December 4, 2024 at 10:32 PM
Turn-ons: Light switches. Turn-offs: Light switches.
Whoever said there's nothing to fear but fear itself never met my mother.
December 4, 2024 at 12:30 PM
Whoever said there's nothing to fear but fear itself never met my mother.