Pinned
Sam Handwich
@samhandwitch.bsky.social
· Jan 18
I’m going to use this thread to store the tweet phrases that keep banging around in my head
How odd that this list does not include Bezos 🤔
The top 20 billionaires influencing American politics
The group has spent nearly $5 billion on elections since 2015.
wapo.st
December 4, 2025 at 5:18 PM
How odd that this list does not include Bezos 🤔
dude if the Spice Melange was real i would snorting the fuck out of it. give me the blue eyes
December 4, 2025 at 12:05 AM
dude if the Spice Melange was real i would snorting the fuck out of it. give me the blue eyes
haven’t yet seen any human centipede jokes about “end-to-end encrypted”
"Kohler can access data and pictures from toilet camera"
It's amazing what passes for a totally normal sentence in 2025
It's amazing what passes for a totally normal sentence in 2025
Kohler Can Access Data and Pictures from Toilet Camera It Describes as “End-to-End Encrypted” - /var/log/simon
Claimed end-to-end privacy doesn’t fully conceal your rear-end data
varlogsimon.leaflet.pub
December 3, 2025 at 11:29 PM
haven’t yet seen any human centipede jokes about “end-to-end encrypted”
jar jar voice: alina habba big problem
December 2, 2025 at 12:07 AM
jar jar voice: alina habba big problem
high floor, no cheating
November 30, 2025 at 9:20 PM
high floor, no cheating
i think turkey is good, even if dry, first time around. my problem is the next-day turkey flavor. it gets a strong leftover taste, which i also taste in leftover chicken (from my own kitchen or takeout where it’s obviously reheated). but the turkey version is … more feral, or fishy
November 27, 2025 at 4:21 AM
i think turkey is good, even if dry, first time around. my problem is the next-day turkey flavor. it gets a strong leftover taste, which i also taste in leftover chicken (from my own kitchen or takeout where it’s obviously reheated). but the turkey version is … more feral, or fishy
Reposted by Sam Handwich
I could have done without the felching refresher tbh
November 22, 2025 at 5:58 PM
I could have done without the felching refresher tbh
Glenn Beck is sorry about All That (racism)
November 21, 2025 at 12:15 PM
Glenn Beck is sorry about All That (racism)
🚓🚨 woop woop pronoun police 🚨 🚓
It took me a bit to focus on the "biological pronouns" part of Murphy's opinion, but, in my defense, that's only because the concurring opinions contain myriad unbelievable claims.
Judge John Bush, another Trump appointee, might be the worst opinion of the bunch.
Judge John Bush, another Trump appointee, might be the worst opinion of the bunch.
November 7, 2025 at 4:06 PM
🚓🚨 woop woop pronoun police 🚨 🚓
go go abbott wheels
October 31, 2025 at 3:14 PM
go go abbott wheels
my wife watched House of Dynamite and was so mad at the ending she immediately cancelled netflix lol
October 27, 2025 at 12:24 AM
my wife watched House of Dynamite and was so mad at the ending she immediately cancelled netflix lol
Another victim of white (concrete) supremacy… go woke or building broke
432 Park Is Cracking Up
Developers wanted the supertall’s cement façade to be a pristine white. Turns out that’s not great for durability.
www.curbed.com
October 24, 2025 at 12:28 AM
Another victim of white (concrete) supremacy… go woke or building broke
Reposted by Sam Handwich
i’m running for president in 2028, this is my platform:
- no more spam texts and calls
- smaller cars with weaker headlights
- imprison every person in ice and the trump administration on a remote island for a thousand years
- no more spam texts and calls
- smaller cars with weaker headlights
- imprison every person in ice and the trump administration on a remote island for a thousand years
October 11, 2025 at 2:54 PM
i’m running for president in 2028, this is my platform:
- no more spam texts and calls
- smaller cars with weaker headlights
- imprison every person in ice and the trump administration on a remote island for a thousand years
- no more spam texts and calls
- smaller cars with weaker headlights
- imprison every person in ice and the trump administration on a remote island for a thousand years
Reposted by Sam Handwich
we have got to start killing billionaires. is the first line that the villain speaks in the novel im writing. really though, in the real world, we have to kill these people. he continues
October 16, 2025 at 5:39 AM
we have got to start killing billionaires. is the first line that the villain speaks in the novel im writing. really though, in the real world, we have to kill these people. he continues
Reposted by Sam Handwich
“Years of lead…supplements” - @bdowney.bsky.social
October 14, 2025 at 10:54 PM
“Years of lead…supplements” - @bdowney.bsky.social
who up carvin they gourd
October 13, 2025 at 2:35 PM
who up carvin they gourd
doing a fire/ice double feature with two dogshit movies, THE LOST BUS and ICE ROAD: VENGEANCE
October 12, 2025 at 12:51 AM
doing a fire/ice double feature with two dogshit movies, THE LOST BUS and ICE ROAD: VENGEANCE
Reposted by Sam Handwich
Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile starts... now.
The Onion Investigates: Jeffrey Epstein
YouTube video by The Onion
www.youtube.com
October 9, 2025 at 10:59 PM
Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile starts... now.
Reposted by Sam Handwich
how do u even compete with this level of propaganda. and why tf do these vril guys love tatu so much
October 9, 2025 at 7:37 PM
how do u even compete with this level of propaganda. and why tf do these vril guys love tatu so much
Reposted by Sam Handwich
portland frog you smoke too tough. your swag too different. your rubber suit is too bad. they’ll kill you portland frog
October 9, 2025 at 12:50 AM
portland frog you smoke too tough. your swag too different. your rubber suit is too bad. they’ll kill you portland frog
Reposted by Sam Handwich
Reposted by Sam Handwich
every poster whose skeets get read in court should be required to have a username that is this funny, at bare minimum
September 20, 2025 at 9:48 PM
every poster whose skeets get read in court should be required to have a username that is this funny, at bare minimum
ALAB (assigned lawyer at birth)
October 4, 2025 at 3:31 PM
ALAB (assigned lawyer at birth)
a lot of people On Here are exposing themselves as members of the Virgin-American community
October 4, 2025 at 2:42 AM
a lot of people On Here are exposing themselves as members of the Virgin-American community
please be kind to the Gaylor crew today, i’m sure they are having a Hard time with the news
October 3, 2025 at 8:29 PM
please be kind to the Gaylor crew today, i’m sure they are having a Hard time with the news