NewsThump
@newsthump.com
Topical satire from the UK and around the world. You're not supposed to believe what we write, you idiot.
NEWS! Arsehole joins twats newsthump.com/2026/01/15/a...
Arsehole joins twats
Robert Jenrick has joined Reform UK to create what experts are hailing as the start of a new era of catastrophic bellendery.
newsthump.com
January 15, 2026 at 8:23 PM
NEWS! Arsehole joins twats newsthump.com/2026/01/15/a...
"Don't believe everything you read on the Internet" - Albert Einstein. Get this T-shirt with FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/1LRoXpQ
January 15, 2026 at 3:15 PM
"Don't believe everything you read on the Internet" - Albert Einstein. Get this T-shirt with FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/1LRoXpQ
NEWS! Tories become one-woman party after Kemi Badenoch purges everyone thinking about defecting newsthump.com/2026/01/15/t...
Tories become one-woman party after Kemi Badenoch purges everyone thinking about defecting
Kemi Badenoch is now the sole member of the Conservative party, after getting rid of everyone who has so much as thought about joining Reform.
newsthump.com
January 15, 2026 at 2:19 PM
NEWS! Tories become one-woman party after Kemi Badenoch purges everyone thinking about defecting newsthump.com/2026/01/15/t...
Elon when he's developing a pedo-friendly AI tool: I'm a "free speech absolutist!"
Elon when people are being taught that early settlers took land from the Native Americans: "You should go to prison for treason!"
Free speech, but only when I agree with it. The REAL position of every grifter...
Elon when people are being taught that early settlers took land from the Native Americans: "You should go to prison for treason!"
Free speech, but only when I agree with it. The REAL position of every grifter...
January 15, 2026 at 1:16 PM
Elon when he's developing a pedo-friendly AI tool: I'm a "free speech absolutist!"
Elon when people are being taught that early settlers took land from the Native Americans: "You should go to prison for treason!"
Free speech, but only when I agree with it. The REAL position of every grifter...
Elon when people are being taught that early settlers took land from the Native Americans: "You should go to prison for treason!"
Free speech, but only when I agree with it. The REAL position of every grifter...
Don't feel sorry for Robert Jenrick. Imagine all the free time he'll have now to dedicate to his favourite hobbies, like painting over children's murals at asylum centres.
January 15, 2026 at 12:22 PM
Don't feel sorry for Robert Jenrick. Imagine all the free time he'll have now to dedicate to his favourite hobbies, like painting over children's murals at asylum centres.
Before he unveils him as if it's some major coup, remember, this is what Farage thought of Jenrick just a few short weeks ago...
January 15, 2026 at 12:01 PM
Before he unveils him as if it's some major coup, remember, this is what Farage thought of Jenrick just a few short weeks ago...
NEWS! United States must control Greenland, Canada, and Central America, insists Trump after night playing RISK newsthump.com/2026/01/15/u...
United States must control Greenland, Canada, and Central America, insists Trump after night playing RISK
US President Donald Trump has renewed his calls for the US to seize foreign territory after a late night spent playing the board game RISK.
newsthump.com
January 15, 2026 at 11:08 AM
NEWS! United States must control Greenland, Canada, and Central America, insists Trump after night playing RISK newsthump.com/2026/01/15/u...
NEWS! Man still not entirely sure which light switch to press in his own home newsthump.com/2026/01/15/m...
Man still not entirely sure which light switch to press in his own home
Putting two or more light switches on the same panel will keep homeowners confused for decades, according to a new study.
newsthump.com
January 15, 2026 at 10:05 AM
NEWS! Man still not entirely sure which light switch to press in his own home newsthump.com/2026/01/15/m...
As the quality of online debate deteriorates even further, this is a point well worth remembering... Get yours in a range of new colours and with FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/35DNV0j
January 14, 2026 at 3:16 PM
As the quality of online debate deteriorates even further, this is a point well worth remembering... Get yours in a range of new colours and with FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/35DNV0j
NEWS! Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin to star in Season 2 of 'Heated Rivalry'
Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin to star in Season 2 of ‘Heated Rivalry’
Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin have been cast as the new stars of hit romance series ‘Heated Rivalry’, the show’s producers have confirmed.
buff.ly
January 14, 2026 at 12:26 PM
NEWS! Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin to star in Season 2 of 'Heated Rivalry'
NEWS! AI plays no significant role in police decision-making, insists Police Chief Alex Murphy newsthump.com/2026/01/14/a...
AI plays no significant role in police decision-making, insists Police Chief Alex Murphy
Police Chief Alex Murphy has today denied that Artificial Intelligence plays a significant role in general policing, according to reports.
newsthump.com
January 14, 2026 at 11:29 AM
NEWS! AI plays no significant role in police decision-making, insists Police Chief Alex Murphy newsthump.com/2026/01/14/a...
NEWS! Carabao Cup semi-final VAR officials enter 15th hour of deliberations newsthump.com/2026/01/14/c...
Carabao Cup semi-final VAR officials enter 15th hour of deliberations
VAR officials have entered their 15th hour of deliberation into a refereeing decision during last night’s Carabao Cup semi-final between Newcastle and Manchester City.
newsthump.com
January 14, 2026 at 10:18 AM
NEWS! Carabao Cup semi-final VAR officials enter 15th hour of deliberations newsthump.com/2026/01/14/c...
NEWS! What your Tesco Meal Deal says about you newsthump.com/2026/01/14/w...
What your Tesco Meal Deal says about you
As Tesco releases its annual statistics about the most popular meal deal combinations in the UK, we ask: what does your Tesco Meal Deal really say about you?
newsthump.com
January 14, 2026 at 8:59 AM
NEWS! What your Tesco Meal Deal says about you newsthump.com/2026/01/14/w...
NEWS! Irish actors to be labelled 'British' ahead of Oscars, confirms media
Irish actors to be labelled ‘British’ ahead of Oscars, confirms media
Media outlets in the UK have confirmed they will continue their longstanding tradition of incorrectly referring to Irish actors as ‘British’ in the run up to the Oscars.
buff.ly
January 13, 2026 at 4:18 PM
NEWS! Irish actors to be labelled 'British' ahead of Oscars, confirms media
** New Colours ** Solid advice for anyone struggling with 2026 so far. Buddha says calm your s**t. Get yours with FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/aMlCzL3
January 13, 2026 at 3:19 PM
** New Colours ** Solid advice for anyone struggling with 2026 so far. Buddha says calm your s**t. Get yours with FREE UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/aMlCzL3
NEWS! Government to ban calculators after discovering they can be used to create explicit content
Government to ban calculators after discovering they can be used to create explicit content
The government is to introduce urgent legislation to restrict the use of pocket calculators after evidence emerged that schoolchildren are using them to create and share explicit content.
buff.ly
January 13, 2026 at 2:17 PM
NEWS! Government to ban calculators after discovering they can be used to create explicit content
The new UKIP logo doesn't leave much to the imagination...
January 13, 2026 at 1:17 PM
The new UKIP logo doesn't leave much to the imagination...
NEWS! 'We must stop masked police killing people protesting the government' insists Trump, before quickly adding 'in Iran' newsthump.com/2026/01/13/w...
‘We must stop masked police killing people protesting the government’ insists Trump, before quickly adding ‘in Iran’
In a rarely seen display of moral clarity, President Donald Trump has expressed outrage at footage showing masked security forces firing on, and killing, government protesters. Oh, in Iran.
newsthump.com
January 13, 2026 at 12:21 PM
NEWS! 'We must stop masked police killing people protesting the government' insists Trump, before quickly adding 'in Iran' newsthump.com/2026/01/13/w...
NEWS! New Tesla feature to automatically create explicit images of pedestrians it passes on the street newsthump.com/2026/01/13/n...
New Tesla feature to automatically provide explicit images of pedestrians it passes on the street
In a bold new step for innovation, disruption, and asking “has anyone actually thought this through?”, Tesla has unveiled a software update that automatically generates non-consensual explicit imag…
newsthump.com
January 13, 2026 at 9:20 AM
NEWS! New Tesla feature to automatically create explicit images of pedestrians it passes on the street newsthump.com/2026/01/13/n...
Every time we share "that" T-shirt, it always brings out the usual suspects, who, for some unknown reason, always find themselves angered by us mocking that particular group. We're quite sure a qualified therapist would have a field day with them 🤷♂️
January 12, 2026 at 6:32 PM
Every time we share "that" T-shirt, it always brings out the usual suspects, who, for some unknown reason, always find themselves angered by us mocking that particular group. We're quite sure a qualified therapist would have a field day with them 🤷♂️
Apropos of nothing. This T-shirt popped into our heads this morning. I wonder why? Get yours with free UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/QzTDIrv
January 12, 2026 at 4:14 PM
Apropos of nothing. This T-shirt popped into our heads this morning. I wonder why? Get yours with free UK delivery here >>> buff.ly/QzTDIrv
NEWS! Man celebrating all the Tories defecting to Reform the same man who wanted the Tories out at the last election
Man celebrating all the Tories defecting to Reform the same man who wanted the Tories out at the last election
A man emphatically celebrating the defection of another Conservative politician to Reform UK is exactly the same man who was calling for the Tories to be ousted at the last general election, it has…
buff.ly
January 12, 2026 at 12:42 PM
NEWS! Man celebrating all the Tories defecting to Reform the same man who wanted the Tories out at the last election
NEWS! Paedo community keen to avoid being tarnished by association with Elon Musk newsthump.com/2026/01/12/p...
Paedo community keen to avoid being tarnished by association with Elon Musk
The notoriously publicity-shy paedophile community has come together to ensure the public knows they are in no way associated with Elon Musk’s far-right-friendly platform, X.
newsthump.com
January 12, 2026 at 11:39 AM
NEWS! Paedo community keen to avoid being tarnished by association with Elon Musk newsthump.com/2026/01/12/p...
NEWS! Lord Mandelson accuses Jeffrey Epstein of gatekeeping paedophile sex ring from LGBTQ+ community
Lord Mandelson accuses Jeffrey Epstein of gatekeeping paedophile sex ring from LGBTQ+ community
Lord Mandelson has accused Jeffrey Epstein of discrimination, after the LGBTQ+ community were allegedly denied access to his paedophile sex ring.
buff.ly
January 12, 2026 at 8:31 AM
NEWS! Lord Mandelson accuses Jeffrey Epstein of gatekeeping paedophile sex ring from LGBTQ+ community
NEWS! United States driving test to include 'three-point turn while being shot in the face' manoeuvre newsthump.com/2026/01/11/u...
United States driving test to include ‘three-point turn while being shot in the face’ manoeuvre
The DMV is to beef up its practical driving test with a module on maintaining control of your vehicle while being murdered by fascists.
newsthump.com
January 11, 2026 at 3:47 PM
NEWS! United States driving test to include 'three-point turn while being shot in the face' manoeuvre newsthump.com/2026/01/11/u...