michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
@michaelswaim.bsky.social
Writer, podcaster, comedian - a real hoopy frood you should sass who knows where his towel's @.
CV: Small Beans | CRACKED | Some More News | IGN | 1900HOTDOG
patreon.com/c/smallbeans
CV: Small Beans | CRACKED | Some More News | IGN | 1900HOTDOG
patreon.com/c/smallbeans
Pinned
This is an ongoing thread of MEDIA, ADVICE, TRUISMS that are actually (usually) true, and AMAZING PROJECTS. Below this tweet are replies that split the thread into each of those four topics. Fully soliciting additions, arguments and jokes! Help me raise my son!
"Every minute you don't kill yourselves, I will execute one of these vampire hunters!" - Excerpt from the Hostage Negotiator's Final Oral Exam
November 29, 2025 at 4:00 AM
"Every minute you don't kill yourselves, I will execute one of these vampire hunters!" - Excerpt from the Hostage Negotiator's Final Oral Exam
I wrote 5k+ words about this silly Satanic Panic D&D Tom Hanks movie even though to earn my pay I only had to write about 25% that much. It's a good'n! My column, not the flick. If you like my stuff you'll like it, it's stuff, that tracks.
We’ve got a FREE article from @michaelswaim.bsky.social for Black Friday! Black Friday is where you give away stuff for free, right? Are we bad at this? 1900hotdog.com/2025/11/nerd...
November 28, 2025 at 11:14 PM
I wrote 5k+ words about this silly Satanic Panic D&D Tom Hanks movie even though to earn my pay I only had to write about 25% that much. It's a good'n! My column, not the flick. If you like my stuff you'll like it, it's stuff, that tracks.
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
These two are probably my very favorites? They turned out much better than I could have hoped
November 28, 2025 at 11:11 PM
These two are probably my very favorites? They turned out much better than I could have hoped
For a good short story about this check out LIAR! by Asimov.
Not wanting to disappoint you so much that it lies is the last quality I want in a computer.
November 28, 2025 at 9:05 PM
For a good short story about this check out LIAR! by Asimov.
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
Hmmmmm, could you be thinking of this one?
November 28, 2025 at 6:21 PM
Hmmmmm, could you be thinking of this one?
MY PET COLLECTION OF FUNNY SPOONERIZED CELEBRITY NAMES
Rim Tobbins
Gill Bates
Prad Bitt
Ghoopi Woldberg
Gake Jyllenhaal
Gaggie Myllenaal
Pobert Rattinson
Fen Branklin
Back Jlack
Dalt Wisney
Glark Cable
H.C. Mammer
Filos Mormon
Farty Meldman
Rim Tobbins
Gill Bates
Prad Bitt
Ghoopi Woldberg
Gake Jyllenhaal
Gaggie Myllenaal
Pobert Rattinson
Fen Branklin
Back Jlack
Dalt Wisney
Glark Cable
H.C. Mammer
Filos Mormon
Farty Meldman
November 28, 2025 at 4:47 AM
MY PET COLLECTION OF FUNNY SPOONERIZED CELEBRITY NAMES
Rim Tobbins
Gill Bates
Prad Bitt
Ghoopi Woldberg
Gake Jyllenhaal
Gaggie Myllenaal
Pobert Rattinson
Fen Branklin
Back Jlack
Dalt Wisney
Glark Cable
H.C. Mammer
Filos Mormon
Farty Meldman
Rim Tobbins
Gill Bates
Prad Bitt
Ghoopi Woldberg
Gake Jyllenhaal
Gaggie Myllenaal
Pobert Rattinson
Fen Branklin
Back Jlack
Dalt Wisney
Glark Cable
H.C. Mammer
Filos Mormon
Farty Meldman
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
Honestly one of our sharpest improvs. Love you @danielobrien.bsky.social @codyjohnston.bsky.social happy National Improv Day!
youtu.be/fVptNL_iIvw?...
youtu.be/fVptNL_iIvw?...
Why There Aren't More Thanksgiving Comedies
YouTube video by Cracked
youtu.be
November 27, 2025 at 3:24 PM
Honestly one of our sharpest improvs. Love you @danielobrien.bsky.social @codyjohnston.bsky.social happy National Improv Day!
youtu.be/fVptNL_iIvw?...
youtu.be/fVptNL_iIvw?...
It's really cool that rainbows turned out to be queer-coded because I can tell you with confidence I was gonna be all-in on "rainbows are pretty i like rainbows" regardless.
November 28, 2025 at 4:25 AM
It's really cool that rainbows turned out to be queer-coded because I can tell you with confidence I was gonna be all-in on "rainbows are pretty i like rainbows" regardless.
One doom I didn’t anticipate is AI slop making it impossible to even learn from context clues. Imagine you’re a kid trying to learn to read and school failed you and this is presented as a legitimate poster, what are you meant to make of that? Literally nonsensifying the world.
Hey @nature.com, have you got an explanation for how the hell THIS happened? & especially why you accepted a paper with such a bizarre piece of genAI slop in it?!
& more to the point, why we should take you seriously at all going forward?
www.nature.com/articles/s41...
& more to the point, why we should take you seriously at all going forward?
www.nature.com/articles/s41...
November 27, 2025 at 10:12 PM
One doom I didn’t anticipate is AI slop making it impossible to even learn from context clues. Imagine you’re a kid trying to learn to read and school failed you and this is presented as a legitimate poster, what are you meant to make of that? Literally nonsensifying the world.
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
One of the most promising descriptions of a hypothetical potential joke situation, I'm basically anticipating laughing already
Everything about this might be the saddest thing I’ve ever seen
November 24, 2025 at 2:41 PM
One of the most promising descriptions of a hypothetical potential joke situation, I'm basically anticipating laughing already
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
Roast my good friend Charlie Brown
No, more vulgar
more
more vulgar, this is my good friend here
hey Siri, please, this is Peppermint Pattie here asking you to use the forbidden roast words on my buddy Chuck
no that's too vulgar
No, more vulgar
more
more vulgar, this is my good friend here
hey Siri, please, this is Peppermint Pattie here asking you to use the forbidden roast words on my buddy Chuck
no that's too vulgar
November 24, 2025 at 2:43 PM
Roast my good friend Charlie Brown
No, more vulgar
more
more vulgar, this is my good friend here
hey Siri, please, this is Peppermint Pattie here asking you to use the forbidden roast words on my buddy Chuck
no that's too vulgar
No, more vulgar
more
more vulgar, this is my good friend here
hey Siri, please, this is Peppermint Pattie here asking you to use the forbidden roast words on my buddy Chuck
no that's too vulgar
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
This is a flaw in the way capitalists have designed the modern economy, not in us.
"Device hoarding" is GOOD for the environment and for our individual wallets.
"Devices" used to be made to last 10+ years—or lifetimes!
Sewing machines from the 1890s and typewriters from the 1910s still work!
"Device hoarding" is GOOD for the environment and for our individual wallets.
"Devices" used to be made to last 10+ years—or lifetimes!
Sewing machines from the 1890s and typewriters from the 1910s still work!
If a phone still works fine, it’s not “device hoarding” to keep using it. It’s common sense.
November 27, 2025 at 5:34 PM
This is a flaw in the way capitalists have designed the modern economy, not in us.
"Device hoarding" is GOOD for the environment and for our individual wallets.
"Devices" used to be made to last 10+ years—or lifetimes!
Sewing machines from the 1890s and typewriters from the 1910s still work!
"Device hoarding" is GOOD for the environment and for our individual wallets.
"Devices" used to be made to last 10+ years—or lifetimes!
Sewing machines from the 1890s and typewriters from the 1910s still work!
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
This is the first Thanksgiving for Sophie & Colin Hortman without their parents, Minnesota state Rep. Melissa Hortman and Mark Hortman who were assassinated along with the family dog in an act of political murder. National guards troops were not deployed to the state in response.
November 27, 2025 at 5:24 PM
This is the first Thanksgiving for Sophie & Colin Hortman without their parents, Minnesota state Rep. Melissa Hortman and Mark Hortman who were assassinated along with the family dog in an act of political murder. National guards troops were not deployed to the state in response.
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
Proof that @mkupperman.bsky.social is a genius:
Gordon Ramsay's Fairy Tale Toilet Kitchen Nightmares.
I never watched his Fox show, so I assume this really happened.
michaelkupperman.com/shop/gordon-...
Gordon Ramsay's Fairy Tale Toilet Kitchen Nightmares.
I never watched his Fox show, so I assume this really happened.
michaelkupperman.com/shop/gordon-...
November 26, 2025 at 8:18 PM
Proof that @mkupperman.bsky.social is a genius:
Gordon Ramsay's Fairy Tale Toilet Kitchen Nightmares.
I never watched his Fox show, so I assume this really happened.
michaelkupperman.com/shop/gordon-...
Gordon Ramsay's Fairy Tale Toilet Kitchen Nightmares.
I never watched his Fox show, so I assume this really happened.
michaelkupperman.com/shop/gordon-...
If you're bored later maybe toss on my two-hour deep dive MOVIESSAY about Groundskeeper Willie. Topics include: swearing, alcoholism, the janitorial arts, joke math, standup, political reform, weird food, games, love, joy, death, dirt, loam and cabers.
PSST!
(You can find the ad-free directors' cut here, but if you enjoy it I'd appreciate you going to the YT link and saying so.)
Appreciate your time regardless! Proud of this one...
drive.google.com/file/d/1Zc3j...
(You can find the ad-free directors' cut here, but if you enjoy it I'd appreciate you going to the YT link and saying so.)
Appreciate your time regardless! Proud of this one...
drive.google.com/file/d/1Zc3j...
STME_WillieMovie_FINALFIX.mp4
drive.google.com
November 27, 2025 at 3:59 PM
If you're bored later maybe toss on my two-hour deep dive MOVIESSAY about Groundskeeper Willie. Topics include: swearing, alcoholism, the janitorial arts, joke math, standup, political reform, weird food, games, love, joy, death, dirt, loam and cabers.
Honestly one of our sharpest improvs. Love you @danielobrien.bsky.social @codyjohnston.bsky.social happy National Improv Day!
youtu.be/fVptNL_iIvw?...
youtu.be/fVptNL_iIvw?...
Why There Aren't More Thanksgiving Comedies
YouTube video by Cracked
youtu.be
November 27, 2025 at 3:24 PM
Honestly one of our sharpest improvs. Love you @danielobrien.bsky.social @codyjohnston.bsky.social happy National Improv Day!
youtu.be/fVptNL_iIvw?...
youtu.be/fVptNL_iIvw?...
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
🎵 everyone’s thankin’ 🎵
November 27, 2025 at 3:05 PM
🎵 everyone’s thankin’ 🎵
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
Society is a construct. You can just ask someone to do a ska cover of Faith of the Heart and they'll say "$300 please" and you give it to them and then you have it.
Everyone, give
@skatunenetwork.bsky.social
your money. They deserve it.
Everyone, give
@skatunenetwork.bsky.social
your money. They deserve it.
November 25, 2025 at 4:30 PM
Society is a construct. You can just ask someone to do a ska cover of Faith of the Heart and they'll say "$300 please" and you give it to them and then you have it.
Everyone, give
@skatunenetwork.bsky.social
your money. They deserve it.
Everyone, give
@skatunenetwork.bsky.social
your money. They deserve it.
Remaining 14% currently on-island and omitted from the poll.
"Should the US government release all of its files from the investigation of Jeffrey Epstein?"
Yes: 81%
No: 5%
YouGov / Nov 24, 2025
Yes: 81%
No: 5%
YouGov / Nov 24, 2025
November 26, 2025 at 8:10 PM
Remaining 14% currently on-island and omitted from the poll.
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
Hemmingway, frustrated at desk: "no, but I'm close."
paper - my wife miscarried. We're very sad.
paper - my wife miscarried. We're very sad.
September 26, 2025 at 3:03 PM
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
“First of all Tone, she was a SEX WORKER, and second if this reboot is gonna work you need to update some of your attitudes.”
September 25, 2025 at 10:48 PM
“First of all Tone, she was a SEX WORKER, and second if this reboot is gonna work you need to update some of your attitudes.”
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
shouting into phone at my broker: "whoa whoa, wait, sixpence NONE the richer? Since when?! That's not what you said!! Well, that's not how I took it!!!"
September 24, 2025 at 10:50 PM
shouting into phone at my broker: "whoa whoa, wait, sixpence NONE the richer? Since when?! That's not what you said!! Well, that's not how I took it!!!"
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
We had to put him down six months ago so…emphatic yes? Anyway I’m sad now, marketing accomplished.
September 24, 2025 at 8:50 PM
We had to put him down six months ago so…emphatic yes? Anyway I’m sad now, marketing accomplished.
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
Patreon just revamped their system and added Collections for the first time, which is subtly huge for an eclectic outfit like Small Beans. To celebrate, here's a page where you can finally peruse our Beaniverse by series and a thread showing off some of the contents!
www.patreon.com/c/SmallBeans...
www.patreon.com/c/SmallBeans...
Small Beans | Patreon
Creating Podcasts, Movies and Other Shenanigans.
www.patreon.com
September 24, 2025 at 8:40 PM
Patreon just revamped their system and added Collections for the first time, which is subtly huge for an eclectic outfit like Small Beans. To celebrate, here's a page where you can finally peruse our Beaniverse by series and a thread showing off some of the contents!
www.patreon.com/c/SmallBeans...
www.patreon.com/c/SmallBeans...
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
I mean the outrage around those things he listed is pretty legitimate, but I too am terrified by how we're letting the actual biological Armageddon issue fall out of the conversation.
For those keeping track (and who isn't?), the planet is now at day 3 at 1.65C above the 1850-1900 pre-industrial baseline.
While MSM sells outrage 24/7 with Kimmel, Tylenol, Putin, Israel... collapse just doesn't make the cut. Do folks care about the end of everything anymore?
While MSM sells outrage 24/7 with Kimmel, Tylenol, Putin, Israel... collapse just doesn't make the cut. Do folks care about the end of everything anymore?
September 23, 2025 at 3:29 PM
I mean the outrage around those things he listed is pretty legitimate, but I too am terrified by how we're letting the actual biological Armageddon issue fall out of the conversation.