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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

@michaelswaim.bsky.social

6.2K followers 390 following 3.3K posts

Writer, podcaster, comedian - a real hoopy frood you should sass who knows where his towel's @. CV: Small Beans | CRACKED | Some More News | IGN | 1900HOTDOG patreon.com/c/smallbeans

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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · Dec 8

This is an ongoing thread of MEDIA, ADVICE, TRUISMS that are actually (usually) true, and AMAZING PROJECTS. Below this tweet are replies that split the thread into each of those four topics. Fully soliciting additions, arguments and jokes! Help me raise my son!

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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · Aug 21

logging on (@danielobrien.bsky.social PoV)

Star Trek: TNG screen. Riker says "Enterprise, we have an injury. Transport Soren directly to sickbay." Soren is passed out on the floor in the background.

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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · Aug 21

Ensign Green, who just woke up with amnesia: "Well fuck. That's awful, I'm depressed now. Who am I, Mr. Spyxmo?"

Star Trek screen. Bones and Spock. Someone off-screen says "Mr. Oxmyx, this is Mr. Spock."

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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · Aug 21

Pretty cocky tone considering my card's been denied at the restaurant in my hotel every single day for a week.

A pull from the chase.com website saying you don't have to give them travel notices anymore because their fraud detection system's so amazing now that it just knows where you are and thinks of you and wishes you hung out more.

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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · Aug 21

TIRED: being remembered for your music
WIRED: being remembered for inventing a new way to die from sex

A reddit post: "18thC composer Frantisek Kotzwara (now largely forgotten), on tour in London, paid a prostitute to cut off his testicles. She refused, so he had sex with her with a ligature tied around his neck and connected to the door.

When it was finished, he was dead.

His death is one of the first recorded incidents of erotic-asphyxiation.

The prostitute went on trial for murder, although was acquitted when she gave the account of the composers death. The court records were destroyed in order to prevent a public scandal."

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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · 3h

This is David Drayton erasure.

From the film The Mist. Thomas Jane as David Drayton pretending to paint a painting by Drew Struzan.

Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

Matt McMuscles @mattmcmuscles.bsky.social · 6h

RIP to Drew Struzen, the greatest to ever do it. 🙌

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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · 1d

Lowkey one of my fav vids we did at Cracked...no prompter no cuts all History's Greatest Monster!!! Happy Indigenous Peoples' Day.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=kx6D...

DED Talks: Why Christopher Columbus Was History's Biggest Dick

YouTube video by Cracked

www.youtube.com

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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · 1d

"Is there a place they DO need chodes?"
"What?"
"Is there a place they DO need them?"
"I said we won't need roads...where we're going we won't need roads. Why-"
"Oh okay, nevermind then."
"But why do-"
"Is this a time machine? This seems amazing, let's hop in and go to a different time or something"

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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · 1d

Rocko's Modern Basilisk and his pal The Inevitable Heffer

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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · Aug 21

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, especially if you paint "BAD CLOCK DON'T USE" on it.

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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · Jul 6

my sci-fi short story ONE LAST JOB as a 20-page comic by @artbygarth.bsky.social ... you can nab the .pdf for free from the Small Beans Patreon page!

1/21

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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · 1d

🎵 I smell divorce bells! 🎶

email subject line reads "Why do husbands lose interest from wives after marriage?" The preview of the body said "What is currently doing it for me is..."

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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · 1d

...or Daniel Gordh as Tesla!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Wjo...

DED Talks: How Nikola Tesla Became Your Favorite Weirdo

YouTube video by Cracked

www.youtube.com

michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · 1d

While you're at it never a bad time to rewatch @alexschmidty.bsky.social as Walt Disney!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBRL...

DED Talks: Why Walt Disney is Nothing Like You Think He Was - Disney Parody

YouTube video by Cracked

www.youtube.com

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Logging On @logonlog.bsky.social · 1d

logging on

From the show Home Movies. Paula Small on the phone, says "I'm wearing big baggy pants and a shirt that makes a man want to buy me another shirt."

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Joaquín Baldwin @joabaldwin.com · 1d

What the actual fuck, YouTube.
It decided to automatically replace my own voice with AI bot voice, without my consent. What is the point of this shit.
Turn the volume on 🔈

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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · 2d

MY TOP TEN JOKES 😆 AND TOP FIVE REPLIES ⤴️ OF THE WEEK 🧵 (thread)

NUMBER TEN

bsky.app/profile/mich...

michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · 9d

As the child of both harmacy and inhurtment camp survivors, I KNOW A TRAP WHEN I SEE ONE.

Sign - Pharmacy. The “P” is scratched off and drawn back in with a sharpie.

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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · 1d

Lowkey one of my fav vids we did at Cracked...no prompter no cuts all History's Greatest Monster!!! Happy Indigenous Peoples' Day.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=kx6D...

DED Talks: Why Christopher Columbus Was History's Biggest Dick

YouTube video by Cracked

www.youtube.com

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Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

Pavel @spavel.bsky.social · 2d

bitch what

Onedrive settings. A toggle for using AI to detect and identify faces is set to on. The caption says, you can only turn off this setting 3 times per year.

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ARCxLIGHT @arcxlight.bsky.social · 2d

3 Rat Moon

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Jason K Pargin, author @jasonkpargin.bsky.social · 1d

My NYT bestselling novel 'This Book is Full of Spiders' is three bucks this month in any ebook format. It's a great entry point if you've never read my books (I realize it says it's book 2 in a series but these all stand alone as complete stories). Just search your device for that title.

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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · 1d

wrong sorry it was jism

michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · 1d

professional Killer Instinct player?

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michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · 2d

In honor of spooky month, share a 4 word horror story that only someone in your profession would understand:

Some motherfuckers ice-skate uphill.

michael swaim 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ @michaelswaim.bsky.social · 2d

In honor of spooky month, share a 4 word horror story that only someone in your profession would understand:

We're pivoting to video.

Natasha Simonova @philistella.bsky.social · 2d

In honor of spooky month, share a 4 word horror story that only someone in your profession would understand:

New library catalogue website.

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