Mike Blejer
@mblejer.bsky.social
I write words (only some of them). Repped at Range & Verve, unless you hate me, in which case I'm a robot sent from the present to destroy you.
One of the most important things a parent can do is foster self-reliance. That’s why I’m teaching my son to beat himself.
January 27, 2026 at 5:07 AM
One of the most important things a parent can do is foster self-reliance. That’s why I’m teaching my son to beat himself.
The key to maintaining lifelong authority as a parent is to quiz your kid relentlessly from the moment they can barely speak. That way, they grow up believing you have all the answers and don’t even think to question it by the time they hit middle school and cognitively blow past you.
January 26, 2026 at 8:16 AM
The key to maintaining lifelong authority as a parent is to quiz your kid relentlessly from the moment they can barely speak. That way, they grow up believing you have all the answers and don’t even think to question it by the time they hit middle school and cognitively blow past you.
For no reason at alll, I have this picture filed away in my mind as “My Precious.”
January 25, 2026 at 5:41 AM
For no reason at alll, I have this picture filed away in my mind as “My Precious.”
I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do when my kid gets too big for me to hold him with one hand and do a selfie with the other.
January 24, 2026 at 8:18 AM
I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do when my kid gets too big for me to hold him with one hand and do a selfie with the other.
Memorialized this, the first of what I can only assume will be many, many occasions on which my son is objectively dressed better than me (although statistically speaking we probably both got our outfit from my mom).
January 23, 2026 at 6:49 AM
Memorialized this, the first of what I can only assume will be many, many occasions on which my son is objectively dressed better than me (although statistically speaking we probably both got our outfit from my mom).
My darling may be only two, but even he can see right through this blatant Pluto erasure.
January 22, 2026 at 8:21 AM
My darling may be only two, but even he can see right through this blatant Pluto erasure.
There’s a sweet spot right after dinner and right before the meltdown when Toddler becomes a really fun tiny drunk unproblematic frat bro. And I’m not saying it would be ethical to rent him out as an evening party mascot for local fraternities, but in this essay I will
January 21, 2026 at 7:45 AM
There’s a sweet spot right after dinner and right before the meltdown when Toddler becomes a really fun tiny drunk unproblematic frat bro. And I’m not saying it would be ethical to rent him out as an evening party mascot for local fraternities, but in this essay I will
One thing I’ve learned in life is that it’s never good to generate evidence. Finding evidence? Great. You could be a detective, or a scientist, or an archaeologist who punches Nazis.
But making evidence? Best-case scenario, you’re the prop master in a student production of 12 Angry Men.
But making evidence? Best-case scenario, you’re the prop master in a student production of 12 Angry Men.
January 20, 2026 at 6:40 AM
One thing I’ve learned in life is that it’s never good to generate evidence. Finding evidence? Great. You could be a detective, or a scientist, or an archaeologist who punches Nazis.
But making evidence? Best-case scenario, you’re the prop master in a student production of 12 Angry Men.
But making evidence? Best-case scenario, you’re the prop master in a student production of 12 Angry Men.
It’s wild how many kids’ stories center on kings and queens and princes and princesses. Then one day you grow up and realize it’s a thousand years of accrued pro-billionaire propaganda (adjusted for inflation).
Anyway, the point is, we’re egalitarian antimonarchists in this house.
Anyway, the point is, we’re egalitarian antimonarchists in this house.
January 19, 2026 at 8:27 AM
It’s wild how many kids’ stories center on kings and queens and princes and princesses. Then one day you grow up and realize it’s a thousand years of accrued pro-billionaire propaganda (adjusted for inflation).
Anyway, the point is, we’re egalitarian antimonarchists in this house.
Anyway, the point is, we’re egalitarian antimonarchists in this house.
On some days, parenthood requires me to be a detective, decoding my toddler’s rapidly evolving word jumble to solve what turns out to be a surprisingly human mystery.
January 18, 2026 at 8:44 AM
On some days, parenthood requires me to be a detective, decoding my toddler’s rapidly evolving word jumble to solve what turns out to be a surprisingly human mystery.
POV: You work from home and somehow you *still* end up sharing a cubicle.
January 17, 2026 at 7:20 AM
POV: You work from home and somehow you *still* end up sharing a cubicle.
Teaching my kid about friction early so he really understands what I’m talking about when I tell him he rubs me the wrong way.
January 16, 2026 at 8:25 AM
Teaching my kid about friction early so he really understands what I’m talking about when I tell him he rubs me the wrong way.
Me to my darling child, my eldest son, my glowing lantern who daily illuminates the path through this dark world: yooo, you wanna get sh*tfaced?
January 15, 2026 at 7:12 AM
Me to my darling child, my eldest son, my glowing lantern who daily illuminates the path through this dark world: yooo, you wanna get sh*tfaced?
It’s just so amazing to watch them grow up, to see all the little lights flicker on inside their heads, like take this photo series— if you look closely, you can see the *exact* moment he realizes it’s already too late.
January 14, 2026 at 7:47 AM
It’s just so amazing to watch them grow up, to see all the little lights flicker on inside their heads, like take this photo series— if you look closely, you can see the *exact* moment he realizes it’s already too late.
When you’re staging a photo, lighting is everything. That’s why for the family shoot this year I used a stand-in of my exact mass equivalent (skinny goof; grumpy dog). I was gonna Photoshop myself in later, but it seemed hard and, honestly, no one’s noticed.
January 13, 2026 at 8:02 AM
When you’re staging a photo, lighting is everything. That’s why for the family shoot this year I used a stand-in of my exact mass equivalent (skinny goof; grumpy dog). I was gonna Photoshop myself in later, but it seemed hard and, honestly, no one’s noticed.
This Bumbo chair’s supposed to help your kid learn to sit up, but by the time he was old enough to use it, his thicc Blejer thighs didn’t fit in it, so I used it to train his neck.
January 12, 2026 at 8:26 AM
This Bumbo chair’s supposed to help your kid learn to sit up, but by the time he was old enough to use it, his thicc Blejer thighs didn’t fit in it, so I used it to train his neck.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve asked this kid to teach me how to use his dang abacus.
January 11, 2026 at 10:38 AM
I can’t count the number of times I’ve asked this kid to teach me how to use his dang abacus.
I truly do not mean to dismiss the deep love and analysis that people bring to sports fandom, but I absolutely think this should be a dubbing option for idiots like me.
January 10, 2026 at 7:06 AM
I truly do not mean to dismiss the deep love and analysis that people bring to sports fandom, but I absolutely think this should be a dubbing option for idiots like me.
My son used to hate the car because he was afraid he’d puke on rides over 15 minutes.
But now he’s all grown up, and instead he gets excited—because he *knows* he’ll probably puke on rides over 15 minutes.
But now he’s all grown up, and instead he gets excited—because he *knows* he’ll probably puke on rides over 15 minutes.
January 9, 2026 at 9:49 AM
My son used to hate the car because he was afraid he’d puke on rides over 15 minutes.
But now he’s all grown up, and instead he gets excited—because he *knows* he’ll probably puke on rides over 15 minutes.
But now he’s all grown up, and instead he gets excited—because he *knows* he’ll probably puke on rides over 15 minutes.
As a lifelong student of physics, I’ve always admired the elegance of simple machines—toddler on an inclined plane, grandfather about to get kicked in the face. Pure cause and effect, moderated only by gravity, time, and periodic yet ultimately insufficient Medicare payments.
January 8, 2026 at 7:52 AM
As a lifelong student of physics, I’ve always admired the elegance of simple machines—toddler on an inclined plane, grandfather about to get kicked in the face. Pure cause and effect, moderated only by gravity, time, and periodic yet ultimately insufficient Medicare payments.
OK, so it is ever so slightly possible that I’ve instilled in my young child a phobia of mosquitoes, but in my defense—alongside being a fantastic father—I am quite itchy.
January 7, 2026 at 8:38 AM
OK, so it is ever so slightly possible that I’ve instilled in my young child a phobia of mosquitoes, but in my defense—alongside being a fantastic father—I am quite itchy.
When tape sees stickers, I bet it gets so judgmental:
“Why can you not take anything seriously? I know this whole ‘flair’ thing is cute right now, but one day the novelty’s gonna wear off—and that means you’re gonna need a real job. You’ll be lucky if a banana will have you by then.”
“Why can you not take anything seriously? I know this whole ‘flair’ thing is cute right now, but one day the novelty’s gonna wear off—and that means you’re gonna need a real job. You’ll be lucky if a banana will have you by then.”
January 6, 2026 at 8:48 AM
When tape sees stickers, I bet it gets so judgmental:
“Why can you not take anything seriously? I know this whole ‘flair’ thing is cute right now, but one day the novelty’s gonna wear off—and that means you’re gonna need a real job. You’ll be lucky if a banana will have you by then.”
“Why can you not take anything seriously? I know this whole ‘flair’ thing is cute right now, but one day the novelty’s gonna wear off—and that means you’re gonna need a real job. You’ll be lucky if a banana will have you by then.”
As a child of the greater LA region, it’s important to introduce him to road safety early— how to responsibly use the shoulder to shave 12 seconds off your commute, when a red light is giving “ignore me,” and what to do if a police chase launches a car into your favorite Mendocino Farms.
January 5, 2026 at 9:35 AM
As a child of the greater LA region, it’s important to introduce him to road safety early— how to responsibly use the shoulder to shave 12 seconds off your commute, when a red light is giving “ignore me,” and what to do if a police chase launches a car into your favorite Mendocino Farms.
One cool thing about having a toddler is the ease with which you can permanently condition them to hate a song just by using it as their bedtime anthem.
Arguably the most effective form of musical brainwashing (next to national anthems).
Arguably the most effective form of musical brainwashing (next to national anthems).
January 4, 2026 at 8:24 AM
One cool thing about having a toddler is the ease with which you can permanently condition them to hate a song just by using it as their bedtime anthem.
Arguably the most effective form of musical brainwashing (next to national anthems).
Arguably the most effective form of musical brainwashing (next to national anthems).
Spoons are one of the only musical instruments you can drink soup out of without it becoming a whole thing (don’t tell my tuba coach I told you this).
January 3, 2026 at 9:31 AM
Spoons are one of the only musical instruments you can drink soup out of without it becoming a whole thing (don’t tell my tuba coach I told you this).