KalansPhantom 🍐🏴☠️🔞 🪢
@kalansphantomff.bsky.social
Pfp by Inkirtis. Banner by SailorsRuin A little insane, a little chaotic, the horny half of Hingeless and Horny. 3 Million words and counting of gay pirates on A03 https://archiveofourown.org/users/KalansPhantom/works
Sitting around with my wife and out of NO WHERE goes "Don't some whales have sex through their blow holes?"
Me: 😕🤔🧐 No... no they do not.
Wife (Slightly distressed look): I don't know what I'm thinking about then....can you see what has sex like that?
Someone might be high.
Me: 😕🤔🧐 No... no they do not.
Wife (Slightly distressed look): I don't know what I'm thinking about then....can you see what has sex like that?
Someone might be high.
November 30, 2025 at 1:33 AM
Sitting around with my wife and out of NO WHERE goes "Don't some whales have sex through their blow holes?"
Me: 😕🤔🧐 No... no they do not.
Wife (Slightly distressed look): I don't know what I'm thinking about then....can you see what has sex like that?
Someone might be high.
Me: 😕🤔🧐 No... no they do not.
Wife (Slightly distressed look): I don't know what I'm thinking about then....can you see what has sex like that?
Someone might be high.
And so begins my new tradition. Putting out my tiny dick christmas lights and seeing how long until my wife notices. 😈
November 29, 2025 at 9:27 PM
And so begins my new tradition. Putting out my tiny dick christmas lights and seeing how long until my wife notices. 😈
Getting some chrismtas stuff in the most midwest fashion.
"Mah'nards!" Jackie probably
"Mah'nards!" Jackie probably
November 29, 2025 at 7:56 PM
Getting some chrismtas stuff in the most midwest fashion.
"Mah'nards!" Jackie probably
"Mah'nards!" Jackie probably
Five animals I’ve seen in the wild:
Orcas
Black bear
moose
rosy maple moth
mexican wolf
Orcas
Black bear
moose
rosy maple moth
mexican wolf
Five animals I’ve seen in the wild:
Tarantula
Scorpion
Coyotes
Texas Longhorn Beetle in NoCal
Dolphins & whales (together)
Tarantula
Scorpion
Coyotes
Texas Longhorn Beetle in NoCal
Dolphins & whales (together)
Five animals I’ve seen in the wild, Vegas edition:
Roadrunners
Wild horses
Wild donkeys
Big horn sheep
Jackrabbits
Desert animals I still want to find: tarantulas and desert tortoises
Roadrunners
Wild horses
Wild donkeys
Big horn sheep
Jackrabbits
Desert animals I still want to find: tarantulas and desert tortoises
November 29, 2025 at 6:00 PM
Five animals I’ve seen in the wild:
Orcas
Black bear
moose
rosy maple moth
mexican wolf
Orcas
Black bear
moose
rosy maple moth
mexican wolf
Stede covered in tattoos. that's it, that's my mood right now. Brilliant colorful tattoos covering Stede's chest and back, so Ed doesn't notice until this sweet blond DILF takes his shirt off and he's living art.
November 29, 2025 at 5:56 PM
Stede covered in tattoos. that's it, that's my mood right now. Brilliant colorful tattoos covering Stede's chest and back, so Ed doesn't notice until this sweet blond DILF takes his shirt off and he's living art.
Reposted by KalansPhantom 🍐🏴☠️🔞 🪢
Reposted by KalansPhantom 🍐🏴☠️🔞 🪢
@kalansphantomff.bsky.social ...done something to my brain...
getting the onion newspaper is worth it alone for the ads
November 29, 2025 at 2:53 AM
@kalansphantomff.bsky.social ...done something to my brain...
The bubble has burst. archiveofourown.org/works/656799...
November 29, 2025 at 2:57 AM
The bubble has burst. archiveofourown.org/works/656799...
Somewhere Ed is trying to make dinner and Stede is swinging him around the kitchen singing Earth Angel quite poorly as they dance. The potatoes are boiling over, the chicken is a bit overdone, Ed wouldn't have it any other way as he's dipped and grins up at the madman he loves.
November 29, 2025 at 1:59 AM
Somewhere Ed is trying to make dinner and Stede is swinging him around the kitchen singing Earth Angel quite poorly as they dance. The potatoes are boiling over, the chicken is a bit overdone, Ed wouldn't have it any other way as he's dipped and grins up at the madman he loves.
introduce yourself with 5 concerts you’ve seen
Disturbed
Dolly Parton
Evanescence
Ozzy Ozbourne
Martina McBride
Disturbed
Dolly Parton
Evanescence
Ozzy Ozbourne
Martina McBride
Introduce yourself with 5 concerts you’ve seen (OFMD edition)
Patti Smith
Lou Reed
Devo
Brian Wilson
Jethro Tull
Patti Smith
Lou Reed
Devo
Brian Wilson
Jethro Tull
introduce yourself with 5 concerts you’ve seen
My Life With The Thrill Kill Cult
KMFDM
Jane’s Addiction
NIN
Ministry
My Life With The Thrill Kill Cult
KMFDM
Jane’s Addiction
NIN
Ministry
November 29, 2025 at 1:50 AM
introduce yourself with 5 concerts you’ve seen
Disturbed
Dolly Parton
Evanescence
Ozzy Ozbourne
Martina McBride
Disturbed
Dolly Parton
Evanescence
Ozzy Ozbourne
Martina McBride
Going through my beta's comments in the latest Tarte
November 29, 2025 at 1:40 AM
Going through my beta's comments in the latest Tarte
Reposted by KalansPhantom 🍐🏴☠️🔞 🪢
if you need something to read (or reread) today, allow me to tempt you with Winter Heat by @kalansphantomff.bsky.social for some needy omega Stede deliciousness 😌🍆💦✨
archiveofourown.org/works/57925222
#ofmdfanart #ofmdnsfw #gentlebeard
archiveofourown.org/works/57925222
#ofmdfanart #ofmdnsfw #gentlebeard
November 28, 2025 at 5:29 PM
if you need something to read (or reread) today, allow me to tempt you with Winter Heat by @kalansphantomff.bsky.social for some needy omega Stede deliciousness 😌🍆💦✨
archiveofourown.org/works/57925222
#ofmdfanart #ofmdnsfw #gentlebeard
archiveofourown.org/works/57925222
#ofmdfanart #ofmdnsfw #gentlebeard
Blind Taste Test, in which glory holes are gloried and Ed tests flavored holiday themed condoms. archiveofourown.org/works/70674766
November 28, 2025 at 11:18 AM
Blind Taste Test, in which glory holes are gloried and Ed tests flavored holiday themed condoms. archiveofourown.org/works/70674766
recurring kalansphantom fic things: tasty omegaverse scents, whumping Stede, way too many words, meandering vibe based storylines, Ed's big baby cow eyes, hurting you via abandonment, promised happy endings, wrecking characters for the better.
November 28, 2025 at 2:51 AM
recurring kalansphantom fic things: tasty omegaverse scents, whumping Stede, way too many words, meandering vibe based storylines, Ed's big baby cow eyes, hurting you via abandonment, promised happy endings, wrecking characters for the better.
🍐🍐 Tomorrow hopefully.
November 28, 2025 at 1:59 AM
🍐🍐 Tomorrow hopefully.
I give you the most ed coded christmas decoration ever.
November 27, 2025 at 10:46 PM
I give you the most ed coded christmas decoration ever.
Its called a sparkling pear 😅
November 27, 2025 at 7:23 PM
Its called a sparkling pear 😅
Just an FYI, Ed from Acts of Contrition may have just started watching Fleabag for VERY normal reasons.
November 27, 2025 at 6:12 PM
Just an FYI, Ed from Acts of Contrition may have just started watching Fleabag for VERY normal reasons.
Reposted by KalansPhantom 🍐🏴☠️🔞 🪢
November 27, 2025 at 2:39 AM
This outfit is everything and it needs to be used in so many fics. Seriously.
November 27, 2025 at 3:08 PM
This outfit is everything and it needs to be used in so many fics. Seriously.
This is probably old news because the photo is months old but holy 😲 I need this Ned in an au stat
November 27, 2025 at 2:59 PM
Happy Turkey Day. Gonna start this day on a bit of a high note. It's a good day for a reread of Winter Heat because there are two pieces of AMAZING artwork by @sweetpotato69.bsky.social now embedded in each chapter.
archiveofourown.org/works/579252...
archiveofourown.org/works/579252...
November 27, 2025 at 2:45 PM
Happy Turkey Day. Gonna start this day on a bit of a high note. It's a good day for a reread of Winter Heat because there are two pieces of AMAZING artwork by @sweetpotato69.bsky.social now embedded in each chapter.
archiveofourown.org/works/579252...
archiveofourown.org/works/579252...
Working on a fic to hurt people tonight as I work through feelings, so, well, you know. Fear the future.
November 27, 2025 at 2:56 AM
Working on a fic to hurt people tonight as I work through feelings, so, well, you know. Fear the future.
The CT did not find good news. 😔 either aggressive cancer or a type of fungus with a poor prognosis. He's such a young cat, we were really hoping for a polyp.
November 26, 2025 at 7:18 PM
The CT did not find good news. 😔 either aggressive cancer or a type of fungus with a poor prognosis. He's such a young cat, we were really hoping for a polyp.
November 26, 2025 at 2:14 PM