Ian Swans a-Swimmin'
@ianfortey.bsky.social
🍁NY Times & Amazon best-selling horror and comedy writer. Taco supporter & food writer. Author of WereCage & a book about Eve6. Bon vivant and lustrous man about town.
Here's my books, you beautiful buggers - https://books2read.com/b/werecage
Here's my books, you beautiful buggers - https://books2read.com/b/werecage
The best thing about the Resident Evil movie is how they covered a doberman in some sort of prosthetic pastrami suit to make it into a zombie.
December 10, 2025 at 5:00 AM
The best thing about the Resident Evil movie is how they covered a doberman in some sort of prosthetic pastrami suit to make it into a zombie.
*sipping tea made from twigs and ditch water in the midst of a zombie apocalypse*
Call me crazy, but I think the real monsters are still the dead folk trying to eat me.
Call me crazy, but I think the real monsters are still the dead folk trying to eat me.
December 10, 2025 at 4:52 AM
*sipping tea made from twigs and ditch water in the midst of a zombie apocalypse*
Call me crazy, but I think the real monsters are still the dead folk trying to eat me.
Call me crazy, but I think the real monsters are still the dead folk trying to eat me.
Seems pretty clear to me that they're not cognitive tests that they're giving Donald Trump, they're just tests to determine if they can keep parading someone in front of a microphone whose head is full of soot and poo.
December 10, 2025 at 4:49 AM
Seems pretty clear to me that they're not cognitive tests that they're giving Donald Trump, they're just tests to determine if they can keep parading someone in front of a microphone whose head is full of soot and poo.
*hacks the mainframe and megabytes the reboot*
I'm in!
*sweats*
I'm in!
*sweats*
December 10, 2025 at 4:42 AM
*hacks the mainframe and megabytes the reboot*
I'm in!
*sweats*
I'm in!
*sweats*
Oh my fuck
it's 2025 and the gangly guy who appeared on a few seasons of The Office is now our only mirror to society
December 10, 2025 at 4:03 AM
Oh my fuck
I've written stuff like this when I'm doing a character who's meant to be completely unhinged and fucking deranged. Like some sort of meth-addled drunken miscreant or Goblin of some kind. How is this man real? How is any of this real? It should be so much funnier than it is, but it's just sad
Every part of this is bonkers. The intro is bonkers. The transition to his health is bonkers. The mention that other presidents didn't need cognitive exams is bonkers. The claim that this screening test is somehow hard is bonkers. The idea that criticism of him is treason is bonkers. All of it.
December 10, 2025 at 4:01 AM
I've written stuff like this when I'm doing a character who's meant to be completely unhinged and fucking deranged. Like some sort of meth-addled drunken miscreant or Goblin of some kind. How is this man real? How is any of this real? It should be so much funnier than it is, but it's just sad
Man, I reeeeeaaallly didn't like the direction Welcome to Derry went for the last 3 episodes.
December 10, 2025 at 2:31 AM
Man, I reeeeeaaallly didn't like the direction Welcome to Derry went for the last 3 episodes.
Imagine if the only thing you were truly skilled at was being Olympic-level gross.
Trump on Karoline Leavitt: "That beautiful face and those lips that don't stop like a little machine gun"
December 10, 2025 at 12:42 AM
Imagine if the only thing you were truly skilled at was being Olympic-level gross.
I hope at some point during the filming of The Shining, Shelly Duvall called Stanley Kubrick Stanley Shitbrick.
December 9, 2025 at 10:06 PM
I hope at some point during the filming of The Shining, Shelly Duvall called Stanley Kubrick Stanley Shitbrick.
My dog won’t listen after he saw me….#funnysong #datinglife #dogs
YouTube video by LEWKY
youtube.com
December 9, 2025 at 9:14 PM
Tacos are not even food. "Talk? Oh!" It's a surprising kind of speech, like you might discover from a parrot or an unusual bit of flatulence that sounds like a question. I got my Master's degree from my mother at Best Boy University. I graduated Best Boy. Did you??
Nazis were not fascist. Fascism was used by Mussolini not hitler
December 9, 2025 at 9:05 PM
Tacos are not even food. "Talk? Oh!" It's a surprising kind of speech, like you might discover from a parrot or an unusual bit of flatulence that sounds like a question. I got my Master's degree from my mother at Best Boy University. I graduated Best Boy. Did you??
If I directed Hallmark movies I would always put things in the background that are horrifying for anyone who pays attention to them. Like maybe in a crowded party scene, there's a guy in the back just processing human arms. Or maybe a blood-soaked clown on top of a roof across the street.
December 9, 2025 at 8:03 PM
If I directed Hallmark movies I would always put things in the background that are horrifying for anyone who pays attention to them. Like maybe in a crowded party scene, there's a guy in the back just processing human arms. Or maybe a blood-soaked clown on top of a roof across the street.
You ever think about how in the Transformers cartoon the Dinobots were intentionally made stupid? Like, the Autobots create living things intentionally, these are sentient beings, & they made them dumb on purpose and then basically tried to shit can them because they were dangerous as a result.
December 9, 2025 at 7:47 PM
You ever think about how in the Transformers cartoon the Dinobots were intentionally made stupid? Like, the Autobots create living things intentionally, these are sentient beings, & they made them dumb on purpose and then basically tried to shit can them because they were dangerous as a result.
When you eat something suspect and your stomach starts rumbling, that's turdulence.
December 9, 2025 at 7:06 PM
When you eat something suspect and your stomach starts rumbling, that's turdulence.
I can't believe my Auschwitz cake was butter pecan. My birthday is ruined.
December 9, 2025 at 6:14 PM
I can't believe my Auschwitz cake was butter pecan. My birthday is ruined.
I had 3 bunnies in the yard last night & some squirrels this morning so, in addition to the usual seed I put out, I made some emergency peanut butter sandwiches. I keep buying this natural peanut butter which I don't really care for, then I make a sandwich, cut it into 16 squares & toss it out back
December 9, 2025 at 6:09 PM
I had 3 bunnies in the yard last night & some squirrels this morning so, in addition to the usual seed I put out, I made some emergency peanut butter sandwiches. I keep buying this natural peanut butter which I don't really care for, then I make a sandwich, cut it into 16 squares & toss it out back
Nope. Didn't see that coming.
I can’t emphasize enough how much you need to watch this until the end
December 9, 2025 at 5:58 PM
Nope. Didn't see that coming.
Super tempted to write a dystopian horror novel where a corrupt future world punishes people by forcing them to undergo the Fallon Procedure which makes you not just look like Jimmy Fallon but think like him. An existential prison for those deemed enemies of the state.
December 9, 2025 at 5:51 PM
Super tempted to write a dystopian horror novel where a corrupt future world punishes people by forcing them to undergo the Fallon Procedure which makes you not just look like Jimmy Fallon but think like him. An existential prison for those deemed enemies of the state.
Using science and fel magicks to resurrect Johnny Carson so he can punch Jimmy Fallon in the belly so hard he pukes.
December 9, 2025 at 5:45 PM
Using science and fel magicks to resurrect Johnny Carson so he can punch Jimmy Fallon in the belly so hard he pukes.
There have been some scientific studies into the liquid, which most people agree is just condensation, but one of them described it as tasteless. Meaning some scientists drank the corpse water and then gave his opinion on it.
The bones of Santa have been leaking liquid for 1,700 years.
December 9, 2025 at 5:03 PM
There have been some scientific studies into the liquid, which most people agree is just condensation, but one of them described it as tasteless. Meaning some scientists drank the corpse water and then gave his opinion on it.
Well there's your problem. Don't train your dog to tie itself to a fence 2,000 miles away. That's simple.
"No one knows how Choco got to Michigan, but his family is just happy and grateful to have him back."
Dog reunited with family nearly 5 years after he disappeared, found more than 2,000 miles away
A little dog named Choco has been reunited with his family. Choco was found tied to a fence more than 2,000 miles from his home.
abc7chicago.com
December 9, 2025 at 4:55 PM
Well there's your problem. Don't train your dog to tie itself to a fence 2,000 miles away. That's simple.
On the one hand it makes sense to be upset about Jimmy Fallon platforming the CEO of Openai and selling ChatGPT's ability to help raise a baby to The Tonight Show audience. On the other hand, how many Jimmy Fallon fans can even find the right hole in order to breed?
December 9, 2025 at 4:50 PM
On the one hand it makes sense to be upset about Jimmy Fallon platforming the CEO of Openai and selling ChatGPT's ability to help raise a baby to The Tonight Show audience. On the other hand, how many Jimmy Fallon fans can even find the right hole in order to breed?
I can just picture Sam Altman, sitting in a pile of his own shit for hours, typing away on his phone to ChatGPT.
Sam: Why am I covered in shit?
ChatGPT: It's possible you have shit yourself.
Sam: No, I think I'd know if I shitted myself. Let's keep working on this for 5 hours.
Sam: Why am I covered in shit?
ChatGPT: It's possible you have shit yourself.
Sam: No, I think I'd know if I shitted myself. Let's keep working on this for 5 hours.
December 9, 2025 at 4:44 PM
I can just picture Sam Altman, sitting in a pile of his own shit for hours, typing away on his phone to ChatGPT.
Sam: Why am I covered in shit?
ChatGPT: It's possible you have shit yourself.
Sam: No, I think I'd know if I shitted myself. Let's keep working on this for 5 hours.
Sam: Why am I covered in shit?
ChatGPT: It's possible you have shit yourself.
Sam: No, I think I'd know if I shitted myself. Let's keep working on this for 5 hours.
Keep seeing folks disappointed in Sylvester Stallone. Good people of Bluesky, I implore you to look into the man's 6 decade history of being a massive sack of shit. Stallone has only ever been a good man by accident, as near as I can tell. He's a hateful, egotistical maniac by many, many accounts.
December 9, 2025 at 4:04 PM
Keep seeing folks disappointed in Sylvester Stallone. Good people of Bluesky, I implore you to look into the man's 6 decade history of being a massive sack of shit. Stallone has only ever been a good man by accident, as near as I can tell. He's a hateful, egotistical maniac by many, many accounts.
You can fit about a 75%-scaled Kelsey Grammer face on a Kelsey Grammer forehead.
December 9, 2025 at 3:53 PM
You can fit about a 75%-scaled Kelsey Grammer face on a Kelsey Grammer forehead.