Ian Swans a-Swimmin'
@ianfortey.bsky.social
🍁NY Times & Amazon best-selling horror and comedy writer. Taco supporter & food writer. Author of WereCage & a book about Eve6. Bon vivant and lustrous man about town.
Here's my books, you beautiful buggers - https://books2read.com/b/werecage
Here's my books, you beautiful buggers - https://books2read.com/b/werecage
I come from the land of the ice and snow.
December 5, 2025 at 12:53 AM
I come from the land of the ice and snow.
Sir, have you been drinking?
December 4, 2025 at 10:12 PM
Sir, have you been drinking?
Who just knocked over an entire display of Oreo Christmas cookie kits right at the Walmart entrance? This guy!
December 4, 2025 at 9:07 PM
Who just knocked over an entire display of Oreo Christmas cookie kits right at the Walmart entrance? This guy!
Romulandale
Dawson's Quadrant
One Trek Hill
Pretty Little Tribbles
My So-Called Starship
Gossip Gorn
The NCC-1701-OC
Veronica Mars Base
Degrassi: The Next Next Generation
13 Reasons Why (the warp core is malfunctioning)
Dawson's Quadrant
One Trek Hill
Pretty Little Tribbles
My So-Called Starship
Gossip Gorn
The NCC-1701-OC
Veronica Mars Base
Degrassi: The Next Next Generation
13 Reasons Why (the warp core is malfunctioning)
December 4, 2025 at 6:31 PM
Romulandale
Dawson's Quadrant
One Trek Hill
Pretty Little Tribbles
My So-Called Starship
Gossip Gorn
The NCC-1701-OC
Veronica Mars Base
Degrassi: The Next Next Generation
13 Reasons Why (the warp core is malfunctioning)
Dawson's Quadrant
One Trek Hill
Pretty Little Tribbles
My So-Called Starship
Gossip Gorn
The NCC-1701-OC
Veronica Mars Base
Degrassi: The Next Next Generation
13 Reasons Why (the warp core is malfunctioning)
*earlier today*
It's delicious, delightful. The best thing America has ever made, this product. The MaCrybee. Wholesome. Beautiful. What's that? McRib? No. Wrong. Fake news. MaCrybee.
It's delicious, delightful. The best thing America has ever made, this product. The MaCrybee. Wholesome. Beautiful. What's that? McRib? No. Wrong. Fake news. MaCrybee.
December 4, 2025 at 6:19 PM
*earlier today*
It's delicious, delightful. The best thing America has ever made, this product. The MaCrybee. Wholesome. Beautiful. What's that? McRib? No. Wrong. Fake news. MaCrybee.
It's delicious, delightful. The best thing America has ever made, this product. The MaCrybee. Wholesome. Beautiful. What's that? McRib? No. Wrong. Fake news. MaCrybee.
Christmas is coming!
December 4, 2025 at 5:01 PM
Christmas is coming!
*flipping through the 300-page script*
Me: Vin, you just wrote "Me (Vin) Ponch robots. Ponch. I ponch. A ponch" or something very similar on every single page.
Vin: Ponch! I ponch the bot! Ponch!
*he proceeds to punch the air for 17 straight minutes*
Me: Vin, you just wrote "Me (Vin) Ponch robots. Ponch. I ponch. A ponch" or something very similar on every single page.
Vin: Ponch! I ponch the bot! Ponch!
*he proceeds to punch the air for 17 straight minutes*
December 4, 2025 at 4:30 PM
*flipping through the 300-page script*
Me: Vin, you just wrote "Me (Vin) Ponch robots. Ponch. I ponch. A ponch" or something very similar on every single page.
Vin: Ponch! I ponch the bot! Ponch!
*he proceeds to punch the air for 17 straight minutes*
Me: Vin, you just wrote "Me (Vin) Ponch robots. Ponch. I ponch. A ponch" or something very similar on every single page.
Vin: Ponch! I ponch the bot! Ponch!
*he proceeds to punch the air for 17 straight minutes*
*spreads my arms to block you as I gently step us back*
It's OK, everyone. Just give him your pockets. No one's getting eaten by Crazed Santa today...
It's OK, everyone. Just give him your pockets. No one's getting eaten by Crazed Santa today...
From America, Dec 1972: Pocket Instamatic camera ad from Kodak
(+Color Film)
«Give the Pocket.»
(+Color Film)
«Give the Pocket.»
December 4, 2025 at 4:06 PM
*spreads my arms to block you as I gently step us back*
It's OK, everyone. Just give him your pockets. No one's getting eaten by Crazed Santa today...
It's OK, everyone. Just give him your pockets. No one's getting eaten by Crazed Santa today...
Have you tried rubbing the weird little bald spot above your eyes against it about it?
- cats
- cats
December 4, 2025 at 3:31 PM
Have you tried rubbing the weird little bald spot above your eyes against it about it?
- cats
- cats
50% of Bluesky: Spotify runs ads for ICE and the CEO said to fuck yourself if you don't like it and they rake in massive profit while giving fractions of pennies to artists!
50% of Bluesky: My listening age is 80!
50% of Bluesky: My listening age is 80!
December 4, 2025 at 2:54 PM
50% of Bluesky: Spotify runs ads for ICE and the CEO said to fuck yourself if you don't like it and they rake in massive profit while giving fractions of pennies to artists!
50% of Bluesky: My listening age is 80!
50% of Bluesky: My listening age is 80!
*Marker clocks out on a Friday night*
Marker: see you next week, Hank!
Hank the Security Guard: please, Laurie, for the love of God, stop. You don't work here. No one asked for this!
Marker: *smiling* No one ever asks a hero to step up, Hank. They just know. Say hi to Carol & the kids.
Marker: see you next week, Hank!
Hank the Security Guard: please, Laurie, for the love of God, stop. You don't work here. No one asked for this!
Marker: *smiling* No one ever asks a hero to step up, Hank. They just know. Say hi to Carol & the kids.
American zoologist Laurie Marker has been collecting and storing specimens in a cheetah sperm bank in Namibia for 35 years, hoping conservationists never have to use them.
How a sperm bank for cheetahs might one day save the fastest land animal
American zoologist Laurie Marker has been collecting and storing specimens in a cheetah sperm bank in Namibia for 35 years, hoping conservationists never have to use them.
bit.ly
December 4, 2025 at 2:16 PM
*Marker clocks out on a Friday night*
Marker: see you next week, Hank!
Hank the Security Guard: please, Laurie, for the love of God, stop. You don't work here. No one asked for this!
Marker: *smiling* No one ever asks a hero to step up, Hank. They just know. Say hi to Carol & the kids.
Marker: see you next week, Hank!
Hank the Security Guard: please, Laurie, for the love of God, stop. You don't work here. No one asked for this!
Marker: *smiling* No one ever asks a hero to step up, Hank. They just know. Say hi to Carol & the kids.
Reposted by Ian Swans a-Swimmin'
Just because he hasn’t harassed you doesn’t make you safe it makes you a probable target
They count on our silence
It’s enough of the boys being boys excuses
We are women
And we will not be silenced any longer
to appease men who prey upon us
Speak out in your power to protect other sisters
❤️love
They count on our silence
It’s enough of the boys being boys excuses
We are women
And we will not be silenced any longer
to appease men who prey upon us
Speak out in your power to protect other sisters
❤️love
December 4, 2025 at 1:52 AM
Just because he hasn’t harassed you doesn’t make you safe it makes you a probable target
They count on our silence
It’s enough of the boys being boys excuses
We are women
And we will not be silenced any longer
to appease men who prey upon us
Speak out in your power to protect other sisters
❤️love
They count on our silence
It’s enough of the boys being boys excuses
We are women
And we will not be silenced any longer
to appease men who prey upon us
Speak out in your power to protect other sisters
❤️love
With your help, my books Werecage or Do Velociraptors Dream of Alternative Rock could outsell Olivia Nuzzi's book this month. Please help me do a funny.
You can buy my books on all kinds of sites that in no way enrich Jeff Bezos, if you want to. Click the link and find all 4 of my self published novels at over a dozen different vendors! Woo!
books2read.com/ap/xdXkEP/Ia...
books2read.com/ap/xdXkEP/Ia...
December 4, 2025 at 3:49 AM
With your help, my books Werecage or Do Velociraptors Dream of Alternative Rock could outsell Olivia Nuzzi's book this month. Please help me do a funny.
Fergus is a winter wonder dog
December 4, 2025 at 12:53 AM
Fergus is a winter wonder dog
Fergus and Kitten are putting on a stage version of the Human Centipede.
December 3, 2025 at 9:53 PM
Fergus and Kitten are putting on a stage version of the Human Centipede.
Peanut Butter Boppers, which really existed in the 80s and are now on Stranger Things 5, can be purchased online through a PR tie in from Nature Valley. They ain't cheap but you can get one box (and only one) for about $20.
sreppob.com/products/bop...
sreppob.com/products/bop...
Peanut Butter Boppers
Peanut Butter Boppers is back! That’s right, Peanut Butter’s gone Boppers, again. Only a lucky few will get to taste this blast from the past. See below for more details. AVAILABLE NOW!
sreppob.com
December 3, 2025 at 8:11 PM
Peanut Butter Boppers, which really existed in the 80s and are now on Stranger Things 5, can be purchased online through a PR tie in from Nature Valley. They ain't cheap but you can get one box (and only one) for about $20.
sreppob.com/products/bop...
sreppob.com/products/bop...
2026 will mark the 8 year anniversary of my novel Jerry the Scary Dead Clown and Harry Houdini Save the World.
Oh, you haven't read that one? No, no you haven't. Been trying to get it published for that long.
Oh, you haven't read that one? No, no you haven't. Been trying to get it published for that long.
December 3, 2025 at 7:19 PM
2026 will mark the 8 year anniversary of my novel Jerry the Scary Dead Clown and Harry Houdini Save the World.
Oh, you haven't read that one? No, no you haven't. Been trying to get it published for that long.
Oh, you haven't read that one? No, no you haven't. Been trying to get it published for that long.
Reposted by Ian Swans a-Swimmin'
My Temu order is held up in Customs and I may have to tell Fergus that Christmas is cancelled.
December 3, 2025 at 6:32 PM
My Temu order is held up in Customs and I may have to tell Fergus that Christmas is cancelled.
My recap says I listened to just over 32,800 minutes of music this year and for some reason Die Antwoord was the band I listened to the most at 1,179 minutes. That's almost a day. I wasted like... April 6th, listening to Die Antwoord.
December 3, 2025 at 6:11 PM
My recap says I listened to just over 32,800 minutes of music this year and for some reason Die Antwoord was the band I listened to the most at 1,179 minutes. That's almost a day. I wasted like... April 6th, listening to Die Antwoord.
A horse walks onto a bar...
Half of these replies: this is a helath hazard. Horses could have parasites and bacteria. Plus, what if he slips? What if some drunk scares him and causes horse trauma? This horse could be scarred for life. The SPCA should be called on this bar.
Half of these replies: this is a helath hazard. Horses could have parasites and bacteria. Plus, what if he slips? What if some drunk scares him and causes horse trauma? This horse could be scarred for life. The SPCA should be called on this bar.
If you get robbed in our parking garage don’t blame us. You should have left with less money
December 3, 2025 at 5:36 PM
A horse walks onto a bar...
Half of these replies: this is a helath hazard. Horses could have parasites and bacteria. Plus, what if he slips? What if some drunk scares him and causes horse trauma? This horse could be scarred for life. The SPCA should be called on this bar.
Half of these replies: this is a helath hazard. Horses could have parasites and bacteria. Plus, what if he slips? What if some drunk scares him and causes horse trauma? This horse could be scarred for life. The SPCA should be called on this bar.
Just looking at my cable and internet bill this month and I see that I can upgrade to a package which gives me twice as fast internet plus Apple TV and Netflix, which I pay for separately, for $50 less than what I pay now. Thanks for never mentioning that, cable company.
December 3, 2025 at 5:32 PM
Just looking at my cable and internet bill this month and I see that I can upgrade to a package which gives me twice as fast internet plus Apple TV and Netflix, which I pay for separately, for $50 less than what I pay now. Thanks for never mentioning that, cable company.
*reading my Kitchen Nightmares appearance contract*
Me: So my restaurant gets a full makeover & I have to agree to let Gordon Ramsay call me a..."fucking nonce" & "a shit-lemur with donkey brains" & "a bombastic twat with no business making toast let alone whole meals?"
Producer: Yep!
Me: OK.
Me: So my restaurant gets a full makeover & I have to agree to let Gordon Ramsay call me a..."fucking nonce" & "a shit-lemur with donkey brains" & "a bombastic twat with no business making toast let alone whole meals?"
Producer: Yep!
Me: OK.
December 3, 2025 at 5:15 PM
*reading my Kitchen Nightmares appearance contract*
Me: So my restaurant gets a full makeover & I have to agree to let Gordon Ramsay call me a..."fucking nonce" & "a shit-lemur with donkey brains" & "a bombastic twat with no business making toast let alone whole meals?"
Producer: Yep!
Me: OK.
Me: So my restaurant gets a full makeover & I have to agree to let Gordon Ramsay call me a..."fucking nonce" & "a shit-lemur with donkey brains" & "a bombastic twat with no business making toast let alone whole meals?"
Producer: Yep!
Me: OK.
I like when people specify "ice" hockey, so I can get it out of my head that maybe we're discussing field hockey or road hockey or toilet hockey or whatever.
December 3, 2025 at 4:54 PM
I like when people specify "ice" hockey, so I can get it out of my head that maybe we're discussing field hockey or road hockey or toilet hockey or whatever.
People might tell you that P2 is a Christmas horror movie and while it does take place at Christmas it's worth being forewarned that this movie also sucks ass.
December 3, 2025 at 4:17 PM
People might tell you that P2 is a Christmas horror movie and while it does take place at Christmas it's worth being forewarned that this movie also sucks ass.