Ian Swans a-Swimmin'
@ianfortey.bsky.social
🍁NY Times & Amazon best-selling horror and comedy writer. Taco supporter & food writer. Author of WereCage & a book about Eve6. Bon vivant and lustrous man about town.
Here's my books, you beautiful buggers - https://books2read.com/b/werecage
Here's my books, you beautiful buggers - https://books2read.com/b/werecage
Imagine if the only thing you were truly skilled at was being Olympic-level gross.
Trump on Karoline Leavitt: "That beautiful face and those lips that don't stop like a little machine gun"
December 10, 2025 at 12:42 AM
Imagine if the only thing you were truly skilled at was being Olympic-level gross.
I hope at some point during the filming of The Shining, Shelly Duvall called Stanley Kubrick Stanley Shitbrick.
December 9, 2025 at 10:06 PM
I hope at some point during the filming of The Shining, Shelly Duvall called Stanley Kubrick Stanley Shitbrick.
My dog won’t listen after he saw me….#funnysong #datinglife #dogs
YouTube video by LEWKY
youtube.com
December 9, 2025 at 9:14 PM
Tacos are not even food. "Talk? Oh!" It's a surprising kind of speech, like you might discover from a parrot or an unusual bit of flatulence that sounds like a question. I got my Master's degree from my mother at Best Boy University. I graduated Best Boy. Did you??
Nazis were not fascist. Fascism was used by Mussolini not hitler
December 9, 2025 at 9:05 PM
Tacos are not even food. "Talk? Oh!" It's a surprising kind of speech, like you might discover from a parrot or an unusual bit of flatulence that sounds like a question. I got my Master's degree from my mother at Best Boy University. I graduated Best Boy. Did you??
If I directed Hallmark movies I would always put things in the background that are horrifying for anyone who pays attention to them. Like maybe in a crowded party scene, there's a guy in the back just processing human arms. Or maybe a blood-soaked clown on top of a roof across the street.
December 9, 2025 at 8:03 PM
If I directed Hallmark movies I would always put things in the background that are horrifying for anyone who pays attention to them. Like maybe in a crowded party scene, there's a guy in the back just processing human arms. Or maybe a blood-soaked clown on top of a roof across the street.
You ever think about how in the Transformers cartoon the Dinobots were intentionally made stupid? Like, the Autobots create living things intentionally, these are sentient beings, & they made them dumb on purpose and then basically tried to shit can them because they were dangerous as a result.
December 9, 2025 at 7:47 PM
You ever think about how in the Transformers cartoon the Dinobots were intentionally made stupid? Like, the Autobots create living things intentionally, these are sentient beings, & they made them dumb on purpose and then basically tried to shit can them because they were dangerous as a result.
When you eat something suspect and your stomach starts rumbling, that's turdulence.
December 9, 2025 at 7:06 PM
When you eat something suspect and your stomach starts rumbling, that's turdulence.
I can't believe my Auschwitz cake was butter pecan. My birthday is ruined.
December 9, 2025 at 6:14 PM
I can't believe my Auschwitz cake was butter pecan. My birthday is ruined.
I had 3 bunnies in the yard last night & some squirrels this morning so, in addition to the usual seed I put out, I made some emergency peanut butter sandwiches. I keep buying this natural peanut butter which I don't really care for, then I make a sandwich, cut it into 16 squares & toss it out back
December 9, 2025 at 6:09 PM
I had 3 bunnies in the yard last night & some squirrels this morning so, in addition to the usual seed I put out, I made some emergency peanut butter sandwiches. I keep buying this natural peanut butter which I don't really care for, then I make a sandwich, cut it into 16 squares & toss it out back
Nope. Didn't see that coming.
I can’t emphasize enough how much you need to watch this until the end
December 9, 2025 at 5:58 PM
Nope. Didn't see that coming.
Super tempted to write a dystopian horror novel where a corrupt future world punishes people by forcing them to undergo the Fallon Procedure which makes you not just look like Jimmy Fallon but think like him. An existential prison for those deemed enemies of the state.
December 9, 2025 at 5:51 PM
Super tempted to write a dystopian horror novel where a corrupt future world punishes people by forcing them to undergo the Fallon Procedure which makes you not just look like Jimmy Fallon but think like him. An existential prison for those deemed enemies of the state.
Using science and fel magicks to resurrect Johnny Carson so he can punch Jimmy Fallon in the belly so hard he pukes.
December 9, 2025 at 5:45 PM
Using science and fel magicks to resurrect Johnny Carson so he can punch Jimmy Fallon in the belly so hard he pukes.
There have been some scientific studies into the liquid, which most people agree is just condensation, but one of them described it as tasteless. Meaning some scientists drank the corpse water and then gave his opinion on it.
The bones of Santa have been leaking liquid for 1,700 years.
December 9, 2025 at 5:03 PM
There have been some scientific studies into the liquid, which most people agree is just condensation, but one of them described it as tasteless. Meaning some scientists drank the corpse water and then gave his opinion on it.
Well there's your problem. Don't train your dog to tie itself to a fence 2,000 miles away. That's simple.
"No one knows how Choco got to Michigan, but his family is just happy and grateful to have him back."
Dog reunited with family nearly 5 years after he disappeared, found more than 2,000 miles away
A little dog named Choco has been reunited with his family. Choco was found tied to a fence more than 2,000 miles from his home.
abc7chicago.com
December 9, 2025 at 4:55 PM
Well there's your problem. Don't train your dog to tie itself to a fence 2,000 miles away. That's simple.
On the one hand it makes sense to be upset about Jimmy Fallon platforming the CEO of Openai and selling ChatGPT's ability to help raise a baby to The Tonight Show audience. On the other hand, how many Jimmy Fallon fans can even find the right hole in order to breed?
December 9, 2025 at 4:50 PM
On the one hand it makes sense to be upset about Jimmy Fallon platforming the CEO of Openai and selling ChatGPT's ability to help raise a baby to The Tonight Show audience. On the other hand, how many Jimmy Fallon fans can even find the right hole in order to breed?
I can just picture Sam Altman, sitting in a pile of his own shit for hours, typing away on his phone to ChatGPT.
Sam: Why am I covered in shit?
ChatGPT: It's possible you have shit yourself.
Sam: No, I think I'd know if I shitted myself. Let's keep working on this for 5 hours.
Sam: Why am I covered in shit?
ChatGPT: It's possible you have shit yourself.
Sam: No, I think I'd know if I shitted myself. Let's keep working on this for 5 hours.
December 9, 2025 at 4:44 PM
I can just picture Sam Altman, sitting in a pile of his own shit for hours, typing away on his phone to ChatGPT.
Sam: Why am I covered in shit?
ChatGPT: It's possible you have shit yourself.
Sam: No, I think I'd know if I shitted myself. Let's keep working on this for 5 hours.
Sam: Why am I covered in shit?
ChatGPT: It's possible you have shit yourself.
Sam: No, I think I'd know if I shitted myself. Let's keep working on this for 5 hours.
Keep seeing folks disappointed in Sylvester Stallone. Good people of Bluesky, I implore you to look into the man's 6 decade history of being a massive sack of shit. Stallone has only ever been a good man by accident, as near as I can tell. He's a hateful, egotistical maniac by many, many accounts.
December 9, 2025 at 4:04 PM
Keep seeing folks disappointed in Sylvester Stallone. Good people of Bluesky, I implore you to look into the man's 6 decade history of being a massive sack of shit. Stallone has only ever been a good man by accident, as near as I can tell. He's a hateful, egotistical maniac by many, many accounts.
You can fit about a 75%-scaled Kelsey Grammer face on a Kelsey Grammer forehead.
December 9, 2025 at 3:53 PM
You can fit about a 75%-scaled Kelsey Grammer face on a Kelsey Grammer forehead.
Jimmy Fallon is the hardest working man in sgowbiz, at least in terms of working hard to come up with new and exciting ways for me to fucking hate this little pinheaded shitlet.
Jimmy Fallon: "And do you use ChatGPT when raising your baby?"
Sam Altman: "I cannot imagine figuring out how to raise a newborn without ChatGPT."
Sam Altman: "I cannot imagine figuring out how to raise a newborn without ChatGPT."
December 9, 2025 at 3:32 PM
Jimmy Fallon is the hardest working man in sgowbiz, at least in terms of working hard to come up with new and exciting ways for me to fucking hate this little pinheaded shitlet.
Remember that numbskull from Tiger King who got their arm eaten off by a tiger? Or that guy who used to have a bear who got mauled to death by his bear? Or that guy who went to visit his pet chimp & a couple other chimps ate most of his face & his genitals & his hands off? No reason, just curious.
just watched a few dozen videos from the TikTok account of the people who own a caracal cat which very clearly should not be a pet and wants to kill them (every video is like this)
December 9, 2025 at 1:47 PM
Remember that numbskull from Tiger King who got their arm eaten off by a tiger? Or that guy who used to have a bear who got mauled to death by his bear? Or that guy who went to visit his pet chimp & a couple other chimps ate most of his face & his genitals & his hands off? No reason, just curious.
I would make a great class president because I promise to put two new pop machines in the cafeteria, and I'm also gonna get a glitter Bonne Bell dispenser for all the girls' bathrooms. Oh, and we're gonna get new cheerleading uniforms. So, who wants to eat chiminichangas next year? Not me.
Duffy on what he's doing to improve the airport experience for travelers: "Maybe I want a workout area where people might get some blood flowing doing some pull ups or step ups in the airport."
December 9, 2025 at 1:08 PM
I would make a great class president because I promise to put two new pop machines in the cafeteria, and I'm also gonna get a glitter Bonne Bell dispenser for all the girls' bathrooms. Oh, and we're gonna get new cheerleading uniforms. So, who wants to eat chiminichangas next year? Not me.
I just saw a commercial for a clothing store and this dude needs an outfit for his sister's birthday because it has a dress code and there's no cake. Listen, I'm not going to your party if there's both a dress code and no cake. I could just congratulate you over email on living for another year.
December 9, 2025 at 6:45 AM
I just saw a commercial for a clothing store and this dude needs an outfit for his sister's birthday because it has a dress code and there's no cake. Listen, I'm not going to your party if there's both a dress code and no cake. I could just congratulate you over email on living for another year.
If Peter Jackson wanted to make the Lord of the Rings again, just with a new cast, maybe expand the story and include the goofy shit like Tom Bombadil, stretch that shit to four or five movies, I don't give a fuck, I'll watch it. I would love that.
December 9, 2025 at 6:14 AM
If Peter Jackson wanted to make the Lord of the Rings again, just with a new cast, maybe expand the story and include the goofy shit like Tom Bombadil, stretch that shit to four or five movies, I don't give a fuck, I'll watch it. I would love that.
I'm about a decade late but I finally watched the Fargo TV show. I've only seen season 1, but that was some good fucking tv. Bilbo is an asshole.
December 9, 2025 at 5:46 AM
I'm about a decade late but I finally watched the Fargo TV show. I've only seen season 1, but that was some good fucking tv. Bilbo is an asshole.
Reminds me of a turtle trying to flip over. Just flippity jibbing about all holus bolus and accomplishing nothing.
December 9, 2025 at 2:39 AM
Reminds me of a turtle trying to flip over. Just flippity jibbing about all holus bolus and accomplishing nothing.