Ian Swans a-Swimmin'
@ianfortey.bsky.social
🍁NY Times & Amazon best-selling horror and comedy writer. Taco supporter & food writer. Author of WereCage & a book about Eve6. Bon vivant and lustrous man about town.
Here's my books, you beautiful buggers - https://books2read.com/b/werecage
Here's my books, you beautiful buggers - https://books2read.com/b/werecage
The best scene in Speed is when the bus jumps a 50 ft gap at 68 mph and it proceeds like nothing happened, because at one time I was driving at about 35 mph down a road in my Altima and I hit a pothole that blew out two of my tires.
December 8, 2025 at 2:40 AM
The best scene in Speed is when the bus jumps a 50 ft gap at 68 mph and it proceeds like nothing happened, because at one time I was driving at about 35 mph down a road in my Altima and I hit a pothole that blew out two of my tires.
If i was in the movie Speed I simply would have turned the bomb off.
December 8, 2025 at 1:49 AM
If i was in the movie Speed I simply would have turned the bomb off.
In Die Hard, John McClane saves an office building. An airport in part 2. New York in part 3. America in part 4, and let's assume most of Europe from nuclear war in part 5. Despite this, people constantly call him a screw-up in the latter three films. He is literally the greatest hero in the world.
December 8, 2025 at 12:30 AM
In Die Hard, John McClane saves an office building. An airport in part 2. New York in part 3. America in part 4, and let's assume most of Europe from nuclear war in part 5. Despite this, people constantly call him a screw-up in the latter three films. He is literally the greatest hero in the world.
Fergus has received an upgrade. Should have cast him in Tron instead of Jared Leto.
December 7, 2025 at 11:28 PM
Fergus has received an upgrade. Should have cast him in Tron instead of Jared Leto.
Even though Die Hard is the true Christmas movie, you can still treat yourself to Die Hard 4. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Like when McClane launches a car into a helicopter somehow. Or Kevin Smith using generators to stay online when power everywhere else is down. McClane vs parkour!
December 7, 2025 at 10:04 PM
Even though Die Hard is the true Christmas movie, you can still treat yourself to Die Hard 4. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Like when McClane launches a car into a helicopter somehow. Or Kevin Smith using generators to stay online when power everywhere else is down. McClane vs parkour!
When you've clearly had work done
December 7, 2025 at 7:33 PM
When you've clearly had work done
Probably one of the worst parts about being a Godzilla is when you go to the closet to get your favorite sweater and it's full of Mothras.
December 7, 2025 at 7:13 PM
Probably one of the worst parts about being a Godzilla is when you go to the closet to get your favorite sweater and it's full of Mothras.
You think someone who's been cheerleading mass deportations, the murders of Venezuelan fisherman, any of the horrible atrocities we've all seen over the past year is going to see an AI video of a cop shit talking ICE & suddenly have a moment of clarity? Which one of us is speculating too much?
No one is giving anyone "false hope" that anything is changing. This is the behavior people want to happen. It doesn't mean it's actually happening.
If someone on the far right believes it, then it may open someone's eyes to their own hateful behaviors.
I think you guys are speculating too much!
If someone on the far right believes it, then it may open someone's eyes to their own hateful behaviors.
I think you guys are speculating too much!
December 7, 2025 at 6:54 PM
You think someone who's been cheerleading mass deportations, the murders of Venezuelan fisherman, any of the horrible atrocities we've all seen over the past year is going to see an AI video of a cop shit talking ICE & suddenly have a moment of clarity? Which one of us is speculating too much?
From the get-go this officer's shoulder patch is gibberish so you can tell it's AI. This is the same technology that is convinced dozens of people to commit suicide. That plagiarizes artists. That wastes tons of electricity. That pollutes, that manipulates, that lies. We don't need more of this.
December 7, 2025 at 6:48 PM
From the get-go this officer's shoulder patch is gibberish so you can tell it's AI. This is the same technology that is convinced dozens of people to commit suicide. That plagiarizes artists. That wastes tons of electricity. That pollutes, that manipulates, that lies. We don't need more of this.
Sometimes when I walk my dog in the cold we have to shorten the walk considerably because his wee feet can't handle that much cold, and I wonder how well he understands the reason. Fergus would walk for hours if he could, I think. He would walk to exhaustion, he has no understanding of enough...
December 7, 2025 at 6:13 PM
Sometimes when I walk my dog in the cold we have to shorten the walk considerably because his wee feet can't handle that much cold, and I wonder how well he understands the reason. Fergus would walk for hours if he could, I think. He would walk to exhaustion, he has no understanding of enough...
Only Burgers in the Building is my podcast where I invite Steve Martin, Selena Gomez, and Martin Short to come and eat burgers we find in my house but 134 episodes in it's mostly just been me eating burgers alone.
December 7, 2025 at 5:58 PM
Only Burgers in the Building is my podcast where I invite Steve Martin, Selena Gomez, and Martin Short to come and eat burgers we find in my house but 134 episodes in it's mostly just been me eating burgers alone.
Give Marla a hand if you can. Season of giving and such!
Hi ♥️
I need 155 by end of day for rent. It's the last day my motel is giving me. I lost access to an app i use for work. Please help/reskeet if you can.
#MutualAid #MutualAidRequest #TransCrowdfund #HelpSky
www.paypal.me/marlahsmith
Venmo: @Marla-Smith-79
cash.app/$marlahsmith
I need 155 by end of day for rent. It's the last day my motel is giving me. I lost access to an app i use for work. Please help/reskeet if you can.
#MutualAid #MutualAidRequest #TransCrowdfund #HelpSky
www.paypal.me/marlahsmith
Venmo: @Marla-Smith-79
cash.app/$marlahsmith
December 7, 2025 at 5:46 PM
Give Marla a hand if you can. Season of giving and such!
*checks my previous 21,900 skeets*
Mmm hmm, they're all great.
Mmm hmm, they're all great.
December 7, 2025 at 5:43 PM
*checks my previous 21,900 skeets*
Mmm hmm, they're all great.
Mmm hmm, they're all great.
Gordon Lightfoot looked to the side of the stage, sweat beading on his brow. The Gerald Fitzedmund cocked its pistol and mouthed the words "keep singing." It was then that Lightfoot knew he would never escape the song and the lie it perpetuated about what happened that day on the lake.
December 7, 2025 at 5:41 PM
Gordon Lightfoot looked to the side of the stage, sweat beading on his brow. The Gerald Fitzedmund cocked its pistol and mouthed the words "keep singing." It was then that Lightfoot knew he would never escape the song and the lie it perpetuated about what happened that day on the lake.
Quentin Tarantino: If you've ever seen Eric Falberg's 1974 classis "The Gun Runners" you know this technique for exposing the film just enough to create this almost sandpapery texture he used over all the shots of the villain, Papa Dumas.
Me: Mmm, yes. Have you seen Ghoulies Go to College? Classic.
Me: Mmm, yes. Have you seen Ghoulies Go to College? Classic.
December 7, 2025 at 5:12 PM
Quentin Tarantino: If you've ever seen Eric Falberg's 1974 classis "The Gun Runners" you know this technique for exposing the film just enough to create this almost sandpapery texture he used over all the shots of the villain, Papa Dumas.
Me: Mmm, yes. Have you seen Ghoulies Go to College? Classic.
Me: Mmm, yes. Have you seen Ghoulies Go to College? Classic.
The Northern Ontario Senior Hockey Organization (NOSHO), has just awarded me their first annual Prize for Greatness in Literature and Manliness.
December 7, 2025 at 5:08 PM
The Northern Ontario Senior Hockey Organization (NOSHO), has just awarded me their first annual Prize for Greatness in Literature and Manliness.
Fuck!
*clap*
This!
*clap*
Fuck!
*clap clap, clap*
This!
*clap*
Fuuuuuck
*clap clap*
All this!
*clap clap, clap*
Fuck this!
*clap clap clap clap clap*
*clap*
This!
*clap*
Fuck!
*clap clap, clap*
This!
*clap*
Fuuuuuck
*clap clap*
All this!
*clap clap, clap*
Fuck this!
*clap clap clap clap clap*
December 7, 2025 at 4:52 PM
Fuck!
*clap*
This!
*clap*
Fuck!
*clap clap, clap*
This!
*clap*
Fuuuuuck
*clap clap*
All this!
*clap clap, clap*
Fuck this!
*clap clap clap clap clap*
*clap*
This!
*clap*
Fuck!
*clap clap, clap*
This!
*clap*
Fuuuuuck
*clap clap*
All this!
*clap clap, clap*
Fuck this!
*clap clap clap clap clap*
*Santa Claus sneaks down the chimney, ready to make out with my mother and eat my snacks, but I am ready*
"Samtsirhc!" I yell.
Santa Claus shudders at the ancient curse and then flips inside out, leaving not but a pile of cookies, bells, and elven behavioral-control devices where he once stood.
"Samtsirhc!" I yell.
Santa Claus shudders at the ancient curse and then flips inside out, leaving not but a pile of cookies, bells, and elven behavioral-control devices where he once stood.
December 7, 2025 at 4:01 PM
*Santa Claus sneaks down the chimney, ready to make out with my mother and eat my snacks, but I am ready*
"Samtsirhc!" I yell.
Santa Claus shudders at the ancient curse and then flips inside out, leaving not but a pile of cookies, bells, and elven behavioral-control devices where he once stood.
"Samtsirhc!" I yell.
Santa Claus shudders at the ancient curse and then flips inside out, leaving not but a pile of cookies, bells, and elven behavioral-control devices where he once stood.
Some folks defend AI videos, like the anti-ICE videos, by saying the idea is good. The sentiment is why it's worth sharing. The ends justify the means. Makes me think of a story I heard about a guy who jerked off in the gravy at KFC. Customers still got what they wanted in the end, right?
December 7, 2025 at 2:31 PM
Some folks defend AI videos, like the anti-ICE videos, by saying the idea is good. The sentiment is why it's worth sharing. The ends justify the means. Makes me think of a story I heard about a guy who jerked off in the gravy at KFC. Customers still got what they wanted in the end, right?
I like that this person's bio says they fight fascism and they used to teach rhetoric and someone has pointed out extremely thoroughly how a video they shared is AI and all they can do is disable comments and quotes and repeat over and over again that it's real. Awesome critical thinking skills.
December 7, 2025 at 2:25 PM
I like that this person's bio says they fight fascism and they used to teach rhetoric and someone has pointed out extremely thoroughly how a video they shared is AI and all they can do is disable comments and quotes and repeat over and over again that it's real. Awesome critical thinking skills.
People say crazy shit on the Bluesky.
December 7, 2025 at 3:52 AM
People say crazy shit on the Bluesky.
Aaaaaaaaaagggghhhh!
December 7, 2025 at 3:36 AM
Aaaaaaaaaagggghhhh!
Fergus and I just had to help the drunkest man i have ever seen at 5:30 back into his house. My guy fell over 5 times in 3 steps and then gave up next to his own compost waste. Smelled like a ramshackle distillery and could not keep his head level for a second.
December 6, 2025 at 10:40 PM
Fergus and I just had to help the drunkest man i have ever seen at 5:30 back into his house. My guy fell over 5 times in 3 steps and then gave up next to his own compost waste. Smelled like a ramshackle distillery and could not keep his head level for a second.
As an actor it woukd suck to have a great director like Tarantino shit talk you for no reason. That said, as an actor, you could lace into the preposterously substandard actor Tarantino & suggest dude can't act to save his life so maybe he should temper his commentary since he's ironically no expert
Matthew Lillard has responded to Quentin Tarantino’s comments, where the director said he didn’t like him. ‘It’s humbling, and it hurts,” Lillard shared.
Matthew Lillard Felt ‘Hurt’ by Quentin Tarantino’s Criticism
Matthew Lillard has responded to Quentin Tarantino’s comments, where the director said he didn’t like him. ‘It’s humbling, and it hurts,” Lillard shared.
www.vulture.com
December 6, 2025 at 9:51 PM
As an actor it woukd suck to have a great director like Tarantino shit talk you for no reason. That said, as an actor, you could lace into the preposterously substandard actor Tarantino & suggest dude can't act to save his life so maybe he should temper his commentary since he's ironically no expert
This took me longer to do than I expected and for the last one I had to resort to Googling '90s bands and just looking through the list until a name popped out that made sense
December 6, 2025 at 7:43 PM
This took me longer to do than I expected and for the last one I had to resort to Googling '90s bands and just looking through the list until a name popped out that made sense