Ian Swans a-Swimmin'
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ianfortey.bsky.social
Ian Swans a-Swimmin'
@ianfortey.bsky.social
6.9K followers 1.6K following 22K posts
🍁NY Times & Amazon best-selling horror and comedy writer. Taco supporter & food writer. Author of WereCage & a book about Eve6. Bon vivant and lustrous man about town.

Here's my books, you beautiful buggers - https://books2read.com/b/werecage
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ianfortey.bsky.social
When you've clearly had work done
Sylvester Stallone with giant, ominous arched eyebrows Paul Stanley with giant, ominous arched eyebrows A little Shih Tzu with giant, ominous arched eyebrows
December 7, 2025 at 7:33 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
Quentin Tarantino: If you've ever seen Eric Falberg's 1974 classis "The Gun Runners" you know this technique for exposing the film just enough to create this almost sandpapery texture he used over all the shots of the villain, Papa Dumas.

Me: Mmm, yes. Have you seen Ghoulies Go to College? Classic.
The poster for Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies go to college featuring three Ghoulies in those little graduation caps in a toilet with the text out of the bowl and totally out of control.
December 7, 2025 at 5:12 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
People say crazy shit on the Bluesky.
Someone claiming thr best Tarantino film.is worse than the worst Shyamalan film.
December 7, 2025 at 3:52 AM
ianfortey.bsky.social
Still unsure what to get me for Christmas this year?
A model Wearing pink boxer briefs
December 6, 2025 at 7:03 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
I'll tell you what, I should have seen that coming. Swallowed those Kisses right up.
Tree of baked brownies that looks like a dying and I rolled the number five because only five marshmallows are apparent. The kisses sank.
December 6, 2025 at 5:06 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
Who's got that double boiler melted chocolate going??
Partially melted chocolate in a glass mixing bowl or a pot with an orange spatula in it
December 6, 2025 at 4:44 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
Half assedly Christmas it up by putting the rest of the batter in and then alternating between Hershey's Hugs peppermint Kisses and mini marshmallows. Festive as hell!
The glass pan of brownie batter with three rows of three toppings alternating between marshmallows and red and white stripe Hershey's Kisses
December 6, 2025 at 4:20 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
Add some white chocolate melts in the middle of each one.
The glass baking dish full of brownie mix with 3x3 rows of white chocolate circles separating them into nine portion
December 6, 2025 at 4:20 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
Next up, brownies! Fill the pan half way!
Glass baking dish with brownie batter in it.
December 6, 2025 at 4:20 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
To the fridge!
A tray of peanut butter marshmallow haystacks
December 6, 2025 at 4:01 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
Let the making of the peanut butter marshmallow haystacks commence!
Two packs of marshmallows, a tub of peanut butter, some butter scotch chips, and a bag of Chow Mein noodles on my counter
December 6, 2025 at 3:43 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
I truly believe Vin Diesel thinks like this and would actually say this out loud to people. I believe, genetically, Vin Diesel is 50% donut.
An image of Vin Diesel in front of some Rock'em sock'em robots on his Instagram. The man, or at least someone on his behalf, wrote always been a Mattel fan, but watching them evolve into a cinematic reinforce has been inspiring. Their commitment to storytelling and culturally back makes this partnership special. Excited to bring this childhood classic to Modern audiences with a story that examines competition in a world measured by strength, it reveals compassion as the truest power. Hats off to Mattel this is going to be a fun one. Let's Crush this. I didn't make any of that up.
December 6, 2025 at 3:01 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
The lighting is poor but I assure you this is Santa Claus.
A small black dog in a Santa Claus outfit
December 6, 2025 at 3:21 AM
ianfortey.bsky.social
Kitten has a wee booger issue tonight.
Orange and white cat with a runny nose Front view of an orange and white cat with a runny nose
December 6, 2025 at 2:42 AM
ianfortey.bsky.social
Oh no.
Trump's neckgina Wider view of the neckussy
December 6, 2025 at 12:53 AM
ianfortey.bsky.social
You may be tempted to ask why I would do such a thing but remember, I bought an entire fir tree for my cats. It's all smoke and mirrors for Christmas over here. I bought spatulas, too!
A blue, lime green, and orange spatula in a three pack that cost me $3! What about you
December 5, 2025 at 11:53 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
I bought a bowl to put candy in and then the worst Christmas candy I could find to ensure it stays decorative. No chance I'll be tempted to eat this stuff. Maybe the peppermint patties.
A bowl of weird, hard Christmas candy on my strange snow themed tablecloth
December 5, 2025 at 11:50 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
What in the fuck is the FIFA Peace Prize? This is like that fucking episode of The Twilight Zone where you can't think bad thoughts or this silly tit will shoot you in the cornfield. Oh no, here's a soccer peace prize and you're the big winner! Suck on your bottle, you chumpy fuck ass baby.
The oafish American president putting on a stupid medal some bald fuckhead made up to give to his dumb ass so he can feel like a special boy.
December 5, 2025 at 5:47 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
Still not sure how these are from two unrelated films.
Troll from Troll 2 Trollhunter troll
December 5, 2025 at 5:41 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
I come from the land of the ice and snow.
The full moon behind the clouds, partially reflected off of a semi frozen pond surrounded by trees at night
December 5, 2025 at 12:53 AM
ianfortey.bsky.social
Sir, have you been drinking?
An email for Microsoft 365 personal that says the subscription price will increase from $79 Canadian per year to $115 Canadian per year. As if I needed a reason to stop using Microsoft
December 4, 2025 at 10:12 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
Romulandale
Dawson's Quadrant
One Trek Hill
Pretty Little Tribbles
My So-Called Starship
Gossip Gorn
The NCC-1701-OC
Veronica Mars Base
Degrassi: The Next Next Generation
13 Reasons Why (the warp core is malfunctioning)
horrifying promo image for starfleet academt featuring a group of 20-somehtings all laying in a grassy field like it's a mid-90s teen drama series
December 4, 2025 at 6:31 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
Christmas is coming!
Hello calendar to keep track of the days till Christmas shaped like nakatomi Tower where you can place a falling Hans gruber at every day of the month until he splats. It's a black, flat wooden simple design with a magnetic falling Hans that I can move down day by day. How exciting.
December 4, 2025 at 5:01 PM
ianfortey.bsky.social
Fergus is a winter wonder dog
A small black dog and a red harness on a leash, standing on a snowy path with trees on one side and a frozen pond on the other
December 4, 2025 at 12:53 AM
ianfortey.bsky.social
Fergus and Kitten are putting on a stage version of the Human Centipede.
A small black dog with his face honestly close to an orange cat's butt in the cat's tail wrapped around his neck, laying in some giraffe print sheets on a messy bed
December 3, 2025 at 9:53 PM