Henpecked Hal
@henpeckedhal.bsky.social
Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM.
“A kid that never gets in trouble is just not living life to the fullest,” my son, the fourth grade philosopher
November 28, 2025 at 8:22 PM
“A kid that never gets in trouble is just not living life to the fullest,” my son, the fourth grade philosopher
Reposted by Henpecked Hal
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
November 28, 2025 at 6:39 PM
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Circling the parking lot or camping in a row and waiting? Asking for a husband at the outlets.
November 28, 2025 at 6:08 PM
Circling the parking lot or camping in a row and waiting? Asking for a husband at the outlets.
Circling the parking or camping in a row and waiting? Asking for a husband at the outlets.
November 28, 2025 at 6:03 PM
Circling the parking or camping in a row and waiting? Asking for a husband at the outlets.
Shoutout to all of the thirty year olds googling “how to cook a turkey” for the first time right now. Been there.
November 27, 2025 at 9:17 PM
Shoutout to all of the thirty year olds googling “how to cook a turkey” for the first time right now. Been there.
You wouldn't believe the number of times I've narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my little nephews would, and that's why I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving.
November 26, 2025 at 9:19 PM
You wouldn't believe the number of times I've narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my little nephews would, and that's why I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Welcome to parenthood. I hope you weren’t planning on eating that.
November 26, 2025 at 5:57 PM
Welcome to parenthood. I hope you weren’t planning on eating that.
me: in 50 years? I’ll be 98.
daughter: that’s IF you don’t die first
me: right, thanks
daughter: that’s IF you don’t die first
me: right, thanks
November 25, 2025 at 10:24 PM
me: in 50 years? I’ll be 98.
daughter: that’s IF you don’t die first
me: right, thanks
daughter: that’s IF you don’t die first
me: right, thanks
The man ahead of me in line at the grocery store had but one item in his cart. That turkey—the last one on sale—was his family’s only chance at a Thanksgiving dinner, but his card kept declining. I quietly slipped the cashier my card. “I’ll take that deal,” I said as the man left.
November 25, 2025 at 6:38 PM
The man ahead of me in line at the grocery store had but one item in his cart. That turkey—the last one on sale—was his family’s only chance at a Thanksgiving dinner, but his card kept declining. I quietly slipped the cashier my card. “I’ll take that deal,” I said as the man left.
Yes, my wife carried and birthed all of our children, but I install and swap out all of the car seats and boosters.
November 24, 2025 at 7:04 PM
Yes, my wife carried and birthed all of our children, but I install and swap out all of the car seats and boosters.
operator: toddler 9-1-1, what's your emergency?
toddler: MY SOCKS!
operator: you can't find them or you don't like how they fit?
toddler: THEY'RE ITCHY!
operator: who made you wear them?
toddler: I DID!
operator: we'll get through this together--do you know how to scream?
toddler: MY SOCKS!
operator: you can't find them or you don't like how they fit?
toddler: THEY'RE ITCHY!
operator: who made you wear them?
toddler: I DID!
operator: we'll get through this together--do you know how to scream?
November 21, 2025 at 7:13 PM
operator: toddler 9-1-1, what's your emergency?
toddler: MY SOCKS!
operator: you can't find them or you don't like how they fit?
toddler: THEY'RE ITCHY!
operator: who made you wear them?
toddler: I DID!
operator: we'll get through this together--do you know how to scream?
toddler: MY SOCKS!
operator: you can't find them or you don't like how they fit?
toddler: THEY'RE ITCHY!
operator: who made you wear them?
toddler: I DID!
operator: we'll get through this together--do you know how to scream?
At dinner my son announced that he’ll be playing the lead role in the school play. “I usually don’t like to talk in front of crowds,” he said, “but I’m willing to try.” I’ll proudly be there in the front row on opening night of “Because of Winn-Dixie,” starring my son as the dog.
November 20, 2025 at 6:15 PM
At dinner my son announced that he’ll be playing the lead role in the school play. “I usually don’t like to talk in front of crowds,” he said, “but I’m willing to try.” I’ll proudly be there in the front row on opening night of “Because of Winn-Dixie,” starring my son as the dog.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
November 19, 2025 at 9:19 PM
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Reposted by Henpecked Hal
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
November 19, 2025 at 3:00 PM
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
School fundraisers like selling candy bars teach important social skills, strengthen community ties, and instill a sense of responsibility in children. Still, it's a hard no.
November 19, 2025 at 7:30 PM
School fundraisers like selling candy bars teach important social skills, strengthen community ties, and instill a sense of responsibility in children. Still, it's a hard no.
*starts playing on phone during a show
*misses important scene
*rewinds way too far by mistake
*gets back on phone while waiting for the scene
*misses the scene again
*misses important scene
*rewinds way too far by mistake
*gets back on phone while waiting for the scene
*misses the scene again
November 19, 2025 at 6:13 PM
*starts playing on phone during a show
*misses important scene
*rewinds way too far by mistake
*gets back on phone while waiting for the scene
*misses the scene again
*misses important scene
*rewinds way too far by mistake
*gets back on phone while waiting for the scene
*misses the scene again
me: I thought said to keep your hands to yourself
son: I did
me: then why is your sister crying?
son: I kicked her
son: I did
me: then why is your sister crying?
son: I kicked her
November 18, 2025 at 10:00 PM
me: I thought said to keep your hands to yourself
son: I did
me: then why is your sister crying?
son: I kicked her
son: I did
me: then why is your sister crying?
son: I kicked her
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she'd been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
November 18, 2025 at 6:50 PM
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she'd been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Why am I the only dad here for parent-teacher conferences? Am I the only dad who can take time off work? The only dad to view this as a parenting duty, not a mommy duty? The only dad who often marks the wrong date on his calendar? The conferences are tomorrow, aren't they? Dammit.
November 17, 2025 at 8:17 PM
Why am I the only dad here for parent-teacher conferences? Am I the only dad who can take time off work? The only dad to view this as a parenting duty, not a mommy duty? The only dad who often marks the wrong date on his calendar? The conferences are tomorrow, aren't they? Dammit.
I challenged my kids to a game of Mario Kart last night and my daughter asked if we could play “Walking Mario” instead. I asked what Walking Mario was and she said, “you know, the one where he’s a pedestrian instead of a driver.” She was referring to Super Mario Bros.
November 17, 2025 at 6:40 PM
I challenged my kids to a game of Mario Kart last night and my daughter asked if we could play “Walking Mario” instead. I asked what Walking Mario was and she said, “you know, the one where he’s a pedestrian instead of a driver.” She was referring to Super Mario Bros.
Welcome to your 40's. One day you'll turn on subtitles because you can't understand a character's accent and you'll never turn them off again.
November 16, 2025 at 11:20 PM
Welcome to your 40's. One day you'll turn on subtitles because you can't understand a character's accent and you'll never turn them off again.
My wife and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed. Me and her, respectively.
November 16, 2025 at 8:27 PM
My wife and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I have no clue why, but my twelve year old nephew was bragging about how he would kick my ass at bowling. I said, "I'll bet you $20 AND I'll even bowl right-handed." He quickly accepted. Fast forward 2 weeks and we just had our game. I absolutely destroyed him. I am right-handed.
November 16, 2025 at 6:38 PM
I have no clue why, but my twelve year old nephew was bragging about how he would kick my ass at bowling. I said, "I'll bet you $20 AND I'll even bowl right-handed." He quickly accepted. Fast forward 2 weeks and we just had our game. I absolutely destroyed him. I am right-handed.
I've convinced my kids that they can hypnotize me to fall asleep when I'm chasing them and it's their new favorite game. I'll literally lay down for a 10-minute nap in the hallway and they won't bug me because it "breaks their spell." It's my greatest win as a parent thus far.
November 15, 2025 at 10:17 PM
I've convinced my kids that they can hypnotize me to fall asleep when I'm chasing them and it's their new favorite game. I'll literally lay down for a 10-minute nap in the hallway and they won't bug me because it "breaks their spell." It's my greatest win as a parent thus far.
Reposted by Henpecked Hal
“Not one word, Barbara.”
November 15, 2025 at 6:37 PM
“Not one word, Barbara.”