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Grace Jarvis

@gracejarvisohno.bsky.social

3K followers 440 following 1.2K posts

I am a stand-up comedian and that is okay https://linktr.ee/gracejarvis

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · Sep 12

if a woman tells you you have “nice hands” she is doing everything in her power not to fuck you senseless please release her from her torment her friends are receiving the kinds of messages someone in prison would send

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 10h

my trichotillomania and I have been at a pretty significant impasse since year nine where we disagreed on whether or not I should have eyebrows, but we’ve finally compromised over a bald patch in my pubes

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 18h

kid me really thought I’d have to put my hair up under a cap and disguise myself as a cabin boy on a pirate ship at some point in my life

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 1d

I am a woman simply filling up her vag with tap water and carrying around a secret pocket of water in case of fire

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 1d

you’re not “kinky” if you just wanna hit women while they’re naked, you are my nemesis and I am coming for you with my sword

Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 2d

yesterday I was in the park taking a video of a squirrel and a bunch of people saw me filming the squirrel and stopped so that they could also film the squirrel, I suppose on the assumption that it might be a famous squirrel or that I am some kind of cultural tastemaker or sommelier of squirrels

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 2d

you think you can hurt my feelings? I had braces and a jaw expander in grade three nobody even knew what they were looking at to bully me properly

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 2d

people with an extra toe are embarrassed normally, but if they’re kidnapped and have to have an extremity cut off and sent to their family in a box? that’s a perfect situation

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 3d

as a kid I had nightmares about driving my dad’s 4WD without knowing how to drive, but he’s a helicopter pilot so I also regularly had the same nightmare about flying a Huey gunship

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 3d

yeah me too mate, that's why we're both at the local library

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 4d

I love a beautiful things girly, like, even their bong is nice to look at, that type of gal

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 4d

“but doctor, I am the reviewer who called Pagliacci ‘derivative and juvenile’”

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 5d

under special skills on my resume it just says “musing” and employers do not like it

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 5d

you think you’ve been victimised by the shuffle function? I lost my virginity to a Flight of the Conchords song

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 6d

saw The Shining at the cinema last night and when the credits started rolling I looked down to pick up my bag and looked up at the screen again to see, in that matter-of-fact square font they used, “HAIRSTYLES: LEONARD”

Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 6d

you’re in his DMs, I am in the little Gaulish village still holding out against the Roman invaders

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 6d

thinking about the pastor at my all girls school who told us that the rock in front of Jesus’ tomb couldn’t have been that heavy because “two women managed to move it”

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Reposted by Grace Jarvis

“spooky” halftimbered 🛸 @halftimbered.au · 7d

[listening to podcast, ad comes on]
Brain: How many people do you think better help has killed?

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 7d

when people dress their little kids as the penguin waiters from Mary Poppins? that’s everything to me

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 7d

oh, your creepy Victorian mansion has a locked garden of rare poisonous plants somewhere on the grounds? can’t imagine that’ll be relevant to any grotesque tragedies in the near future

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 8d

a large chunk of my life so far has been taken up by just “having a sore leg”

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 8d

I want to be beautiful online, but my house gets no natural light

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 8d

there’s a kid downstairs and it is so clear that his mum hates him and every time I see her seething in his direction or hear her screaming at him from two storeys up I just think, “see you on the circuit in 15 years, buddy!”

Reposted by Grace Jarvis

Micah Callari (She/Her) 🏳️‍⚧️ @micahcallari.com · 9d

submitted thing i was late for due date on

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Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 8d

I’ve never waded into any Taylor Swift discourse, I mostly don’t care, she has heaps of bangers and billionaires are inherently evil, but what I will say is STEP AWAY FROM OPHELIA AS A METAPHOR YOU LEAVE MY GIRL ALONE

Grace Jarvis @gracejarvisohno.bsky.social · 9d

when my mental illness isn’t cured by taking a walk, having a shower and putting on moisturiser

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