The Zarban Who Stole Christmas
@derekzarban.bsky.social
Early retired Hoosier nerd. Small town historian, small-time radio announcer. Ally to all oppressed people. TTRPG and movie nerdery at zarban.com.
Pinned
Reminder that statistics can be misleading. For example, on average, humans have one boob each.
I was part of that Warner Brothers bidding war for a little while right at the beginning, when it was around 50 bucks. But then it jumped to two grand, & I was like "Too rich for my blood."
December 14, 2025 at 2:28 AM
I was part of that Warner Brothers bidding war for a little while right at the beginning, when it was around 50 bucks. But then it jumped to two grand, & I was like "Too rich for my blood."
Reminder: it’s not his chin that has the Van Dyke beard 💯
happy 100 dick van dyke. 🥳
December 13, 2025 at 4:28 PM
Reminder: it’s not his chin that has the Van Dyke beard 💯
Sure, Tim Apple, that’s what i probably meant
December 13, 2025 at 4:02 PM
Sure, Tim Apple, that’s what i probably meant
Happy 25th anniversary to my winter coat. 🎂☃️🧥
December 13, 2025 at 2:59 AM
Happy 25th anniversary to my winter coat. 🎂☃️🧥
It really seemed like hard rock would live forever.
December 12, 2025 at 10:06 PM
It really seemed like hard rock would live forever.
This doctor’s office has music on a speaker paired with a computer that has e-mail notifications turned on. So every time the receptionist gets an e-mail, the music dips & goes “bloop”. 🥸
December 12, 2025 at 5:21 PM
This doctor’s office has music on a speaker paired with a computer that has e-mail notifications turned on. So every time the receptionist gets an e-mail, the music dips & goes “bloop”. 🥸
@sheev.calamitousintent.com
What's goin' on here?
What's goin' on here?
December 12, 2025 at 4:29 PM
@sheev.calamitousintent.com
What's goin' on here?
What's goin' on here?
I’m watching a lot of videos of Letterman staff reminiscing about their favorite bits. It’s amazing how many of them are the writers saying “This is all we had. There wasn’t much to it.“ And then the video shows Dave improvising and turning it into gold.
December 12, 2025 at 1:50 AM
I’m watching a lot of videos of Letterman staff reminiscing about their favorite bits. It’s amazing how many of them are the writers saying “This is all we had. There wasn’t much to it.“ And then the video shows Dave improvising and turning it into gold.
Reposted by The Zarban Who Stole Christmas
SKULL OF THOMAS AQUINAS: TAKE A LEFT NOW
PRIEST: No, the GPS says we have to keep going—
SKULL: I KNOW A SHORTCUT
PRIEST: Do you remember the last ti—
SKULL: FOR THOSE WITH FAITH, NO EVIDENCE IS NECESSARY; FOR THOSE WITHOUT IT, NO EVIDENCE WILL SUFFICE
PRIEST: No, the GPS says we have to keep going—
SKULL: I KNOW A SHORTCUT
PRIEST: Do you remember the last ti—
SKULL: FOR THOSE WITH FAITH, NO EVIDENCE IS NECESSARY; FOR THOSE WITHOUT IT, NO EVIDENCE WILL SUFFICE
'Skull of St. Thomas Aquinas being transported to Fossanova Abbey.'
Photograph by Daniel Ibanez
Photograph by Daniel Ibanez
December 10, 2025 at 5:10 PM
SKULL OF THOMAS AQUINAS: TAKE A LEFT NOW
PRIEST: No, the GPS says we have to keep going—
SKULL: I KNOW A SHORTCUT
PRIEST: Do you remember the last ti—
SKULL: FOR THOSE WITH FAITH, NO EVIDENCE IS NECESSARY; FOR THOSE WITHOUT IT, NO EVIDENCE WILL SUFFICE
PRIEST: No, the GPS says we have to keep going—
SKULL: I KNOW A SHORTCUT
PRIEST: Do you remember the last ti—
SKULL: FOR THOSE WITH FAITH, NO EVIDENCE IS NECESSARY; FOR THOSE WITHOUT IT, NO EVIDENCE WILL SUFFICE
We need a word like "halfway" that means "one-quarter of the way" and also one that means "three-quarters of the way". How about "forfway" and "throrfway"?
"Forfway thru the movie, I still didn't know what was going on."
"Forfway thru the movie, I still didn't know what was going on."
December 11, 2025 at 3:34 PM
We need a word like "halfway" that means "one-quarter of the way" and also one that means "three-quarters of the way". How about "forfway" and "throrfway"?
"Forfway thru the movie, I still didn't know what was going on."
"Forfway thru the movie, I still didn't know what was going on."
TIL The Wilhelm Scream is credited to Sheb Wooley, cowboy actor most famous for the song "The Purple People Eater".
December 9, 2025 at 5:07 AM
TIL The Wilhelm Scream is credited to Sheb Wooley, cowboy actor most famous for the song "The Purple People Eater".
Reposted by The Zarban Who Stole Christmas
I have been given the shiny and very real War Stopper Award by
USA Pickleball because I have stopped so many dozens of wars and whatnot. I am honored that my war stopping has been noticed by the foremost pickleball organization in the world.
USA Pickleball because I have stopped so many dozens of wars and whatnot. I am honored that my war stopping has been noticed by the foremost pickleball organization in the world.
December 6, 2025 at 12:59 AM
I have been given the shiny and very real War Stopper Award by
USA Pickleball because I have stopped so many dozens of wars and whatnot. I am honored that my war stopping has been noticed by the foremost pickleball organization in the world.
USA Pickleball because I have stopped so many dozens of wars and whatnot. I am honored that my war stopping has been noticed by the foremost pickleball organization in the world.
Emojis should go left to right 🥳👺🤳💃💅🦵🎉👟🫗🪄✈️🛬🚀📢🚩not right to left🐝👀🦶✍️🏃♂️🚴♂️🐕🐘🐔🦖🚒🚄🚤🚗🪚🔫
December 4, 2025 at 9:47 PM
Emojis should go left to right 🥳👺🤳💃💅🦵🎉👟🫗🪄✈️🛬🚀📢🚩not right to left🐝👀🦶✍️🏃♂️🚴♂️🐕🐘🐔🦖🚒🚄🚤🚗🪚🔫
Damn, Microsoft, a 30% increase for 365 all at once??
December 2, 2025 at 3:23 PM
Damn, Microsoft, a 30% increase for 365 all at once??
Winter reminder: put down twice as much salt at the corners and on the steps. That’s where people have to stop/turn.
November 30, 2025 at 10:12 PM
Winter reminder: put down twice as much salt at the corners and on the steps. That’s where people have to stop/turn.
a lot of people are like 'what if the beatles had stayed together?" & the answer to that is "moar beatles albums" duh. what poeople don't ask enoug is "what if the beatles plane crashed in the andes, & they had to decide which one of them to eat?" I think the answer would be mal evans, but 🧵1/11
November 29, 2025 at 8:11 PM
a lot of people are like 'what if the beatles had stayed together?" & the answer to that is "moar beatles albums" duh. what poeople don't ask enoug is "what if the beatles plane crashed in the andes, & they had to decide which one of them to eat?" I think the answer would be mal evans, but 🧵1/11
Small town moment: clerk at the grocery store, whom I graduated high school with, asked "Did you hear Shawn's mom died?" Yes, I had, as it happens.
November 28, 2025 at 8:18 PM
Small town moment: clerk at the grocery store, whom I graduated high school with, asked "Did you hear Shawn's mom died?" Yes, I had, as it happens.
Reposted by The Zarban Who Stole Christmas
“J.J. Abrams is grossly overrated and ruined both Star Trek and Star Wars.”
November 27, 2025 at 1:00 AM
“J.J. Abrams is grossly overrated and ruined both Star Trek and Star Wars.”
Whoops. Forgot to review my “extended family children & partners” flash cards….
November 27, 2025 at 5:57 PM
Whoops. Forgot to review my “extended family children & partners” flash cards….
Reposted by The Zarban Who Stole Christmas
In the era of AI it’s more crucial than ever that social media sites add a serif to the lower case L
November 26, 2025 at 8:29 PM
In the era of AI it’s more crucial than ever that social media sites add a serif to the lower case L
Hadn't tested my memory of US presidents for about 15 years. Then I only forgot one. This time I forgot seven.😞
Fun fact: We have photographs of all 47 presidents except for the first five.
Fun fact: We have photographs of all 47 presidents except for the first five.
November 27, 2025 at 6:09 AM
Hadn't tested my memory of US presidents for about 15 years. Then I only forgot one. This time I forgot seven.😞
Fun fact: We have photographs of all 47 presidents except for the first five.
Fun fact: We have photographs of all 47 presidents except for the first five.
Really getting into ghost-hunting lately. I hunt ghosts with a 410 shotgun loaded with birdshot, because—here's my theory—you don't need a lot of stopping power for a ghost.
November 26, 2025 at 6:53 PM
Really getting into ghost-hunting lately. I hunt ghosts with a 410 shotgun loaded with birdshot, because—here's my theory—you don't need a lot of stopping power for a ghost.
Diamond Rio's "Bubba Hyde" is a nearly perfect song, but there's no such thing as "patent leather" (shiny) zebra boots.
November 26, 2025 at 3:27 AM
Diamond Rio's "Bubba Hyde" is a nearly perfect song, but there's no such thing as "patent leather" (shiny) zebra boots.
I forgot to mention that during trick-or-treating two teenage girls stopped & said that their costumes were "Marry" & "Kill" & that their friend was lagging behind, & my sister had to inform me that she would be dressed as "Kiss" & not what I thought.
November 24, 2025 at 3:33 AM
I forgot to mention that during trick-or-treating two teenage girls stopped & said that their costumes were "Marry" & "Kill" & that their friend was lagging behind, & my sister had to inform me that she would be dressed as "Kiss" & not what I thought.
Haven't lost any weight yet, but this all-White-Stripes diet is pretty rad.
November 21, 2025 at 6:46 AM
Haven't lost any weight yet, but this all-White-Stripes diet is pretty rad.