Captain Jean Luc Dickhard
@cointelprostate.bsky.social
Local cryptid
People keep talking about my new ass. They keep saying stuff like “wow look at that huge ass” but it’s the same ass I’ve always had. It’s just that the rest of my body is way smaller now (from the experiments the aliens did on me)
November 19, 2025 at 12:19 AM
People keep talking about my new ass. They keep saying stuff like “wow look at that huge ass” but it’s the same ass I’ve always had. It’s just that the rest of my body is way smaller now (from the experiments the aliens did on me)
Taking the pill that makes Bigfoot real
November 18, 2025 at 2:44 AM
Taking the pill that makes Bigfoot real
Gaming isn’t “cool.” Owning a sports car isn’t “cool.” Cutting a ghost in half with a sword is cool
November 16, 2025 at 10:51 PM
Gaming isn’t “cool.” Owning a sports car isn’t “cool.” Cutting a ghost in half with a sword is cool
Reposted by Captain Jean Luc Dickhard
The moral arc of the universe is gay and its dick is small
November 16, 2025 at 7:05 AM
The moral arc of the universe is gay and its dick is small
Standing at attention as the king passes by but it’s clear that I got my nuts stuck in my chain mail armor
November 16, 2025 at 2:53 AM
Standing at attention as the king passes by but it’s clear that I got my nuts stuck in my chain mail armor
Some guy named Dwight Ketchup just came and fucked me up. Straight up kicked my ass and took a bunch of my shit
November 15, 2025 at 4:28 AM
Some guy named Dwight Ketchup just came and fucked me up. Straight up kicked my ass and took a bunch of my shit
(Misremembering the phrase “loose lips sink ships”) hey man be careful you know what they say, loose lips kiss tips
November 14, 2025 at 2:20 AM
(Misremembering the phrase “loose lips sink ships”) hey man be careful you know what they say, loose lips kiss tips
Astral projecting into my neighbor’s apartment so we can watch family guy together
November 12, 2025 at 10:46 PM
Astral projecting into my neighbor’s apartment so we can watch family guy together
Saying “type of shit I’ve been on lately” to some shit I have most definitely not been on lately
November 10, 2025 at 10:57 PM
Saying “type of shit I’ve been on lately” to some shit I have most definitely not been on lately
Staying on the bus until I’m the last passenger so I can ask the driver to let me sit on on his lap
November 10, 2025 at 2:53 AM
Staying on the bus until I’m the last passenger so I can ask the driver to let me sit on on his lap
(Buying toilet paper but I’m trying to flirt with the cashier) oh it’s not for me haha
November 8, 2025 at 11:23 PM
(Buying toilet paper but I’m trying to flirt with the cashier) oh it’s not for me haha
Siri how to indicate to my sleep paralysis demon that I’m open to things getting sexual between us
November 7, 2025 at 1:49 AM
Siri how to indicate to my sleep paralysis demon that I’m open to things getting sexual between us
Most people agree that shrimp will rule the world in the distant future, but very few agree on how to feel about that
November 6, 2025 at 12:13 AM
Most people agree that shrimp will rule the world in the distant future, but very few agree on how to feel about that
My nips are rock hard for an amazing reason
November 5, 2025 at 3:58 AM
My nips are rock hard for an amazing reason
Is there a Balls Cheney?
November 4, 2025 at 9:21 PM
Is there a Balls Cheney?
(Spinning my balls around as far as possible and then letting them go and watching them unwind at an incredible speed) can anyone explain this?
November 4, 2025 at 1:13 AM
(Spinning my balls around as far as possible and then letting them go and watching them unwind at an incredible speed) can anyone explain this?
The Wet Homie’s attention has been drawn to your poorly-guarded supply of fluids
November 3, 2025 at 8:27 PM
The Wet Homie’s attention has been drawn to your poorly-guarded supply of fluids
You wouldn’t know my wives they prep at another compound
November 3, 2025 at 2:06 AM
You wouldn’t know my wives they prep at another compound
Thank you for your inquiries, however I will not be sharing my recipe for The Gentleman’s Stew at this time
November 2, 2025 at 4:29 AM
Thank you for your inquiries, however I will not be sharing my recipe for The Gentleman’s Stew at this time
The secret to my success? Simply walking in a straight line until someone tells me I “can’t be here”
November 1, 2025 at 12:03 AM
The secret to my success? Simply walking in a straight line until someone tells me I “can’t be here”
I don’t buy hamburger helper. I buy hamburger hindrance. I think dinner should be more difficult
October 31, 2025 at 1:43 AM
I don’t buy hamburger helper. I buy hamburger hindrance. I think dinner should be more difficult
Might be having a Mandela effect moment but was there an episode of Dora the Explorer where she smoked a bunch of cigarettes?
October 29, 2025 at 11:39 PM
Might be having a Mandela effect moment but was there an episode of Dora the Explorer where she smoked a bunch of cigarettes?
When people hear you’re into cock torture they just assume you’re also into ball torture. Those are 2 very different things my friend
October 29, 2025 at 9:37 PM
When people hear you’re into cock torture they just assume you’re also into ball torture. Those are 2 very different things my friend
Reposted by Captain Jean Luc Dickhard
before Deuce Bigalow no one had ever conceived of a male gigolo
November 11, 2024 at 2:06 AM
before Deuce Bigalow no one had ever conceived of a male gigolo
(Smiling, pointing to the screen and mouthing to my lawyer as the jury watches security camera footage of me committing the crime) that’s me
October 29, 2025 at 1:59 AM
(Smiling, pointing to the screen and mouthing to my lawyer as the jury watches security camera footage of me committing the crime) that’s me