Author | Lightnews

Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · 8h

“Of course I know Dr. Rodeo, Tracy. I wouldn’t have made it through medical school without him. He taught me everything I know about hard work, perseverance, and taking enough PCP to become smarter than god.”

Dr Leo Spaceman, from the tv show 30 Rock, speaking to a patient out of frame

Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · 8h

Also why is Dr. Rodeo not already the name of a store-brand Dr. Pepper knockoff

Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · 8h

Per ESPN, the Giants trust a man named Dr. Rodeo to determine if their QB scrambled his brain. Is this the worst/funniest combo of name and situation for a doctor?
Having a baby delivered by Dr. Fumble? Going to a Dr. Pepper to treat kidney stones? @shutdownfullcast.bsky.social

Screenshot from ESPN article saying “
Daboll was later seen talking in an animated fashion to the team physician, Dr. Scott Rodeo, on the sideline while awaiting word on whether Dart would be cleared to return to the game. The coach said he wanted to find out "if [Dart] was OK" and decide whether to call timeout and potentially go for it on fourth down, if he was available.”

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Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · 11h

Here is my dog trying to take a nap and managing to position himself so the tiny bit of sunlight coming through the window is pointed directly at his eyes

Dog lying on kitchen floor with small sliver of sunlight hitting him in the eyes, looking annoyed

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Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · 5d

Which current QBs would be most impacted by a halftime heater like the legend Len Dawson? I think any QB from Texas (Stafford, Mayfield, Mahomes) gets a nice boost. Jones and Lawrence get the shakes. Rodgers misses the 3rd Quarter because he insists on rolling his own and fucks them up

Chiefs quarterback Len Dawson enjoying a cigarette at halftime of the Super Bowl

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Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · 8d

“No more money for cancer research, Bobby wants it all redirected towards collecting and studying teen jizz”

Aaron Rupar @atrupar.com · 8d

RFK Jr: "Today the average teenager in this country has 50% of the sperm count, 50% of the testosterone of a 65 year old man. Our girls are hitting puberty 6 years early ... our parents aren't having children."

Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · 8d

Read through the screenshots then clicked the article link to see what else was in this insane Mike Pence profile. Legitimately shocked to find it was not about him

bort @crushbort.bsky.social · 8d

happy tenth anniversary to the mother’s food must be hot story, which immediately gave me severe brain damage upon reading www.jezebel.com/restaurant-c...

I was working in an upscale restaurant that specialized in fresh seafood. Check averages pushed $200 for two, so the tips were good. Now, I get that some people can't eat seafood; either they're allergic or they just hate it. Which is cool, but why the fuck would you come to a seafood house, then?
One night, I have one of these tables. They first bitch about all the fish. I'm crying inside but don't say anything as I point out sub-10 dollar items on the back of the menu that are not fish or fish-like. Took them 20 minutes to decide on some horrific cheese-covered thing that was apparently French or something. Whatever. Within 20 seconds, their order was being assembled.
Every 20 seconds, the man stretches his neck and starts looking for his waiter (which is me). Before he can turn the other direction...I'm there.
"Mother likes her food very hot," he says. He's already told me 4 times, so the 5th should really make me remember.

"Yes sir. Absolutely," I say or, something equally as ass-kissingly sweet. "Right out the saute pan," (lol, it was all pre-made and largely microwaved).
It was served in a special dish that sat inside a broiler so the food would be extra hot. The cook tops the French Gloop with a fistful of cheese and I watch it melt. I grab the dish with tongs and chuck it on the tray. Ten seconds later, it's in front of mother.
"Oh no... this simply is not hot enough," says
Pa.
I make some remark about re-doubling my efficiency. I then serve it three more times with the same result. "Oh...mother likes her food hot.
Mother likes hot food. Food....hot food...mother must have it," I had to endure every permutation.
The cook (who is also my stoner buddy) is at this point genuinely confused. "Dude... that shit will not get any hotter unless we flambee the fucker and you serve it on fire. Lucifer doesn't eat food that hot."

$At this point, I come up with a plan: we'll heat the serving dish until it's on the verge of melting (or fracture). The radiant heat alone would cook a steak to well-done in under a minute. We leave this dish under the broiler until it glows dull red. Half of the gloop burns away instantly so we add another bag. The cheese is the temp of lava and literally boiling. We add another fistful just in case. My fear is that when I place this in front of mother, the tablecloth will burst into flames. She's got a can's worth of hairspray on her blue-haired head, so she'll likely blow up as well. This would cost me money. (Editor's Note: Oh my God that sentence is every server l've ever known in a nutshell.) Finally, I place the dish in front of her like it's radioactive. Fuck, it probably is. And for the 4th time, I mention that the outer dish is very hot... do not touch the very hot outer dish. Of course, she grabs the dish with both hands. I can hear the skin sizzling. She can't pick it up though. Know why? BECAUSE SHE BURNED THE SKIN FROM HER FINGERS AND THUMBS! She's essentially pan-seared her hands and fingerprints with it. I'm waiting for her to start screaming, or maybe pass out into a bubbling cheese magma in front of her.$

She sweetly tells me it's "perfect" and dishes out half to Pa (yes, they split the entree). They seemed to enjoy the whatever-it-was, and each other's company. And neither seemed to mind the odor of human flesh that perfumed my station. I did manage to up-sell them dessert, which brought the check total to $30.00.
They left a pair of 20 dollar bills and told the manager I was a very nice young man.

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Reposted by Buford Lunchbox

Zeboyd Digital Entertainment @zeboydgames.bsky.social · Jul 10

If "AI" was as valuable as they say it is, they wouldn't be selling it to you. They'd be using it themselves in secret to make the next Minecraft, the next Avatar, the next Hello Kitty and then they'd sell that to you.

They're trying to sell you a sick goose, while pretending it lays golden eggs.

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Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · 29d

If you thought the grocery situation was bad already, those fuckers at Aldi sold me a hollow onion today

White onion with the inner 20ish percent hollow

Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · Sep 22

🤔

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Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · Sep 22

Congrats to everyone who helped elect President Wiggum

onion person @junlper.beer · Sep 22

donald trump is going through full brandonization at an alarming rate

Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · Sep 22

Slow Horses is so good, you’ll find yourself knocking out a season a day and be ready for the upcoming season by the end of the week

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Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · Sep 20

At a little brewery taproom, Sweet Caroline just started over the speakers and the lady who brought her dog in a stroller is doing everything she can to keep her excitement under control but she looks like a video game character powering up…bout to hear some bum bum bums

Reposted by Buford Lunchbox

Faine Greenwood @faineg.bsky.social · Sep 20

“Meta has used back-to-school pictures of schoolgirls to advertise one of its social media platforms to a 37-year-old man, in a move parents described as “outrageous” and “upsetting.”

Meta has 100% stopped even *pretending* not to be astoundingly evil.

www.theguardian.com/technology/2...

Parents outraged as Meta uses photos of schoolgirls in ads targeting man

Exclusive: Instagram pictures of girls as young as 13 were posted to promote Threads site ‘as bait’, campaigner says

www.theguardian.com

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Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · Sep 19

Unholy color for food. Only Play Doh and wet paint should exist in that shade of green

kate bush’s husband @airbagged.bsky.social · Sep 18

BAJA BLAST PIE COMING TO TACO BELL IN NOVEMBER

Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · Sep 15

They tried to come original but seem to be all mixed up

Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · Sep 15

Got served this ad on the other side. Someone paid money to make this important message could reach the masses

Screenshot of a paid ad from Twitter in which a user tags the band 311 and asks them to create some kind of forum where their fans can debate in honor of Charlie Kirk, then makes a strange 1st Amendment reference

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Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · Sep 13

The “pro-life” party

Aaron Rupar @atrupar.com · Sep 13

Brian Kilmeade endorses euthanizing homeless people: "Involuntary lethal injection, or something. Just kill them."

Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · Sep 12

Do you think people like this have developed a true fondness for the taste of lead paint, or do they just slurp it down daily as like a pica thing?

The Free Press @thefp.com · Sep 12

Charlie Kirk was murdered while practicing the very act that gave birth to this nation—and the only thing that will ensure its survival.

Je Suis Charlie

Charlie Kirk was murdered while practicing the very act that gave birth to this nation—and the only thing that will ensure its survival.

bit.ly

Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · Sep 7

Hell of a show

Malice on stage during F.I.C.O. with numbers flashing across the screen behind him

Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · Sep 2

This collection is called “being a royals fan in the 00s”

Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · Aug 30

Whenever it finally happens, they should turn his gravesite into a public toilet. 4 stalls, $100/minute, we’d have a waitlist 3 years long. That’s an easy $200 mil per year before factoring in the souvenir shop

Reposted by Buford Lunchbox

Ken Tremendous @kentremendous.bsky.social · Aug 27

There can’t be any gun restrictions because we have to protect against federal government tyranny, and if kids get shot we just have to live with it. Also the President can send troops to cities because the federal government can do whatever it wants. These two ideas are consistent and reasonable.

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Buford Lunchbox @bufordlunchbox.bsky.social · Aug 26

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Reposted by Buford Lunchbox

BUM CHILLUPS AKA SPENCER HALL @edsbs.bsky.social · Aug 8

motivation

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