Ben Zelevansky
@benzelevansky.com
Actor / Writer / 6x Winner, Milt and Edie's Dry Cleaners Photo Caption Contest.
http://www.BenZelevansky.com
http://www.BenZelevansky.com
Pinned
Ben Zelevansky
@benzelevansky.com
· Dec 17
Survival Job
by Ben Zelevansky —
Once everyone had settled into their seats, a man stepped up to the lectern at the front of the conference room. Behind him, a PowerPoint slide with the AllGo corporate col...
deathbed.ghost.io
Don’t miss SURVIVAL JOB, my brand new horror story about what can happen when you don’t maintain a healthy work-life balance - available only on DeathbedWriting.com!
I bet everybody who says the Democrats are doing nothing to combat a fascist takeover of the country is feeling pretty stupid right about now
Seahawks vs. 49ers means it’s time for a friendly wager 🏈 @pelosi.house.gov & I are ready for Saturday.
January 17, 2026 at 1:10 AM
I bet everybody who says the Democrats are doing nothing to combat a fascist takeover of the country is feeling pretty stupid right about now
Democratic leaders to angry protestors: “You’re giving Trump exactly what he wants”
Also Democratic leaders:
Also Democratic leaders:
🚨NEWS: Senate Dems are reportedly offering ICE funding increases in exchange for body cams and de-escalation training for agents.
Body cams can be turned off. De-escalation training can be ignored.
Unclear if no masks, requiring ID badges, and no immunity is on the table.
Body cams can be turned off. De-escalation training can be ignored.
Unclear if no masks, requiring ID badges, and no immunity is on the table.
January 16, 2026 at 8:05 PM
Democratic leaders to angry protestors: “You’re giving Trump exactly what he wants”
Also Democratic leaders:
Also Democratic leaders:
Why were we so hasty with Timothy McVeigh? Maybe he just needed better training.
January 16, 2026 at 5:42 PM
Why were we so hasty with Timothy McVeigh? Maybe he just needed better training.
We know Jonathan Ross‘s name, dumbass. Now what?
I am introducing the Quick Recognition (QR) Act, which requires ICE and CBP officers to wear uniforms featuring QR codes. When scanned, the code would generate a digital ID displaying the officer’s name, badge number, and law enforcement agency.
ICE should be unmasked both physically and digitally.
ICE should be unmasked both physically and digitally.
January 14, 2026 at 5:55 PM
We know Jonathan Ross‘s name, dumbass. Now what?
Put this on a t shirt
Immigration officers received a "legal refresher" reminding them that personal insults and rude gestures are legal, per documents leaked to me: www.kenklippenstein.com/p/immigratio...
January 13, 2026 at 2:52 AM
Put this on a t shirt
It’s 2026 but I’m still writing “Please don’t cash this I have no money” on my checks!
January 2, 2026 at 7:01 AM
It’s 2026 but I’m still writing “Please don’t cash this I have no money” on my checks!
Everyone knows that Chevy Chase is a huge asshole. What this new documentary presupposes is...maybe they’re right.
January 1, 2026 at 2:57 AM
Everyone knows that Chevy Chase is a huge asshole. What this new documentary presupposes is...maybe they’re right.
[scrawling in ketchup on the tablecloth due to poorly chewed chunk of meat lodged in my windpipe] INTENTS AND PURPOSES
[on my deathbed] that’s actually not what “begs the question” means
December 31, 2025 at 9:52 AM
[scrawling in ketchup on the tablecloth due to poorly chewed chunk of meat lodged in my windpipe] INTENTS AND PURPOSES
I seem to have strained the precise combination of back muscles that makes you walk like Colonel Steven Lockjaw
December 30, 2025 at 8:57 PM
I seem to have strained the precise combination of back muscles that makes you walk like Colonel Steven Lockjaw
Reposted by Ben Zelevansky
Remember: There's always strength in a union. Solidarity.
December 25, 2025 at 5:00 PM
Remember: There's always strength in a union. Solidarity.
I’m now being told the boat has sunk, exploded, caught fire while under water, briefly bobbed back to the surface and then sunk again
President Trump claims the warship will be "the fastest, the biggest, and by far 100 times more powerful than any battleship ever built." A month ago, the Navy scrapped plans to build a new, small warship, citing delays and cost overruns. n.pr/4pSg7zB
Trump announces plans for new Navy 'battleship' as part of a 'Golden Fleet'
President Trump claims the warship will be "the fastest, the biggest, and by far 100 times more powerful than any battleship ever built." A month ago, the Navy scrapped plans to build a new, small warship, citing delays and cost overruns.
n.pr
December 23, 2025 at 6:34 AM
I’m now being told the boat has sunk, exploded, caught fire while under water, briefly bobbed back to the surface and then sunk again
Don’t miss SURVIVAL JOB, my brand new horror story about what can happen when you don’t maintain a healthy work-life balance - available only on DeathbedWriting.com!
Survival Job
by Ben Zelevansky —
Once everyone had settled into their seats, a man stepped up to the lectern at the front of the conference room. Behind him, a PowerPoint slide with the AllGo corporate col...
deathbed.ghost.io
December 17, 2025 at 8:46 PM
Don’t miss SURVIVAL JOB, my brand new horror story about what can happen when you don’t maintain a healthy work-life balance - available only on DeathbedWriting.com!
Reposted by Ben Zelevansky
You ready for work?
SURVIVAL JOB by @benzelevansky.com (Brooklyn 99, Parks and Recreation) is live now on DeathbedWriting.com.
It’s a charming tale of a young artist struggling to succeed in late stage capitalism, and yes, there’s a Japanese pull saw involved.
Subscribe.DeathbedWriting.com
SURVIVAL JOB by @benzelevansky.com (Brooklyn 99, Parks and Recreation) is live now on DeathbedWriting.com.
It’s a charming tale of a young artist struggling to succeed in late stage capitalism, and yes, there’s a Japanese pull saw involved.
Subscribe.DeathbedWriting.com
December 15, 2025 at 5:08 AM
You ready for work?
SURVIVAL JOB by @benzelevansky.com (Brooklyn 99, Parks and Recreation) is live now on DeathbedWriting.com.
It’s a charming tale of a young artist struggling to succeed in late stage capitalism, and yes, there’s a Japanese pull saw involved.
Subscribe.DeathbedWriting.com
SURVIVAL JOB by @benzelevansky.com (Brooklyn 99, Parks and Recreation) is live now on DeathbedWriting.com.
It’s a charming tale of a young artist struggling to succeed in late stage capitalism, and yes, there’s a Japanese pull saw involved.
Subscribe.DeathbedWriting.com
This should ABSOLUTELY be implemented in ALL cars with NO exceptions except for my car
My least popular (and most correct) view is that cars should be automatically limited to the local speed limit. Put the pedal to the floor and you still can't go over 25mph in a residential area.
(15 in Manhattan btw)
(15 in Manhattan btw)
There is no possible justification for limiting e-bikes to 15mph but not cars.
December 13, 2025 at 6:07 PM
This should ABSOLUTELY be implemented in ALL cars with NO exceptions except for my car
Reposted by Ben Zelevansky
The great @ritchied.bsky.social has launched a free weekly newsletter called Deathbed that presents Horror Stories from Comedy Writers.
My story drops Monday - subscribe today at subscribe.deathbedwriting.com to be among the first to read it, and all the excellent stories to follow!
My story drops Monday - subscribe today at subscribe.deathbedwriting.com to be among the first to read it, and all the excellent stories to follow!
December 10, 2025 at 9:17 PM
The great @ritchied.bsky.social has launched a free weekly newsletter called Deathbed that presents Horror Stories from Comedy Writers.
My story drops Monday - subscribe today at subscribe.deathbedwriting.com to be among the first to read it, and all the excellent stories to follow!
My story drops Monday - subscribe today at subscribe.deathbedwriting.com to be among the first to read it, and all the excellent stories to follow!
The great @ritchied.bsky.social has launched a free weekly newsletter called Deathbed that presents Horror Stories from Comedy Writers.
My story drops Monday - subscribe today at subscribe.deathbedwriting.com to be among the first to read it, and all the excellent stories to follow!
My story drops Monday - subscribe today at subscribe.deathbedwriting.com to be among the first to read it, and all the excellent stories to follow!
December 10, 2025 at 9:17 PM
The great @ritchied.bsky.social has launched a free weekly newsletter called Deathbed that presents Horror Stories from Comedy Writers.
My story drops Monday - subscribe today at subscribe.deathbedwriting.com to be among the first to read it, and all the excellent stories to follow!
My story drops Monday - subscribe today at subscribe.deathbedwriting.com to be among the first to read it, and all the excellent stories to follow!
So weird that there’s now a bidding war for a company so poverty stricken that in 2023 it couldn’t afford to offer any of its workers a fair contract 🤔
Paramount CEO David Ellison has declared war, launching a hostile takeover bid to keep Warner Bros. from Netflix. We’ve laid his plans out — including Jared Kushner’s connection to his bid.
David Ellison Just Declared War
Paramount CEO David Ellison has declared war, launching a hostile takeover bid to keep Warner Bros. from Netflix. We’ve laid his plans out — including Jared Kushner’s connection to his bid.
www.vulture.com
December 8, 2025 at 8:58 PM
So weird that there’s now a bidding war for a company so poverty stricken that in 2023 it couldn’t afford to offer any of its workers a fair contract 🤔
“Stitch incoming” - me, to a snitch
December 8, 2025 at 8:35 PM
“Stitch incoming” - me, to a snitch
“Has anyone seen my copy of the Annual Report? I swear I had it when I came in here.”
December 7, 2025 at 8:13 PM
“Has anyone seen my copy of the Annual Report? I swear I had it when I came in here.”
Merry Costmas 🎄
Folks you may have been baffled by the “Kevin Costner presents the first Christmas” ad you just saw on ABC
And I am here to make it worse by sharing with you the official poster for this blessed event
And I am here to make it worse by sharing with you the official poster for this blessed event
December 6, 2025 at 6:50 PM
Merry Costmas 🎄
All this time I thought the president was a piece of shit but they don’t give that FIFA Peace Prize to just anybody
December 5, 2025 at 8:00 PM
All this time I thought the president was a piece of shit but they don’t give that FIFA Peace Prize to just anybody
God forbid I get in the way of someone earning but if current trends continue we will have depleted our entire Strategic Ethan Hawke Performance Reserve in a matter of weeks
December 3, 2025 at 12:17 AM
God forbid I get in the way of someone earning but if current trends continue we will have depleted our entire Strategic Ethan Hawke Performance Reserve in a matter of weeks
Every time the GOP innovates a new way to be horrible, I get madder at the Democrats who wasted years throwing up their hands and playacting powerlessness
The Trump admin is systematically firing immigration judges across the country for no reason other their above average grant rates.
The goal is to transform an imperfect system which aimed for fairness into a rubber stamp mill, leaving only the “deportation judges” they want.
The goal is to transform an imperfect system which aimed for fairness into a rubber stamp mill, leaving only the “deportation judges” they want.
BREAKING NYT:
The Trump admin just fired eight immigration judges in New York City.
All the judges were dismissed from the immigration offices at 26 Federal Plaza — a building that houses the NYC headquarters of ICE and has become the epicenter of migrant arrests in the city.
The Trump admin just fired eight immigration judges in New York City.
All the judges were dismissed from the immigration offices at 26 Federal Plaza — a building that houses the NYC headquarters of ICE and has become the epicenter of migrant arrests in the city.
December 2, 2025 at 4:34 PM
Every time the GOP innovates a new way to be horrible, I get madder at the Democrats who wasted years throwing up their hands and playacting powerlessness
You can’t spell “Franckunstein” without “Fuck AI”
“This film was wilfully made for humans, by humans… F*** AI.”
— Guillermo del Toro while accepting the Vanguard Tribute Award for ‘Frankenstein’ at the Gotham Awards.
— Guillermo del Toro while accepting the Vanguard Tribute Award for ‘Frankenstein’ at the Gotham Awards.
December 2, 2025 at 3:21 PM
You can’t spell “Franckunstein” without “Fuck AI”