Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

LightNews

BaltimoreOctopus

@baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social

270 followers 240 following 640 posts

Here for jokes. Some guy, dad, cat dad, multitudes, etc.

Posts Media Videos Starter Packs

Pinned

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · Nov 26

Starting on Bluesky with zero followers, so I'm almost caught up to the number of followers I had on Twitter.

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 2h

It's natural selection. Our ancestors who were able to draw the best turkeys were more likely to impress mates and reproduce, thus passing on the genetics for turkey-shaped hands to future generations.

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 21h

Our kitten is adorable but my wife has decided she looks like... Salacious Crumb?

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 1d

Thrilling dinner with my parents.

Dad: I like these raisins. They're big.
Mom: They're the same kind I always get.
Dad: They're bigger.
Mom: ...
Dad: Raisins are always good.
Mom: Because they're sweet.
Dad: Uh huh.

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 2d

First you smorg it, then you bord it.

Reposted by BaltimoreOctopus

DaddyJew @daddyjew.bsky.social · 2d

*watching son play Minecraft*

Me: why does that grave say Daddy?

Son: that's a different Daddy, you don't know him

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 2d

This is my werewolf costume. Trust me, it was a lot scarier a couple nights ago when the moon was full.

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 4d

Three cats on a couch.

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 4d

You gotta *really* earn a nickname to get it put on your tombstone.

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 4d

This guy next to my desk at work is making me jealous.

An orange cat curled up asleep on a cat bed in the sun.

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 4d

*falls to the floor*

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 4d

Good hang, well hung.

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 5d

a cartoon of homer simpson cleaning a sink with a towel

ALT: a cartoon of homer simpson cleaning a sink with a towel

media.tenor.com

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 6d

We are already at the part with shooting civilians in the street, and several months into detainees dying in custody.

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 7d

a man dressed as a mime is wearing a black hat and suspenders .

ALT: a man dressed as a mime is wearing a black hat and suspenders .

media.tenor.com

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 8d

I would guess zero.

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 8d

Happy Halloween season!

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 9d

a man and a boy are talking to each other and the man is saying `` don t provoke the borg '' .

ALT: a man and a boy are talking to each other and the man is saying `` don t provoke the borg '' .

media.tenor.com

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 9d

"More Pulp" is a threat.

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 10d

That's how you get it started.

Reposted by BaltimoreOctopus

d.ly @dly.bsky.social · 11d

I want a 9-minute ballad about teaching Travis Kelce where the clit is

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 13d

Why wife insists that Sir Mix-a-lot's "Monsta Mack" is not a Halloween song. Come on, it's got 'monsta' right in the title!

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 14d

a couple of squirrels are holding a large apple in their hands .

Alt: Cartoon characters Chip and Dale are eating big red apples.

media.tenor.com

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 14d

I'm happy with my current brand of mayo, thanks.

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 16d

Tired: The Panera lemonade that kills you.

Wired: Platform double suede, disco lemonade.

BaltimoreOctopus @baltimoreoctopus.bsky.social · 16d

If you were getting raptured, why would you need to make money beforehand by selling stuff?