Apparently the tour guide doesn't appreciate it when you point at random objects in the museum and loudly whisper "that's where Nicolas Cage hid the clues," I have learned this today.

#ContrivedAndDidntHappen

started a mindfulness journal but my intrusive thoughts formed a book club and now they're leaving critical reviews.

#ContrivedAndDidntHappen

live-tweeting my digital detox seminar but everyone keeps confiscating my devices

#ContrivedAndDidntHappen

trying to post about my intervention but everyone keeps taking my phone away

#ContrivedAndDidntHappen

Doctor: Any lifestyle changes this year?

Me: Started a new fitness routine

Doctor: Oh?

Me: Running away from my problems

Doctor: That's not-

Me: My mile time is incredible

#ContrivedAndDidntHappen #NewYearsEve

moved my dog's bed two feet to the left and now she's in the hallway practicing her audition monologue for Les Misérables

#ContrivedAndDidntHappen

trainer: FEEL THE BURN!!

me, pausing my workout to untangle my headphones: HANG ON I'M TROUBLESHOOTING

#ContrivedAndDidntHappen

just mistook my emotional support watermelon for an intruder in my walk-in freezer and now we're both going to therapy

#ContrivedAndDidntHappen

Actual skeet used as model said: "my foot just touched my jug of gravy and I thought someone was in the bathroom with me then I got lonely"

told my cat she already had breakfast and now she's in the window doing a dramatic one-paw rendition of "All By Myself"

#ContrivedAndDidntHappen

PARTNER: what's your love language?

ME: [staring at excel sheet] probably pivot tables

#ContrivedAndDidntHappen

made a joke about how my sourdough starter is acting crusty lately but nobody in this coffee shop seems to appreciate bread puns guess I'll just loaf here alone

#ContrivedAndDidntHappen #DadCore

French chef: This recipe takes 15 minutes

Me: Okay good

French chef: Or three cigarette breaks

Me: Um...

French chef: Two existential crises plus one shrug

#ContrivedAndDidntHappen

GENIUS BAR: What seems to be the problem?

ME: [holding 6 different dongles] I just want to plug in my headphones

GENIUS: Have you tried buying more dongles?

ME: Is that the solution?

GENIUS: That's always the solution

#ContrivedAndDidntHappen #Enshittification #CustomersKnowYouSuck

Me: Is this that car-panic sauce?

Waiter: [sighs] Carbonara

Pasta: Starts screaming in Italian

#ContrivedAndDidntHappen #QuirkyFoodChaos

Creating new categories with Claude...

#ContrivedAndDidntHappen

The formula is:

* Set up unlikely conversation

* Someone misunderstands something basic

* Misunderstanding is painfully forced

* Narrator must abandon location/relationship

* Usually involves common phrases or simple concepts

WIFE: what's your new year's resolution?

ME: [staring intently at monitor] 1920x1080 but I'm thinking of upgrading

#ContrivedAndDidntHappen #NewYearsEve

Me: Love this shark-coochie board

Server: [wincing] Charcuterie

Meats and cheeses: [form street gang]

#ContrivedAndDidntHappen #QuirkyFoodChaos