I CAN'T EVEN MAKE THE JOKES I WANT TO, THIS IS SO NOT FAIR

Uhhhh I can't reply the shit I would like to but suffice to say I loved your wife's cousin in a very specific way.

sadly, I assure you, it is very true. also he and his friends have golf tourneys. he's traveled to various cities to play golf or watch golfing events, spending thousands of dollars. I thought it was funny but then I realized that falling off a cliff is too but I don't need to do THAT.

I realized he just wanted to be an outdoor alcoholic

it was the fact that he has a TRAMP STAMP of a golf related reference

at this rate I will never get fucked which is PROBABLY my end goal anyway; gotta love edging from the bottom

I fucked a guy whose entire personality is golf this year & I need to clear my conscience

proceeding to the checkpoint now, comrade

scream out BIG GAY HEART for me please :)

Yikes. It does not sound like he's doing well. I hope he finds his way back to a good place.

LEFTIST FUN BAGS ONLY!!!

to be fair, they are really nice boobs but unfortunately they are attached to a bigot so forget her & her giant jugs

I'm pretty sure the burrito hit Josh in the head, but at least it was wrapped in foil. (It was my half eaten leftovers & I definitely did NOT get it back after throwing it at him)

stoned anything is usually fun except for probably open heart surgery

My best friend was livid because she'd organized a dinner for all her LA friends to meet me, her alleged "awesome" best friend from NYC, but I was unhinged & threw a tinfoil wrapped, half eaten burrito at her boyfriend at el coyote while the lady from Pussycat Dolls glowered at us

I called my ex from a fancy telephone in a bathroom in a recording studio to tell him "I'm in a bathroom in a record studio on the phone" & then added "I'm running away to Vegas to marry an English metal drummer who wants a green card" & he was like "what is wrong with you?"

this was my era of too much cheap red wine & copious Xanax footballs dispatched down my throat; I call it my romantic period. I loved everyone in a very bad way & treated them all terribly.

I mean, it's good to have goals.