"Gather round, kids!"
Honestly, don't take advice from half asleep Tom on this or anything else.

"Just get a job where you don't need a DBS check", you say?
Oh, mate. I've fucking TRIED. But with my CV, apparently no bastard will hire me for anything unrelated to healthcare or education.
If anyone has any tips or tricks to help me out of this hell loop, I'm all ears. I'm made entirely of ears.

I know DAMN well that there's no criminal convictions, dodgy firings, or skeletons in my closet that could be causing any concern.

So it's either
"Oi, what's with the name changes? You a spy or something?"
Or
"Oh noes! A tran! We must guard their shameful secret!"

I'm so fucking exhausted.

Plot Twist!
I've just found out that my application has basically restarted itself. It's now saying I'm back at the "let's check if they're a wrong'un" stage.
I've emailed the Sensitive Applications Team to see if they can figure out the problem. I'm going to try to chase it up more tomorrow.

Since then, I've been in limbo. DBS checks can take a few weeks, but it's getting silly. Fortunately, the HR person from New Job is very patient and understanding.
I checked my progress via the DBS website last week: it said they were pretty much done: literally printing the certificate. Huzzah!

I'm *not* closeted. I don't WANT to work for an employer who'll freak out if they find out that I am trans.
I was very open about my trans identity with my prospective employers. They were lovely about it.

So when I was offered the job, I just applied for the DBS check via their online system.

Many employers have online systems to process DBS applications. These systems don't give you a "sensitive applications team" option.
If I were a *closeted* trans applicant, I'd have to out myself to my employer, in order to access the confidentiality of the Sensitive Applications Team.
However...

I was in the process of getting some regular freelance clients to help me get myself into the "safe around kids and disabled people" employment bracket.
But then I actually got a "proper" job offer - which required a DBS check.

There's a "sensitive applications" team who deal with trans people's applications. They can theoretically fix it so that you aren't outed to employers.
I got in touch with them to try to get DBS'd for freelance work, but you can't get a DBS check yourself: an employer has to apply for you.

The Disclosure and Barring Service is the UK's "check if this person wanting to work with young/vulnerable people is a wrong'un" safeguarding mechanism. I've been getting DBS checks for decades.
I never had a problem until I became Officially Trans.

Suddenly, it's gone all Sisyphean on me.

Omg I think I’m female to malevolent

I, on the other hand, have done a shit load of said malarkey. I don't identify as a man, but as long as whoever I'm talking to has grasped "not a she" I couldn't give 2 shits where else they put me on the gender spectrum. He, they, "yer one": it's all good.

A friend of mine coined "gendermeh" a few years ago: as a way to describe their being *technically* "cis" - but only because they couldn't be arsed with all the coming out, changing pronouns, dealing with the GIC malarkey.

Ah the famous mnemonic:
"Rizzle Frizzle
Laydon Haydon."

3 days since I wrote to you

Said I ate all the plums

But hey, what are you gonna do?

Yesterday you just smiled at me:

So sweet, so cold.

I hope that you'll forgive me.