i spent the past few days dissociating about my classes and thankfully the work load was doable but hopefully next week i can have a better pace

the only way i'd get a more new used car rn is if i could trade in my old one for the down payment and pay like $200/month max but there's no way in hell that's happening with my credit

happy friday :) lol

if i can get through this week of assignments i'll feel better about things i think. it's so hard though. there's so many other things i want to do instead of schoolwork rn.

i've been trying so hard to forgive and be nice to myself for the low motivation and stress/anxiety with certain things. bad sleep schedule and struggling to keep up with chores. i feel so much guilt about it. i feel like a mess rn.

tw family death //

but i know deep down it's fucking with me too. there was a lot of loss in my family in 2025 and it feels so unreal sometimes. i'll be ok, it's life, but damn.

tw family death //

aside from all that, this time of the year has also been very rough for me mentally. it just passed 1 year since my grandmother suddenly passed and at the start of next month it'll be a year since my other grandmother passed. i've been coping by not thinking abt it/dissociating

and i don't want to just drop out of college again without a job or something lined up. i don't want to struggle and have to ask for donations or try to push more subs or whatever with streams because that shit makes me so miserable. i'd rather do literally anything else. so...idk i just feel stuck.

if i'm honest with myself my motivation right now is in streaming and making stuff again. i feel the most fulfilled when i can do that and i can feel myself starting to get depressed because i know i can't focus on streaming while i'm taking classes.

i've been trying over the past few months to find a job so maybe i could do college classes part time instead since it might be a little easier for me but i haven't heard back from any yet.

i want to learn things that will lead to a career but unfortunately it's also a survival thing at this point. i'm in college full-time and the grants and student loans help me get by. if I didn't have that i'm not sure what i would do.

i get creators deciding to stay if they have good reach there but i have better reach on tiktok and bsky at this point so like...i'm good lol

tw family death //

i know it's just life. relatives get older, the older generations start to die, but man i never thought it would start to happen so fast. my grandma (mom's mom) i think was the most shocking because of how she passed suddenly and i think about and miss her probably the most.

tw family death //

i also recently lost my great aunt and uncle a few months apart as well. one in august and one last week. i was around them a lot growing up and have a lot of holiday memories of them.

just... there's been a lot of loss in my family this year. shit ain't fair.