Lance Carter
@standup-comedy.co.uk
I'm a standup comedian in London, but like one of the bad ones you see when your local pub does a free comedy night and you wish you'd just stayed in and watched Netflix instead.
My Bluesky Wrapped just dropped!
a dirt road with a blue sky in the background and a gif from gifbin.com
ALT: a dirt road with a blue sky in the background and a gif from gifbin.com
media.tenor.com
December 13, 2025 at 12:57 PM
My Bluesky Wrapped just dropped!
Open mics in London are booking spots for March 🫠
December 12, 2025 at 10:39 PM
Open mics in London are booking spots for March 🫠
If you grew up in a small town, you have 100% seen a group of lads in jolly Santa hats knocking the shit out of each other on a Saturday night outside a Yates Wine Lodge during December.
December 10, 2025 at 7:41 PM
If you grew up in a small town, you have 100% seen a group of lads in jolly Santa hats knocking the shit out of each other on a Saturday night outside a Yates Wine Lodge during December.
The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind but for politics.
December 10, 2025 at 9:04 AM
The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind but for politics.
The problem with having a full time job and three kids and trying to do standup as well is that it doesn't leave you with much time for sitting around in the dark, drinking scotch and listening to meloncholy 90s alt-rock.
December 9, 2025 at 3:36 PM
The problem with having a full time job and three kids and trying to do standup as well is that it doesn't leave you with much time for sitting around in the dark, drinking scotch and listening to meloncholy 90s alt-rock.
A few suggestions...
That’s not chocolate.
December 9, 2025 at 12:58 PM
A few suggestions...
Grimly fascinated by how almost everybody I know, ranging from full on communists, centrist dads, small c conservatives, to GB News brainrot zombies, have universally decided that this is Absolutely The Worst Government in History.
Did the last 14 years not happen? Did I dream it all?
Did the last 14 years not happen? Did I dream it all?
December 9, 2025 at 9:59 AM
Grimly fascinated by how almost everybody I know, ranging from full on communists, centrist dads, small c conservatives, to GB News brainrot zombies, have universally decided that this is Absolutely The Worst Government in History.
Did the last 14 years not happen? Did I dream it all?
Did the last 14 years not happen? Did I dream it all?
I went to see this at the weekend and had to pretend it wasn't awful, because the tickets were a birthday gift from wife: www.chortle.co.uk/review/2025/...
The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy : Reviews 2025 : Chortle : The UK Comedy Guide
The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy - Revew of the live experience at the Riverside Studios, Hammersmith
www.chortle.co.uk
December 9, 2025 at 8:48 AM
I went to see this at the weekend and had to pretend it wasn't awful, because the tickets were a birthday gift from wife: www.chortle.co.uk/review/2025/...
Shirley Manson being unnecessarily harsh to a fan over something completely trivial just makes her even hotter tbh.
December 8, 2025 at 11:31 AM
Shirley Manson being unnecessarily harsh to a fan over something completely trivial just makes her even hotter tbh.
Characters like Scrooge and The Grinch are designed to shame people into profligacy, demanding they abandon prudence and participate in conspicuous consumerism, all in the name of "Christmas Spirit" no matter the impact on their family's financial security...
1/73
1/73
December 8, 2025 at 8:07 AM
Characters like Scrooge and The Grinch are designed to shame people into profligacy, demanding they abandon prudence and participate in conspicuous consumerism, all in the name of "Christmas Spirit" no matter the impact on their family's financial security...
1/73
1/73
Your laws do not apply to me.
December 7, 2025 at 10:47 AM
Your laws do not apply to me.
The barmaid who runs our local pub quiz has a reading age of 7/8 - she can't get through a single question without stumbling over at least one word, spelling out the ones she can't pronounce.
It's oddly wholesome - she perseveres unbothered, and the patrons all help her out with the tricky words.
It's oddly wholesome - she perseveres unbothered, and the patrons all help her out with the tricky words.
December 5, 2025 at 7:45 PM
The barmaid who runs our local pub quiz has a reading age of 7/8 - she can't get through a single question without stumbling over at least one word, spelling out the ones she can't pronounce.
It's oddly wholesome - she perseveres unbothered, and the patrons all help her out with the tricky words.
It's oddly wholesome - she perseveres unbothered, and the patrons all help her out with the tricky words.
Manager left, they gave me his job. People immediately started asking questions I don't have answers for. Turned off Slack and starting vacuuming my office rug instead. This has all been a horrible mistake.
December 4, 2025 at 10:40 AM
Manager left, they gave me his job. People immediately started asking questions I don't have answers for. Turned off Slack and starting vacuuming my office rug instead. This has all been a horrible mistake.
Remember when people would just call you randomly without warning, and expect you to have a conversation on the spot, without giving you any time to mentally prepare? Mental. How did we live like that?
December 4, 2025 at 8:45 AM
Remember when people would just call you randomly without warning, and expect you to have a conversation on the spot, without giving you any time to mentally prepare? Mental. How did we live like that?
All of my kids, and a lockable door.
December 2, 2025 at 12:02 PM
All of my kids, and a lockable door.
The festive season is off to a strong start for me.
December 1, 2025 at 2:18 PM
The festive season is off to a strong start for me.
Ugh, fine...
The Prodigy
Faith No More
Soundgarden
Metallica
Guns n Roses
Because I am your basic model gen-x dad.
The Prodigy
Faith No More
Soundgarden
Metallica
Guns n Roses
Because I am your basic model gen-x dad.
everyone's at it
Broadcast
Biosphere
Low
16 Horsepower
New Model Army
Broadcast
Biosphere
Low
16 Horsepower
New Model Army
none of this should come as a surprise to anyone but here we go
new model army
sonic youth
the prodigy (the very same night iirc)
slim cessna's auto club
finntroll
new model army
sonic youth
the prodigy (the very same night iirc)
slim cessna's auto club
finntroll
November 28, 2025 at 8:36 AM
Ugh, fine...
The Prodigy
Faith No More
Soundgarden
Metallica
Guns n Roses
Because I am your basic model gen-x dad.
The Prodigy
Faith No More
Soundgarden
Metallica
Guns n Roses
Because I am your basic model gen-x dad.
I feel like however you pronounce chorizo, somebody is going to be pissy about it.
November 27, 2025 at 9:48 PM
I feel like however you pronounce chorizo, somebody is going to be pissy about it.
Reposted by Lance Carter
Business idea: I come round your house and use my lack of construction skills to turn it into a shithole to own Rachel Reeves.
I will charge a year of mansion tax for the pleasure.
I will charge a year of mansion tax for the pleasure.
November 27, 2025 at 3:44 PM
Business idea: I come round your house and use my lack of construction skills to turn it into a shithole to own Rachel Reeves.
I will charge a year of mansion tax for the pleasure.
I will charge a year of mansion tax for the pleasure.
Wife putting up xmas decorations with the kids. Youngest started secondary school this year, so we agreed to stop doing Elf on a Shelf. She's just got the Elf out its box and told him it was us moving him around every night, all these years. He had no idea, his mind is blown, his innocence crushed.
November 26, 2025 at 2:36 PM
Wife putting up xmas decorations with the kids. Youngest started secondary school this year, so we agreed to stop doing Elf on a Shelf. She's just got the Elf out its box and told him it was us moving him around every night, all these years. He had no idea, his mind is blown, his innocence crushed.
Taxing unhealthy things, like milkshakes, is a genius move because it forces the very poorest in society to become healthier and more miserable.
November 25, 2025 at 4:35 PM
Taxing unhealthy things, like milkshakes, is a genius move because it forces the very poorest in society to become healthier and more miserable.
Just absolutely murdered a bunch of teenagers in Warzone, and feeling great about myself.
November 23, 2025 at 6:17 PM
Just absolutely murdered a bunch of teenagers in Warzone, and feeling great about myself.
This week I've been offered a promotion at work (convinced I was being made redundant), a spot on a gig (didn't even have to apply), and a bowel cancer screening (have to shit in a jar). Life is going great!
November 21, 2025 at 9:27 AM
This week I've been offered a promotion at work (convinced I was being made redundant), a spot on a gig (didn't even have to apply), and a bowel cancer screening (have to shit in a jar). Life is going great!
Amazon "We need a highly relatable Christmas ad this year."
Ad Agency "Got it, how about one with a bloke doing online shopping while he hides in his PANTRY?"
Ad Agency "Got it, how about one with a bloke doing online shopping while he hides in his PANTRY?"
November 20, 2025 at 6:40 PM
Amazon "We need a highly relatable Christmas ad this year."
Ad Agency "Got it, how about one with a bloke doing online shopping while he hides in his PANTRY?"
Ad Agency "Got it, how about one with a bloke doing online shopping while he hides in his PANTRY?"