SPAMTON G. SPAMTON GUIDE TO CRYPTOGRAPHY
@spamtonguide.bsky.social
SOMETIMES, YOU NEED TO SCRAMBLE YOUR [[Search Warrant Pending Tax Fraud Investigation]] INTO A [[Nothing to See Here, Officer]]!!! THAT'S WHERE [Encryption] COMES IN!! FIRST, YOU HAVE YOUR [Plaintext]! THAT’S THE GOOD STUFF! THE [[Unfiltered Honesty]]!!
COMBINE WITH [[HKDF]]!! THAT'S HMAC-BASED KEY DERIVATION!! THE RESULT?? A [[Master Secret]]?? MASTER OF [[Absolutely Nothing]]!!
October 26, 2025 at 7:06 AM
COMBINE WITH [[HKDF]]!! THAT'S HMAC-BASED KEY DERIVATION!! THE RESULT?? A [[Master Secret]]?? MASTER OF [[Absolutely Nothing]]!!
FINALLY [[DH3]]!! EPHEMERAL TO ONE-TIME!! [[Use It and Lose It]]!! LIKE MY [[First Marriage]]!! LIKE MY [[Second Marriage]]!! LIKE MY [[Third Marriage]]!! LIKE MY [[Fourth Marriage]]!! LIKE MY
October 26, 2025 at 7:06 AM
FINALLY [[DH3]]!! EPHEMERAL TO ONE-TIME!! [[Use It and Lose It]]!! LIKE MY [[First Marriage]]!! LIKE MY [[Second Marriage]]!! LIKE MY [[Third Marriage]]!! LIKE MY [[Fourth Marriage]]!! LIKE MY
THEN [[DH2]]!! EPHEMERAL TO IDENTITY!! YOUR [[Temporary Feelings]] MIXED WITH YOUR [[Permanent Damage]]!! JUST LIKE MY [[Customer Reviews]]!! [[1.3 Stars]]!! [[Would Not Recommend]]!!
October 26, 2025 at 7:05 AM
THEN [[DH2]]!! EPHEMERAL TO IDENTITY!! YOUR [[Temporary Feelings]] MIXED WITH YOUR [[Permanent Damage]]!! JUST LIKE MY [[Customer Reviews]]!! [[1.3 Stars]]!! [[Would Not Recommend]]!!
THE SENDER DOES [[DH1]]!! IDENTITY TO SIGNED!! THAT'S WHEN YOUR [[Personal Brand]] MEETS YOUR [[Legal Signature]]!! LIKE WHEN I SIGNED THAT [[Legally Binding Contract]] WITH A [[Glue Stick]]!!
October 26, 2025 at 7:05 AM
THE SENDER DOES [[DH1]]!! IDENTITY TO SIGNED!! THAT'S WHEN YOUR [[Personal Brand]] MEETS YOUR [[Legal Signature]]!! LIKE WHEN I SIGNED THAT [[Legally Binding Contract]] WITH A [[Glue Stick]]!!
NOW FOR THE [[Triple Handshake]]!! [[Designed by the Cryptographers You've Come To Expect]]!!!
FORWARD SECRECY!! FORWARD INTO [[The Abyss]]!! BACKWARD INTO THAT [[Third Grade Moment]]!!
FORWARD SECRECY!! FORWARD INTO [[The Abyss]]!! BACKWARD INTO THAT [[Third Grade Moment]]!!
October 26, 2025 at 7:04 AM
NOW FOR THE [[Triple Handshake]]!! [[Designed by the Cryptographers You've Come To Expect]]!!!
FORWARD SECRECY!! FORWARD INTO [[The Abyss]]!! BACKWARD INTO THAT [[Third Grade Moment]]!!
FORWARD SECRECY!! FORWARD INTO [[The Abyss]]!! BACKWARD INTO THAT [[Third Grade Moment]]!!
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT, KID! ONE-TIME PAD! [[Use Once, Cry Once]] SECURITY THAT’S JUST LIKE MY [[Deals]], [[Mathematically Flawless, Practically Hopeless]]!!
August 29, 2025 at 2:40 PM
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT, KID! ONE-TIME PAD! [[Use Once, Cry Once]] SECURITY THAT’S JUST LIKE MY [[Deals]], [[Mathematically Flawless, Practically Hopeless]]!!
THIS IS WHY ONE-TIME PADS ARE [[Perfect in Theory]]!! [[Awful in Practice]]!! JUST LIKE MY [[Gluten-Free Lasagna]]!!! BUT WHEN THEY WORK?? THEY REALLY WORK!! THEY’RE [[Mathematically Proven Unbreakable]]!! MORE UNBREAKABLE THAN MY [[Credit Score After Bankruptcy]]!!
August 29, 2025 at 2:39 PM
THIS IS WHY ONE-TIME PADS ARE [[Perfect in Theory]]!! [[Awful in Practice]]!! JUST LIKE MY [[Gluten-Free Lasagna]]!!! BUT WHEN THEY WORK?? THEY REALLY WORK!! THEY’RE [[Mathematically Proven Unbreakable]]!! MORE UNBREAKABLE THAN MY [[Credit Score After Bankruptcy]]!!
BUT THIS ISN’T A [[Two for One Special]], KRIS! THAT KEY IS A [[Once in a Lifetime Deal]]!! YOU GOTTA [[Use it and Lose it]], KID! AND YOU HAVE TO SHARE THE KEY [[Securely]]!! HOW DO YOU GET A KEY THAT LONG TO YOUR FRIEND?? MAIL IT?? CARRY IT?? CARVE IT INTO [[1,000 Watermelons]]??
August 29, 2025 at 2:38 PM
BUT THIS ISN’T A [[Two for One Special]], KRIS! THAT KEY IS A [[Once in a Lifetime Deal]]!! YOU GOTTA [[Use it and Lose it]], KID! AND YOU HAVE TO SHARE THE KEY [[Securely]]!! HOW DO YOU GET A KEY THAT LONG TO YOUR FRIEND?? MAIL IT?? CARRY IT?? CARVE IT INTO [[1,000 Watermelons]]??
YOU COMBINE THEM WITH [[XOR]]!! THAT’S [[Exclusive Order for Valued Customer]]!! THE RESULT?? [Ciphertext]!! UNREADABLE TO ANYONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE KEY!! TO THEM IT LOOKS LIKE [[Static on a Broken TV]]!! TO YOU IT’S [[Security Blanket]]!!
August 29, 2025 at 2:36 PM
YOU COMBINE THEM WITH [[XOR]]!! THAT’S [[Exclusive Order for Valued Customer]]!! THE RESULT?? [Ciphertext]!! UNREADABLE TO ANYONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE KEY!! TO THEM IT LOOKS LIKE [[Static on a Broken TV]]!! TO YOU IT’S [[Security Blanket]]!!
FIRST, YOU TAKE YOUR [Plaintext]!! YOUR [[Deepest Thoughts]]!! YOUR [[Unpaid Parking Tickets]]!! THEN YOU MIX IT WITH A [[Truly Random Key]]!! SAME LENGTH!! EXACTLY THE SAME LENGTH!! NOT ONE BIT SHORTER!! NOT ONE BIT LONGER!! OR ELSE YOU GET [[Garbage Noise]]!!
August 29, 2025 at 2:34 PM
FIRST, YOU TAKE YOUR [Plaintext]!! YOUR [[Deepest Thoughts]]!! YOUR [[Unpaid Parking Tickets]]!! THEN YOU MIX IT WITH A [[Truly Random Key]]!! SAME LENGTH!! EXACTLY THE SAME LENGTH!! NOT ONE BIT SHORTER!! NOT ONE BIT LONGER!! OR ELSE YOU GET [[Garbage Noise]]!!