I did try n talk with a in the dream for tho like it was those two n t for some reason but I like cracked some jokes n none of them landed n it was rly awkward
foresight type shit
tho apparently dreams are based off of like subconscious concerns n thoughts so realistically I'm js projecting that

I still kinda believe in dreams being related to stuff it's kinda funny but a little sad I don't think my like basis on e was like appearance based but they had like a comically bad trim n looked rly masc for some reason but that made dream me like fully change my opinion on them
mad

there's a couple specific things I wanna talk abt but I've actually kept track of them this time I've got a note thingy where I write a few questions down
or like less questions more just things to talk abt or stuff I wanna tell her that I never got round to or had the chance

tho without context it prolly seems like it's entirely abt e which like
being completely fr I kinda forgot
like I still think abt her but yknow sometimes
I'll check the msgs "oh it's still on delivered cool" n that's kinda it idk
maybe I'll dm on discord or smth else post j meet who knows

ik it's happened in the past but I wonder sometimes how much on like the scale he's distancing himself from me sometimes
like ik the point originally was so he could focus on himself n get his stuff sorted but highk I don't blame him if he js didn't wanna deal w me I'd be fed up too

I'm real I'm normal I'm human

idk how silly this is but part of the pushing things away mentality is like I feel more normal the more I convince myself I am
so like confronting the fact that I'm not even if it helps in the long run highk sucks bc I don't wanna feel not normal
I'm so normal I'm as much of a person as anyone else

kinda falls apart when my councillor, group counseling leader, parents n friends are telling me I should go to the gp for diagnosis

just continuously "three more years" like I'm a gambling addict or smth why can't I just stop now n go out on my own terms

Last time I took the advice fine I'll keep going I'll stay alive 3 years later the past few years have been the most unbearable miserable existence ever why the fuck would I wanna keep going

woke up too early n js let my brain run for an hour n got rly sentimental abt the past n ppl I knew, things I could've done to change things
I rly didn't care too much abt making friends I should've put way more effort in
euuggghh I gotta kms I js don't rly wanna do this anymore

n B. idk if I'm tripping but it feels like they're avoiding me like tbf I had a chance to talk to her n I did pretty much the same thing I js didn't have the energy gng it was at the end of my shift,,
like it'd be nice to talk bc it'd be kinda funny if we both presented fem at the Xmas party but idk

ngl idrk if I wanna it'd be cool to have more trans friends but based on A. them at a base chatting shit abt e first time we talked in years when they were (at the time lol) my best friend like