i dont know. i suck. im alone. im going to die alone. i feel like crying …..

i have friends. two IRL friends here. and i miss them. but like i just dont see myself around those people really. i get a sense that one of them wants me in her polycule and that makes me awfully uncomfortable. i dont see her in that sense, she’s nothing more than friend.

i dont know. i miss him. and his company. my friends would tell me they refuse to move to where i’m at.

so basically im just stuck here.

and it feels like him saying “save your money” a lot is just his way of pushing me further away.

some guy i liked for half of my life pushed me away. my dreams with him got shattered and i’m still not recovered by that.

i wish my bf moved in with me or vice versa but it feels like at this point, i’m just dreaming that. i sometimes, or, often think it wont come true.
he wont move
nor likes the idea of me living there because his city sucks or i need to save money constantly.

i’ve been living here going on 3 years, i dont plan on moving out anytime soon.

but i just feel awfully lonesome. its been a reoccurring thing.

i sometimes wish i had roommates, or i could live peacefully with someone.

living at home, i wasnt “lonely”, even tho my parents were annoyed by my existence, they were there to keep me company. when i isolated more and more, i realized if i ever left, there wouldnt be anyone. all i could do was draw constantly.

i cant rly vent this anywhere else lol. uhhhh i guess if you read this, dont mind me. maybe go support my boyfriend, i’m not worth any kind of support, streaming wise

i want my art block to be gone so i can draw a lot more. i definitely NEED and SHOULD just go back to doing art 100% of the time.

so many reasons. i just overall feel like a shit friend. ive pissed off and upset people. ive been in MORE problems this year than when i did things on my own.

it’s mostly my partners friends being complete assholes to me. its me going back to feeling distant. i just dont like people.

i dont do collabs often, i really only “collab” with the same people, if possible. it’s to a point where some friends i play with have called us hanging out “collabs”.

i’m simultaneously sick of collabs but i WANT to do them.

literally i have three friends and my bf show up. otherwise everyone else just stopped. my “mods” stopped showing up to my streams, some of which stopped because i’m friends with someone they dont like (my bf is friends with them too but they dont do this to him).

my bf said “but they were there on your stream”, no they were not. they were ONLY on YOUR stream, not mine.

these ppl dont show up to my stream because double standards. they wont show up because WE ARE BOTH FRIENDS with the same ppl they dislike, but i got the heat for that do i?

actually let me get rid of that bit on main.

this year is still absolute dog shit.

dont worry about losing or distancing people because of me.

sigh.

i complained so much this year.

and it just feels like i’m not being seen as a “girlfriend”. like i’m so tempted to look another way for attention.

he’ll be fine. he has friends to be with. i dont really have friends. he has his own people who HATE me. he dont gotta worry about that.

a lewd doggo :3 teehee.

i should get some ideas made after work tbh.