The only home I can afford.
November 24, 2025 at 4:17 PM
The only home I can afford.
I should be able to barter dinosaur jokes for healthcare.
November 23, 2025 at 7:36 PM
I should be able to barter dinosaur jokes for healthcare.
Love being the guy who still wears shorts in winter. Laugh all you want. I save 50% on pants. “There he goes. Ol’ thermos legs.” I can’t hear you. I’m too rich and my legs are too warm.
November 23, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Love being the guy who still wears shorts in winter. Laugh all you want. I save 50% on pants. “There he goes. Ol’ thermos legs.” I can’t hear you. I’m too rich and my legs are too warm.
Remember when someone would throw up at school so the janitor would dump a pile of sawdust on it? That's what Subway's bread smells like.
November 22, 2025 at 5:18 PM
Remember when someone would throw up at school so the janitor would dump a pile of sawdust on it? That's what Subway's bread smells like.
If in doubt, go big.
November 20, 2025 at 3:56 PM
If in doubt, go big.
Perfect date: Holding hands while we walk around town clotheslining people who stop to look at their phone in the middle of the sidewalk.
November 20, 2025 at 3:15 PM
Perfect date: Holding hands while we walk around town clotheslining people who stop to look at their phone in the middle of the sidewalk.
Booty sneezes will get you.
November 18, 2025 at 3:51 PM
Booty sneezes will get you.
She’s got me covered.
November 17, 2025 at 3:18 PM
She’s got me covered.
Half of my screen time is just looking through all the funny videos my girlfriend sends me so I can finally look for new ones to send her. Relationships aren't work if you love the grind.
November 16, 2025 at 4:48 PM
Half of my screen time is just looking through all the funny videos my girlfriend sends me so I can finally look for new ones to send her. Relationships aren't work if you love the grind.
Trader Joe’s mixes flavors like they’re trying every combination on a lock.
November 14, 2025 at 3:22 AM
Trader Joe’s mixes flavors like they’re trying every combination on a lock.
Are you ever so tired in the morning you don’t even remember driving to work? That how I feel about the last 10 years.
November 14, 2025 at 12:52 AM
Are you ever so tired in the morning you don’t even remember driving to work? That how I feel about the last 10 years.
Honestly it could be.
November 13, 2025 at 3:11 PM
Honestly it could be.
Depression ain’t just a river in Megypt
November 13, 2025 at 2:40 AM
Depression ain’t just a river in Megypt
Everyone’s back hurts and we pay taxes. Walking upright was a mistake.
November 12, 2025 at 3:38 PM
Everyone’s back hurts and we pay taxes. Walking upright was a mistake.
I’ve only said “I love you” to a couple people and meant it but also every single dog.
November 10, 2025 at 3:13 PM
I’ve only said “I love you” to a couple people and meant it but also every single dog.
I’m kind, not friendly. There’s a difference.
November 6, 2025 at 4:39 PM
I’m kind, not friendly. There’s a difference.
Just found my first grey pube. Gonna tape it to my wall like a small business’ first dollar.
November 3, 2025 at 2:59 PM
Just found my first grey pube. Gonna tape it to my wall like a small business’ first dollar.
A dog’s ear will clean your iPhone screen as well as any microfiber cloth.
October 30, 2025 at 2:16 PM
A dog’s ear will clean your iPhone screen as well as any microfiber cloth.
I mean, they really should.
October 30, 2025 at 2:08 PM
I mean, they really should.
Reposted by Mike Primavera
hello I cannot come to work today I am busy thinking about sad ghost pigeons slowly sinking down through the statues they loved to sit on in life
June 26, 2023 at 11:45 AM
hello I cannot come to work today I am busy thinking about sad ghost pigeons slowly sinking down through the statues they loved to sit on in life