I came up with this at midnight because my downstairs neighbor has taken the opposite of a vow of silence

I keep a jar of unsalted roasted peanuts in the break room at my job, and twice someone has taken the entire jar when it was more than ¾ full. That is to say, I feel that that opinion is too gracious toward the wicked soul of the Coworker.

asshole drivers create traffic with aggressive driving, overly "nice" drivers create traffic by breaking its flow, and normal drivers are pressured to become one of them to avoid dealing with the other

what can i say, i like a big man and i like big chunky dad watches

our evil empire is the good one

(half-turning on my way to clock out) not my job, not my prob

sometimes tigers

After closing one egregious loophole, the league realizes their mistake in the opening of the next season: there's no rule that says a dog can't coach basketball