getting to unleash torrent of vitriolic screaming on her without getting my teeth punched out would heal me, probably

insulting my mother out loud to myself throughout the day is also very effective

did you know that C-PTSD induced trauma responses become manageable when you forgive yourself and spend time self-soothing, which in turn makes day-to-day chores easier to do?

big if true

I wish I could spirit away my dog and his littermate from her and I can just go NC

wish that shit wasn’t so goddamn complicated and risky in my current position

I know it’s a matter of “when” and not “if” at this point, but knuckling through this feels like passing a fucking kidney stone

the thing I fucking dread and loathe about the last three months of the year is how each month has a holiday weekend that forces me to be around this emotionally abusive lunatic

she’s not happy unless she’s making someone else miserable to feel better about herself

fucking asshole

she just wants someone to attack and yell whenever she feels like it, and I’m sick to death of being her favorite punching bag

those right-wing articles/rants she sends me get so enraging that I want to shove that iPad up her ass

even if I ignored the text, she would’ve still brought it up later on Thanksgiving and fought with me then

Idk why I bother explaining basic facts to someone so pigheaded and unwilling to listen to anything other than RW lies she feeds herself

and I gotta spend the next few days with her! fun

my feelings get especially harder to deal with around this time of year because I’m around my family more frequently, for longer periods of time

and I can only take so much of that environment before I’m badly triggered or the many little nicks I sustain start festering

the wound created by an abusive parent incapable of any healthy form of love is a bottomless pit of pain and misery that nobody should have to feel

I don’t like feeling what I feel and thinking what I think, but I can’t help it otherwise

my dog is all I have to keep me sane in that hellhole

I’m glad I’ve started journaling at the direction of my therapist because it’s a very welcome outlet for me

I don’t mind venting here, but the baggage and resentment I have is so overwhelming that I need to physically write it down for my own mental health

my mother doesn’t even have to be all that irritating or awful during a visit, it’s just a deeply toxic and dysfunctional environment

the “react first, ask questions later” thing she does, her self-assured willful ignorance, and snippy digs at me all just build up to the point I collapse into tears

“Once you've been to a country in the Global South in 2025, you'll never stop wanting to beat Elon Musk to death with your bare hands” — Anthony Bourdain about the USAID cuts, probably

it’s vexing and stressful as fuck

no wonder everyone’s anxiety increases whenever we’re in her house

we may be genetically predisposed to GAD on both sides, but there’s only one person who stokes our anxiety more than anyone else

some of it is her getting angry that they don’t just automatically know what she wants, which she reads as ingratitude

she’s shit at communicating and will make it everyone else’s problem if you don’t read her signals or pick up on any hints

idk like…I’m sure there’s truth on some level that my sister and brother-in-law haven’t been as considerate of my mother than the should be

but also, she’s good for complaining behind their backs and stewing in her own juices about shit without breathing a word to the ppl she’s mad at

there’s a reason I’ve been slowly weaning myself off financial help from her, it’s like taking money from the fucking yakuza or Italian mafia

you get the money but it comes at the price of being as complacent as possible, or there’s hell to pay