Matt Ruby
@mattruby.bsky.social
Comedian/Writer. Join over 16k subscribers and get my funny newsletter in your inbox: https://mattruby.substack.com/
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Matt Ruby
@mattruby.bsky.social
· May 15
Get my Substack in your inbox. Jokes, videos, essays, and other groovy goodies. Over 16K subscribers.
“The best emailed comedy newsletter coming from anyone today."
-Robert Bostick, HumorPoint
📰 mattruby.substack.com
“The best emailed comedy newsletter coming from anyone today."
-Robert Bostick, HumorPoint
📰 mattruby.substack.com
Women appreciate a man who can cry. Though it does depend on WHY you're crying. It's about your dead mom? Refreshing. It's because your car got towed? Ehhhhhhh...
December 28, 2025 at 12:13 AM
Women appreciate a man who can cry. Though it does depend on WHY you're crying. It's about your dead mom? Refreshing. It's because your car got towed? Ehhhhhhh...
Boomers starred in "Cocoon." Gen Z lives in one.
December 27, 2025 at 10:13 PM
Boomers starred in "Cocoon." Gen Z lives in one.
The best thing about sex is no ads.
December 27, 2025 at 4:35 PM
The best thing about sex is no ads.
Instagram ads: “You want an electronic cleaner for your chewguard, dontcha?” And I’m like, “Damn, you’re good.”
TV ads: “You have Chron's disease and your wife wants a Lexus SUV with a bow for Xmas, right?” Me: “Wow, you don’t know me AT ALL.”
TV ads: “You have Chron's disease and your wife wants a Lexus SUV with a bow for Xmas, right?” Me: “Wow, you don’t know me AT ALL.”
December 25, 2025 at 8:36 PM
Instagram ads: “You want an electronic cleaner for your chewguard, dontcha?” And I’m like, “Damn, you’re good.”
TV ads: “You have Chron's disease and your wife wants a Lexus SUV with a bow for Xmas, right?” Me: “Wow, you don’t know me AT ALL.”
TV ads: “You have Chron's disease and your wife wants a Lexus SUV with a bow for Xmas, right?” Me: “Wow, you don’t know me AT ALL.”
A weird thing about Los Angeles is no one is fat yet there’s a donut shop on every block.
December 24, 2025 at 9:12 PM
A weird thing about Los Angeles is no one is fat yet there’s a donut shop on every block.
Kinda incredible how each "I defend my decision to perform at the Riyadh comedy fest" explanation has been worse than the one before it. Of course, thinking that just means I'm a phony, hypocritical racist bot who doesn't care about the Saudi people or appreciate Chili's...riiiiiight?
December 24, 2025 at 8:25 PM
Kinda incredible how each "I defend my decision to perform at the Riyadh comedy fest" explanation has been worse than the one before it. Of course, thinking that just means I'm a phony, hypocritical racist bot who doesn't care about the Saudi people or appreciate Chili's...riiiiiight?
Weird that we keep saying these guys are redpilled when every podcast they listen to is sponsored by BLUE pills.
December 24, 2025 at 4:54 AM
Weird that we keep saying these guys are redpilled when every podcast they listen to is sponsored by BLUE pills.
"There's no such thing as a stupid question" seems true. And then you start listening to manosphere podcasters...
December 22, 2025 at 7:27 PM
"There's no such thing as a stupid question" seems true. And then you start listening to manosphere podcasters...
"You can’t hide behind art. When you’re playing the real game and you’re taking a full swing at the ball, there’s no denying that you missed."
-Lorne Michaels
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funnyhow.substack.com/p/lorne-mich...
-Lorne Michaels
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funnyhow.substack.com/p/lorne-mich...
Lorne Michaels on alternative comedy
"You can’t hide behind art."
funnyhow.substack.com
December 22, 2025 at 7:11 PM
"You can’t hide behind art. When you’re playing the real game and you’re taking a full swing at the ball, there’s no denying that you missed."
-Lorne Michaels
👇
funnyhow.substack.com/p/lorne-mich...
-Lorne Michaels
👇
funnyhow.substack.com/p/lorne-mich...
Ronald Reagan: "The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'"
Me: "Nah, now it's 'I'm from the suburbs and I'm here to Yelp.'"
Me: "Nah, now it's 'I'm from the suburbs and I'm here to Yelp.'"
December 20, 2025 at 9:22 PM
Ronald Reagan: "The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'"
Me: "Nah, now it's 'I'm from the suburbs and I'm here to Yelp.'"
Me: "Nah, now it's 'I'm from the suburbs and I'm here to Yelp.'"
We've been avatarred and feathered
December 20, 2025 at 9:00 PM
We've been avatarred and feathered
The most homoerotic thing in sports! Two chiseled men take their shirts off, gaze into each other's eyes from mere inches apart, and inquire, "How much do YOU weigh?" All while a roomful of other men photograph them. Y'all fabulous!
December 19, 2025 at 8:00 PM
The most homoerotic thing in sports! Two chiseled men take their shirts off, gaze into each other's eyes from mere inches apart, and inquire, "How much do YOU weigh?" All while a roomful of other men photograph them. Y'all fabulous!
Men bet on sports...so a guy will bet his entire paycheck on the Chiefs to cover the spread.
Women bet on men...so a woman will bet her entire 20s on a guy named Kyle who owns one fork and calls his mom ‘bruh.’
Women bet on men...so a woman will bet her entire 20s on a guy named Kyle who owns one fork and calls his mom ‘bruh.’
December 19, 2025 at 6:22 PM
Men bet on sports...so a guy will bet his entire paycheck on the Chiefs to cover the spread.
Women bet on men...so a woman will bet her entire 20s on a guy named Kyle who owns one fork and calls his mom ‘bruh.’
Women bet on men...so a woman will bet her entire 20s on a guy named Kyle who owns one fork and calls his mom ‘bruh.’
We dump on TikTok a lot but one thing it's done is create the first generation that respects cinematography.
December 18, 2025 at 6:12 PM
We dump on TikTok a lot but one thing it's done is create the first generation that respects cinematography.
Good advice from Christopher Titus: “Whether you kill or bomb, only allow yourself to bask in it for the length of time you were actually on stage then move on or you’re wasting time.”
More on standup at link below...
More on standup at link below...
December 17, 2025 at 5:52 PM
Good advice from Christopher Titus: “Whether you kill or bomb, only allow yourself to bask in it for the length of time you were actually on stage then move on or you’re wasting time.”
More on standup at link below...
More on standup at link below...
NEW Rubesletter coming soon: Nepo Babies > Nepo Widows, Rob Reiner, Diddy vs. the President, and more. Get it in your inbox...
👇
open.substack.com/pub/mattruby...
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open.substack.com/pub/mattruby...
Pet concrete, not propaganda
Nepo Babies > Nepo Widows. Also: All about Rob Reiner and Diddy vs. the President.
open.substack.com
December 17, 2025 at 4:20 PM
NEW Rubesletter coming soon: Nepo Babies > Nepo Widows, Rob Reiner, Diddy vs. the President, and more. Get it in your inbox...
👇
open.substack.com/pub/mattruby...
👇
open.substack.com/pub/mattruby...
Crushing at the Cellar. Jokes about rescue dogs, gender affirming care, politics, the masculinity crisis, conspiracies, neurodivergence, Gen Z, dating, and more. youtu.be/RMOSk8giLjw
Matt Ruby | Live at the Comedy Cellar | Stand-Up Comedy
YouTube video by Matt Ruby
youtu.be
December 16, 2025 at 11:15 PM
Crushing at the Cellar. Jokes about rescue dogs, gender affirming care, politics, the masculinity crisis, conspiracies, neurodivergence, Gen Z, dating, and more. youtu.be/RMOSk8giLjw
My mom took me to see When Harry Met Sally. When the movie ended, she sat there as the credits rolled and said, “Characters. That’s what makes a great story. Great characters. If you care about the people, you’ll follow them anywhere.” Thanks to Rob Reiner for all the great characters.
December 16, 2025 at 9:25 PM
My mom took me to see When Harry Met Sally. When the movie ended, she sat there as the credits rolled and said, “Characters. That’s what makes a great story. Great characters. If you care about the people, you’ll follow them anywhere.” Thanks to Rob Reiner for all the great characters.
We need a transfer portal but for relationships. Each year, you get to either reup for another go round or announce you've decided to try dating in Georgia instead.
December 16, 2025 at 6:44 PM
We need a transfer portal but for relationships. Each year, you get to either reup for another go round or announce you've decided to try dating in Georgia instead.
We need to end cyberbullying. Let's start with Apple's daily Screen Time report. Not fair of Tim Cook to constantly point out how little I have a life.
December 16, 2025 at 4:30 PM
We need to end cyberbullying. Let's start with Apple's daily Screen Time report. Not fair of Tim Cook to constantly point out how little I have a life.
My 🍊 theory: Somewhere, deep down, he thinks every time a person says his name aloud, he gets another second of life.
So when you ask, "Can you believe he ______?" Yes, I can. Because you're talking about it. And, in the end, that's still a victory in his mind.
So when you ask, "Can you believe he ______?" Yes, I can. Because you're talking about it. And, in the end, that's still a victory in his mind.
December 15, 2025 at 8:01 PM
My 🍊 theory: Somewhere, deep down, he thinks every time a person says his name aloud, he gets another second of life.
So when you ask, "Can you believe he ______?" Yes, I can. Because you're talking about it. And, in the end, that's still a victory in his mind.
So when you ask, "Can you believe he ______?" Yes, I can. Because you're talking about it. And, in the end, that's still a victory in his mind.
If your news sources never make you feel uncomfortable with your views, you're actually just consuming propaganda.
December 15, 2025 at 6:12 PM
If your news sources never make you feel uncomfortable with your views, you're actually just consuming propaganda.