Matt Oswalt
@mattoswaltva.bsky.social
remember me? We met on Twitter and would get together every Tuesday afternoon at the Motel 6 outside Fresno.
driving thru Beverly Hills after dentist appointment and mouth still droopy from novocaine I pulled next to a famous actress I've crushed on since I was a teen and I've never felt more like Judge Reinhold from Fast Times in my life.
....and I wasn't even wearing a pirate costume
....and I wasn't even wearing a pirate costume
November 11, 2025 at 11:07 PM
driving thru Beverly Hills after dentist appointment and mouth still droopy from novocaine I pulled next to a famous actress I've crushed on since I was a teen and I've never felt more like Judge Reinhold from Fast Times in my life.
....and I wasn't even wearing a pirate costume
....and I wasn't even wearing a pirate costume
my God, she's gonna chop off Paul Sheldons other foot, isn't she
November 10, 2025 at 10:01 PM
my God, she's gonna chop off Paul Sheldons other foot, isn't she
Ash when the Alien bursts out of Kane's chest
November 6, 2025 at 10:45 PM
Ash when the Alien bursts out of Kane's chest
did my civic duty.
voted then picked up this lime scooter some commie bastard left lying across the sidewalk.
you're welcome, America.
voted then picked up this lime scooter some commie bastard left lying across the sidewalk.
you're welcome, America.
November 5, 2025 at 12:43 AM
did my civic duty.
voted then picked up this lime scooter some commie bastard left lying across the sidewalk.
you're welcome, America.
voted then picked up this lime scooter some commie bastard left lying across the sidewalk.
you're welcome, America.
BREAKING: Alderaan Senator lobbies to change name of Death Star to "Boom Moon"
July 2, 2025 at 12:53 AM
BREAKING: Alderaan Senator lobbies to change name of Death Star to "Boom Moon"
guy wearing MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN HAT and TRUMP 2028 neck tattoo at Piggly Wiggly finding out his food stamps are no longer valid
July 1, 2025 at 7:37 PM
guy wearing MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN HAT and TRUMP 2028 neck tattoo at Piggly Wiggly finding out his food stamps are no longer valid
suspect identified as Greg Gardens
(forgive me, the world is collapsing and all I've got in my arsenal is a $40 gift card to Cheesecake Factory and obscure movie references that maybe 10 people will get)
(forgive me, the world is collapsing and all I've got in my arsenal is a $40 gift card to Cheesecake Factory and obscure movie references that maybe 10 people will get)
June 27, 2025 at 9:26 PM
suspect identified as Greg Gardens
(forgive me, the world is collapsing and all I've got in my arsenal is a $40 gift card to Cheesecake Factory and obscure movie references that maybe 10 people will get)
(forgive me, the world is collapsing and all I've got in my arsenal is a $40 gift card to Cheesecake Factory and obscure movie references that maybe 10 people will get)
Trump upon hearing the assassinations in Minnesota have upstaged his big boy birthday parade
June 14, 2025 at 4:46 PM
Trump upon hearing the assassinations in Minnesota have upstaged his big boy birthday parade
unlike Vietnam or Afghanistan at least the Marines coming to.L.A. know exactly what this fight is all about
June 10, 2025 at 6:07 PM
unlike Vietnam or Afghanistan at least the Marines coming to.L.A. know exactly what this fight is all about
this YouTube video of Stretch Armstrong in a microwave has over 60 million views
I swear if YouTube was around when I was a kid I'd be richer than Mr. Beast
I swear if YouTube was around when I was a kid I'd be richer than Mr. Beast
June 7, 2025 at 11:25 PM
this YouTube video of Stretch Armstrong in a microwave has over 60 million views
I swear if YouTube was around when I was a kid I'd be richer than Mr. Beast
I swear if YouTube was around when I was a kid I'd be richer than Mr. Beast
the only certainties in life are death, taxes, and if you sit at an outdoor café in the valley Jay Leno will drive by
May 27, 2025 at 3:07 AM
the only certainties in life are death, taxes, and if you sit at an outdoor café in the valley Jay Leno will drive by
saw a bobcat on my run this morning but didn't have a camera to document it so I bought this t-shirt to commemorate the occasion
May 15, 2025 at 9:49 PM
saw a bobcat on my run this morning but didn't have a camera to document it so I bought this t-shirt to commemorate the occasion
Happy Mother's Day to my mom who on my 10th birthday took me and my friends to see Xanadu because she thought it was a sequel to Star Wars
May 11, 2025 at 6:15 PM
Happy Mother's Day to my mom who on my 10th birthday took me and my friends to see Xanadu because she thought it was a sequel to Star Wars
flyby outside my window in honor of me getting Wordle in just two tries
May 10, 2025 at 2:33 AM
flyby outside my window in honor of me getting Wordle in just two tries
take any side street in North Hollywood and you'll instantly be transported into a 1970's educational film about the dangers of hitchhiking
MattOswaltPhoto.com
MattOswaltPhoto.com
May 7, 2025 at 9:18 PM
take any side street in North Hollywood and you'll instantly be transported into a 1970's educational film about the dangers of hitchhiking
MattOswaltPhoto.com
MattOswaltPhoto.com
delivery guy on scooter pulled right in front of me but thanks to my superhuman dexterity I was able to swerve around him sparing his life and all the precious Thai food he was entrusted with.
I feel like my work here on Planet Earth is done.
I feel like my work here on Planet Earth is done.
May 6, 2025 at 11:03 PM
delivery guy on scooter pulled right in front of me but thanks to my superhuman dexterity I was able to swerve around him sparing his life and all the precious Thai food he was entrusted with.
I feel like my work here on Planet Earth is done.
I feel like my work here on Planet Earth is done.
when someone wishes me a Happy May the Fourth...
May 4, 2025 at 10:21 PM
when someone wishes me a Happy May the Fourth...
you can keep your PhD's, I want a leader with the courage to stare directly into a solar eclipse until it backs down
April 30, 2025 at 7:37 PM
you can keep your PhD's, I want a leader with the courage to stare directly into a solar eclipse until it backs down
my day begins with an ominous Angelyne drive-by.
Either I'm about to enter a quirky A24 movie or a softcore Cinemax After Dark.
Either I'm about to enter a quirky A24 movie or a softcore Cinemax After Dark.
April 30, 2025 at 5:37 PM
my day begins with an ominous Angelyne drive-by.
Either I'm about to enter a quirky A24 movie or a softcore Cinemax After Dark.
Either I'm about to enter a quirky A24 movie or a softcore Cinemax After Dark.
false alarm, I just forgot my safeword
April 19, 2025 at 10:41 PM
false alarm, I just forgot my safeword
woman in line at CVS pharmacy tried to engage me in her vaccine conspiracy theories and I just politely nodded and took Keanu's advice
April 16, 2025 at 10:43 PM
woman in line at CVS pharmacy tried to engage me in her vaccine conspiracy theories and I just politely nodded and took Keanu's advice
Kathleen Byron, who played the unforgettable Sister Ruth in Black Narcissus, also played older Private Ryan's wife in Saving Private Ryan 50 years later.
I know there are more important things going on in the world but I absolutely love discovering stuff like this.
I know there are more important things going on in the world but I absolutely love discovering stuff like this.
April 13, 2025 at 11:41 PM
Kathleen Byron, who played the unforgettable Sister Ruth in Black Narcissus, also played older Private Ryan's wife in Saving Private Ryan 50 years later.
I know there are more important things going on in the world but I absolutely love discovering stuff like this.
I know there are more important things going on in the world but I absolutely love discovering stuff like this.
BARBER: "How do you want it cut?"
ME: "80s teen movie asshole."
ME: "80s teen movie asshole."
April 7, 2025 at 11:25 PM
BARBER: "How do you want it cut?"
ME: "80s teen movie asshole."
ME: "80s teen movie asshole."
the media still doesn't get it.
Trump is taking ZERO risk. His decisions are specifically made to build his own power and wealth. End of story.
Whether the economy collapses or your parents 401K evaporates is not an issue that ever entered his mind or was even discussed when this plan was devised
Trump is taking ZERO risk. His decisions are specifically made to build his own power and wealth. End of story.
Whether the economy collapses or your parents 401K evaporates is not an issue that ever entered his mind or was even discussed when this plan was devised
April 4, 2025 at 8:30 PM
the media still doesn't get it.
Trump is taking ZERO risk. His decisions are specifically made to build his own power and wealth. End of story.
Whether the economy collapses or your parents 401K evaporates is not an issue that ever entered his mind or was even discussed when this plan was devised
Trump is taking ZERO risk. His decisions are specifically made to build his own power and wealth. End of story.
Whether the economy collapses or your parents 401K evaporates is not an issue that ever entered his mind or was even discussed when this plan was devised
in layman's terms, imagine Nakatomi Plaza is the US Economy, Liberation Day are the detonators, Truth Social are the negotiable bearer bonds, and John McClain is stuck in traffic on the 405 because the navigation app in Argyle's Cyberlimo broke
April 2, 2025 at 4:47 PM
in layman's terms, imagine Nakatomi Plaza is the US Economy, Liberation Day are the detonators, Truth Social are the negotiable bearer bonds, and John McClain is stuck in traffic on the 405 because the navigation app in Argyle's Cyberlimo broke