City Slickers was a much funnier movie before I realized that I am now the same age as the main characters whose lives are falling apart because of their age.

This Christmas I discovered a new “2 types of people” when my cousin’s husband, upon receiving a hardcover book, immediately removed the dust jacket and put it in the trash. Two minutes later, my cousin, discovering this, made him pull it back out and put it back on the book.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a television industry, asking for one crime drama in 2025 that doesn’t use the song “Starburster”

Not counting the amount of time it takes for an Instant Pot to pressurize in a “10 minute” recipe is an absurd lie and we need to stop accepting this.

It would be great if my fight or flight response could tell the difference between “oh no, I’m being chased by a mountain lion!” and “oh no, I have to make a phone call to an amiable person who is already expecting to talk to me”

Water torture is passe—if you want to really torment someone, force them to wait on hold while an automated voice repeatedly reminds them that they can schedule online, for a service that cannot actually be scheduled online.

“I’ll just eat half this bagel and save the other half for later,” is an insidious lie I tell myself every time I get a bagel

“I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s, and his hair was perfect” is the single greatest lyric ever written. I will not be taking questions at this time.

An important part of being an elder millennial is having your inner monologue occasionally yell “HOLLA!” a la Missy Elliott

I want very much to be someone who looks breezy-cool-effortless in linen, but in reality I look did-she-sleep-in-that 10 minutes into a linen outfit.

Can we stop reporting on the length of standing ovations at Cannes as if it’s a meaningful metric? My mom would clap for me for seven minutes, but that’s not a measure of my talent.

I can no longer tell the difference between ads for artisan candies and fancy weed gummis.

I’ll see your “childhood crush in the fox version of Robin Hood” and raise you a “childhood crush on Doc Holliday from Tombstone.”

If I do not get a nice spring day with a breeze and some sun soon I will simply walk into the sea

60 Minutes could find no criminal records for 75% of the Venezuelans the U.S. sent to a notorious mega-prison in El Salvador. https://cbsn.ws/4clubLP

As there are no movies being made of new IP anymore, consider this my official pitch for a Three Men and a Baby reboot that turns out to be a poly rom-com.

Forget astrology, figuring out whether your prospective partner is a “watch shows while they’re airing” or “wait until the season is over to binge it” person will be a far more useful predictor of your future relationship happiness.

Extremely Opinionated Opinion: if you live in NYC your acceptable water choices in a restaurant are A) tap water B) sparkling. If you order bottled still water here, what are you even doing?