I think I have trouble parsing the idea that something can be not a wrong decision but still feel so, so bad and wrong emotionally.

It’s so stupid because I literally tell other people all the time “pets don’t understand the future. They don’t understand the idea of their life ending ‘too soon’ they only know today is a good day” but when it’s my pet I’m having a breakdown.

She’s not Riedell for whom daily medication is annoying but easily doable. Doing a bunch of extra diagnostics and medication might keep her alive longer but her life would get 10x more stressful. And she wouldn’t understand the trade off. I don’t think that’s fair.

Even after 15 years with us she’s still barely tolerant of handling enough to do her nails and that requires two people. She doesn’t sit on laps, she won’t be held longer than a minute and that whole minute she’s tense, and she’s choosy about where you pet her. And that’s at home in her safe space.

I almost made this appointment after her last bad episode and then backed out because she bounced back. But this last one was the worst she’s ever had and the interval was… not long. It’s only downhill from here. And I promised her I would not subject her to long term palliative care.

And while I am just pretty okay myself know that my usual duo is an excessively sweaty trans man and he will avenge me.

Glad you are doing okay!!