John Howard Matthews
@johnmatthews.bsky.social
Words in funny, literary, and weird places: McSweeney's, Chicago Reader, Points in Case, SlackJaw, Whiskey Tit, American Bystander.
website: https://www.johnhowardmatthews.com/
website: https://www.johnhowardmatthews.com/
Thrilled to have my humor piece on data breaches published by @pointsincase!
Now available publicly (and probably on the dark web too). 🔓💻
Now available publicly (and probably on the dark web too). 🔓💻
We hired a private detective named Rona Mudberry, who spent several days trying to crack the case before admitting she doesn’t really “get computers.”
We Are Truly Sorry About This Latest Data Breach
We hired a private detective named Rona Mudberry, who spent several days trying to crack the case before admitting she doesn’t really “get computers.”
www.pointsincase.com
January 27, 2026 at 9:04 PM
Thrilled to have my humor piece on data breaches published by @pointsincase!
Now available publicly (and probably on the dark web too). 🔓💻
Now available publicly (and probably on the dark web too). 🔓💻
I’ve just been notified that my private, sensitive humor piece about data breaches has been made publicly available on the internet.
We hired a private detective named Rona Mudberry, who spent several days trying to crack the case before admitting she doesn’t really “get computers.”
We Are Truly Sorry About This Latest Data Breach
We hired a private detective named Rona Mudberry, who spent several days trying to crack the case before admitting she doesn’t really “get computers.”
www.pointsincase.com
January 27, 2026 at 3:10 PM
I’ve just been notified that my private, sensitive humor piece about data breaches has been made publicly available on the internet.
I'm Donald Trump and I'll be making up numbers for the next hour or so. Enjoy the show! And if you like these numbers, I'm available to make some up for you personally at your wedding, Bar Mitzvah, graduation, birthday... whatever. See Leavitt on the way out.
January 21, 2026 at 2:27 PM
I'm Donald Trump and I'll be making up numbers for the next hour or so. Enjoy the show! And if you like these numbers, I'm available to make some up for you personally at your wedding, Bar Mitzvah, graduation, birthday... whatever. See Leavitt on the way out.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Don’t you think it would just be easier to watch this than the actual movie? Trust me, these are the best parts, the rest is just extra.
Fuck It! Movie Trailer Just Going to Show You the Whole Thing
Don’t you think it would just be easier to watch this than the actual movie? Trust me, these are the best parts, the rest is just extra.
www.pointsincase.com
January 15, 2026 at 1:12 PM
Don’t you think it would just be easier to watch this than the actual movie? Trust me, these are the best parts, the rest is just extra.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Saint Paul schools will be closed Tuesday and Wednesday to prepare for optional online learning.
I’ve seen schools close for snow, for pandemic, for natural disaster. I’ve never seen schools close because of threat from our own government.
I’ve seen schools close for snow, for pandemic, for natural disaster. I’ve never seen schools close because of threat from our own government.
January 15, 2026 at 1:05 AM
Saint Paul schools will be closed Tuesday and Wednesday to prepare for optional online learning.
I’ve seen schools close for snow, for pandemic, for natural disaster. I’ve never seen schools close because of threat from our own government.
I’ve seen schools close for snow, for pandemic, for natural disaster. I’ve never seen schools close because of threat from our own government.
When Boston's get spooked, it's not hard to tell.
January 13, 2026 at 11:36 PM
When Boston's get spooked, it's not hard to tell.
“The House is scheduled to vote next week on GOP legislation to codify Trump’s push for more powerful showerheads.”—The Week
I’m on the edge of my shower seat.
I’m on the edge of my shower seat.
January 9, 2026 at 12:40 PM
“The House is scheduled to vote next week on GOP legislation to codify Trump’s push for more powerful showerheads.”—The Week
I’m on the edge of my shower seat.
I’m on the edge of my shower seat.
Timeline cleanse: This is my furnace.
January 9, 2026 at 4:48 AM
Timeline cleanse: This is my furnace.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
New survival show idea: Donald Trump has to figure out what groceries are, then buy some, and prepare all his own food for a month.
January 2, 2026 at 10:16 PM
New survival show idea: Donald Trump has to figure out what groceries are, then buy some, and prepare all his own food for a month.
Thanks for the upcoming night terrors, AI clothing designers.
December 19, 2025 at 12:59 AM
Thanks for the upcoming night terrors, AI clothing designers.
Judging from the way the O is wearing the Santa hat [correctly], the Turkish manufacturer designed an orgasm Christmas towel.
December 18, 2025 at 1:29 AM
Judging from the way the O is wearing the Santa hat [correctly], the Turkish manufacturer designed an orgasm Christmas towel.
Please, can someone convince Trump to wear his FIFA necklace tonight at his speech?
December 17, 2025 at 10:44 PM
Please, can someone convince Trump to wear his FIFA necklace tonight at his speech?
“You’re not seriously going to take me outside are you?”
December 5, 2025 at 8:29 PM
“You’re not seriously going to take me outside are you?”
As we enter the final stretch of Christmas shopping, please remember to observe the 2 doll limit.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...
We Oppose Income Caps on the Ultra-Wealthy, but We’re Totally in Favor of Limiting the Number of Dolls per Household
“Trump, who has argued that China will bear the brunt of his tariffs, acknowledged during a Cabinet meeting on April 30 that the duties may mean fe...
www.mcsweeneys.net
December 4, 2025 at 11:19 PM
As we enter the final stretch of Christmas shopping, please remember to observe the 2 doll limit.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
“But the second he encounters someone with spine, someone with moral clarity, someone unmoved by bluster, he folds. He wilts. He sits there like a dog brought instantly to heel, panting for approval from the very man he swore he would obliterate.”
open.substack.com/pub/jojofrom...
open.substack.com/pub/jojofrom...
The Day Donald Trump Turned Into Mamdani’s Beta
A study in one man standing tall and another crumpling like a cellophane sack of half congealed bacon fat.
open.substack.com
November 23, 2025 at 2:12 AM
“But the second he encounters someone with spine, someone with moral clarity, someone unmoved by bluster, he folds. He wilts. He sits there like a dog brought instantly to heel, panting for approval from the very man he swore he would obliterate.”
open.substack.com/pub/jojofrom...
open.substack.com/pub/jojofrom...
How did we go from the war on terror to the war on landscapers? It's truly stupid and cruel.
November 21, 2025 at 3:45 PM
How did we go from the war on terror to the war on landscapers? It's truly stupid and cruel.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Is Piggy referring to his attempted coup on January 6th?
November 20, 2025 at 7:34 PM
Is Piggy referring to his attempted coup on January 6th?
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Trump has clearly manifested himself as human garbage every hour of every day for 10 years. So while, yes, it's gratifying that more people seem to be finally noticing, a little, maybe, two questions come to mind:
1. What the fuck took you so long?
2. What are you going to do about it now?
1. What the fuck took you so long?
2. What are you going to do about it now?
November 19, 2025 at 3:43 AM
Trump has clearly manifested himself as human garbage every hour of every day for 10 years. So while, yes, it's gratifying that more people seem to be finally noticing, a little, maybe, two questions come to mind:
1. What the fuck took you so long?
2. What are you going to do about it now?
1. What the fuck took you so long?
2. What are you going to do about it now?
It's too bad Walter Cronkite isn't around to report on this Trump & Bubba business.
November 15, 2025 at 2:15 AM
It's too bad Walter Cronkite isn't around to report on this Trump & Bubba business.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
When you meet the pope of Chicago don’t ask if he knows the blues brothers dance, he knows the blues brothers dance ok? he knows
Be respectful. Do the Elwood part so he can do the Jake part.
Be respectful. Do the Elwood part so he can do the Jake part.
November 13, 2025 at 9:40 AM
When you meet the pope of Chicago don’t ask if he knows the blues brothers dance, he knows the blues brothers dance ok? he knows
Be respectful. Do the Elwood part so he can do the Jake part.
Be respectful. Do the Elwood part so he can do the Jake part.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Is it ironic that a group named ICE is high tailing it out of the city when temperatures drop to the 30s and a little snow falls?
See you in March, fuckheads.
See you in March, fuckheads.
November 12, 2025 at 3:11 PM
Is it ironic that a group named ICE is high tailing it out of the city when temperatures drop to the 30s and a little snow falls?
See you in March, fuckheads.
See you in March, fuckheads.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Wait, new idea, game changer: 52-year mortgages.
November 11, 2025 at 11:36 AM
Wait, new idea, game changer: 52-year mortgages.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
As pleased as Democrats are about Tuesday, we have to realize: this prompts Trump to re-double his already obvious efforts to steal the 2026 election. Let's not spike the ball until we're in the end zone.
November 6, 2025 at 9:34 PM
As pleased as Democrats are about Tuesday, we have to realize: this prompts Trump to re-double his already obvious efforts to steal the 2026 election. Let's not spike the ball until we're in the end zone.