you are welcome i hope you find evem just crumbs of help in there

I know I'm sorry :<
it's not easy. but I think allowing yourself to feel those things and grab a hold of things that are physical and concrete are what could help you before anything else.

I think that last part is most important. regulating and making yourself feel safe first and foremost. because you are not in immediate danger.

I do a lot of counting and also I do this thing where I name parts of my body all the way from my toes to the top of my head (kinda like a pilot checking the engine)

AND also brings me back into my body which i feel is important

I find that these things help me de-dramatise...helps me makes things lighter and helps me take one or two step backs

I'm just sharing
I also find that exteriorising those things physically is neat like jumping around or stimming it out or screaming or all of those at once but that's mostly when I'm mildly upset

hot take but being upset/triggered is never "not right" but anyway the best thing I've found for myself is the grounding techniques cause I'm just trying to force it (gently!!!) into my system that I am safe and that it's /fine/ that I'm feeling things
I have no idea if this would help you

like no bestie this has been going on for as long as I can remember ! :D

probably also because they "saw no signs" and i was hiding it so well, so when I opened-up everybody thought I was suddenly dramatic

like when my world was actually entering a supernova state, I had to CONVINCE people I was miserable. literally NOBODY except my mother believed I was actually this deep down the well...because of denial maybe ? or people's general incomprehension of suicidality and depression ?

it took me 21 years to open up to someone and try and get help, and I only was able to do it because my survival instinct got actively engaged. stop begging. STOP BEGGING.

I DON'T KNOW how to open up to you. you are just some human !! and your sympathy/pity will not help me, no matter how genuine !!!

because the root cause is out of my direct control anyway...

and it might be worst

i don't want to forget what you say ever

because wanting to die is what i generally do but also because i don't like the attention on my bday, don't like aging and don't like the number 26