@curran12.bsky.social
The work now is going to be in actually teaching myself to take legitimate downtime where I am not in an alert or standby state. That, I admit, is daunting because it pushes hard against that upbringing. But here's hoping I can find a way.
Was recommended types of massage and might give it a try.
Was recommended types of massage and might give it a try.
August 14, 2025 at 10:04 PM
The work now is going to be in actually teaching myself to take legitimate downtime where I am not in an alert or standby state. That, I admit, is daunting because it pushes hard against that upbringing. But here's hoping I can find a way.
Was recommended types of massage and might give it a try.
Was recommended types of massage and might give it a try.
It has led me into toxic relationships and romantic attractions in the past where I all but treated them as a drug and pursued the "high" of emotional bonding, not realizing that being emotionally open isn't supposed to be a drug I only get a hit of from time to time.
August 14, 2025 at 10:04 PM
It has led me into toxic relationships and romantic attractions in the past where I all but treated them as a drug and pursued the "high" of emotional bonding, not realizing that being emotionally open isn't supposed to be a drug I only get a hit of from time to time.
Plenty of guilt from a wealthy upbringing plays into it. Plus a generally isolated life (both physically and emotionally). I was the low-maintenance child who was independent, seemingly positive things, but now I am realizing the impact of such an upbringing.
August 14, 2025 at 10:04 PM
Plenty of guilt from a wealthy upbringing plays into it. Plus a generally isolated life (both physically and emotionally). I was the low-maintenance child who was independent, seemingly positive things, but now I am realizing the impact of such an upbringing.
I spend an enormous amount of energy, even when I am on downtime or off the clock, in a hypervigilant state. I keep the email open, I keep on in discord because I need to be ready to "help" even if I am in no shape to do so.
I even feel things like self care, or time off, are somehow "slacking".
I even feel things like self care, or time off, are somehow "slacking".
August 14, 2025 at 10:04 PM
I spend an enormous amount of energy, even when I am on downtime or off the clock, in a hypervigilant state. I keep the email open, I keep on in discord because I need to be ready to "help" even if I am in no shape to do so.
I even feel things like self care, or time off, are somehow "slacking".
I even feel things like self care, or time off, are somehow "slacking".
From an outside perspective, I can see how unhinged this behavior is. And how damaging.
As was told to me "you have a normal job but then, when you clock off, you go to your second job where you are maintaining this". And I can't find fault in that statement.
As was told to me "you have a normal job but then, when you clock off, you go to your second job where you are maintaining this". And I can't find fault in that statement.
August 14, 2025 at 10:04 PM
From an outside perspective, I can see how unhinged this behavior is. And how damaging.
As was told to me "you have a normal job but then, when you clock off, you go to your second job where you are maintaining this". And I can't find fault in that statement.
As was told to me "you have a normal job but then, when you clock off, you go to your second job where you are maintaining this". And I can't find fault in that statement.
To family, I was always doing just fine.
Even to strangers, I tie myself up in knots over not wanting to be appear unusual, to the point where I even shop at rotating grocery stores so that I would not be "seen" buying my usual groceries because I believed it would be unusual to get the same thing.
Even to strangers, I tie myself up in knots over not wanting to be appear unusual, to the point where I even shop at rotating grocery stores so that I would not be "seen" buying my usual groceries because I believed it would be unusual to get the same thing.
August 14, 2025 at 10:04 PM
To family, I was always doing just fine.
Even to strangers, I tie myself up in knots over not wanting to be appear unusual, to the point where I even shop at rotating grocery stores so that I would not be "seen" buying my usual groceries because I believed it would be unusual to get the same thing.
Even to strangers, I tie myself up in knots over not wanting to be appear unusual, to the point where I even shop at rotating grocery stores so that I would not be "seen" buying my usual groceries because I believed it would be unusual to get the same thing.
This, in turn, developed into a need to appear functional and "correct" at all times. Not in that I was correcting people, but that I did not appear that I would cause a burden to others. So to friends, I would be a reliable, compassionate rock that did not express strong emotions.
August 14, 2025 at 10:04 PM
This, in turn, developed into a need to appear functional and "correct" at all times. Not in that I was correcting people, but that I did not appear that I would cause a burden to others. So to friends, I would be a reliable, compassionate rock that did not express strong emotions.
In some ways, I get where it comes from. My upbringing put enormous value on things like charity, volunteering and generosity. And those are good values, sure, but I believe I've gotten to the point where I felt those were the ONLY measures of happiness. That if I kept sacrificing, I'd be happy.
August 14, 2025 at 10:04 PM
In some ways, I get where it comes from. My upbringing put enormous value on things like charity, volunteering and generosity. And those are good values, sure, but I believe I've gotten to the point where I felt those were the ONLY measures of happiness. That if I kept sacrificing, I'd be happy.
And it very much tracks with behaviors that I thought were acceptable, or even positive, in the past. That I was always available, always the first to step up and help, always the first to sacrifice for others. Because I never wanted to be a burden on others, and only a boon.
August 14, 2025 at 10:04 PM
And it very much tracks with behaviors that I thought were acceptable, or even positive, in the past. That I was always available, always the first to step up and help, always the first to sacrifice for others. Because I never wanted to be a burden on others, and only a boon.
After describing some more of my behaviors and lifestyle choices, my therapist said something very telling and impactful to me:
"You are so occupied with not taking up any space in anyone else's life that you're not even taking up space in your life".
"You are so occupied with not taking up any space in anyone else's life that you're not even taking up space in your life".
August 14, 2025 at 10:04 PM
After describing some more of my behaviors and lifestyle choices, my therapist said something very telling and impactful to me:
"You are so occupied with not taking up any space in anyone else's life that you're not even taking up space in your life".
"You are so occupied with not taking up any space in anyone else's life that you're not even taking up space in your life".
Progress continues on many of my existing issues, but a new one has been uncovered that I believe is helping to tie together many elements of my bad mental health that, at first, appeared to be separate ideas.
August 14, 2025 at 10:04 PM
Progress continues on many of my existing issues, but a new one has been uncovered that I believe is helping to tie together many elements of my bad mental health that, at first, appeared to be separate ideas.
I'm trying to follow advice to actually get space, but it is a more difficult path for me since it is almost like I believe I need to "wait my turn" to be in pain and suffering when others around me have their own trials and struggles.
It's been a long two weeks. Hopefully better news next time
It's been a long two weeks. Hopefully better news next time
July 24, 2025 at 3:36 AM
I'm trying to follow advice to actually get space, but it is a more difficult path for me since it is almost like I believe I need to "wait my turn" to be in pain and suffering when others around me have their own trials and struggles.
It's been a long two weeks. Hopefully better news next time
It's been a long two weeks. Hopefully better news next time
Which all ties back to my boundary issues. Which is, in short, I can't make or maintain them, the opposite of what one expects for a boundary problem.
I admit, I am deep in the hole this past few weeks. I am struggling greatly mentally, but unable to break out of bad loops or ask for help.
I admit, I am deep in the hole this past few weeks. I am struggling greatly mentally, but unable to break out of bad loops or ask for help.
July 24, 2025 at 3:36 AM
Which all ties back to my boundary issues. Which is, in short, I can't make or maintain them, the opposite of what one expects for a boundary problem.
I admit, I am deep in the hole this past few weeks. I am struggling greatly mentally, but unable to break out of bad loops or ask for help.
I admit, I am deep in the hole this past few weeks. I am struggling greatly mentally, but unable to break out of bad loops or ask for help.
It has led to a kind of harmful fantasizing.
"If I broke my leg, that would be a reason to relax and not jump into every new urge and problem."
While this is not me expressing a desire to self-harm, I can't deny these thoughts either. It is simply the only way I see myself as able to get a break.
"If I broke my leg, that would be a reason to relax and not jump into every new urge and problem."
While this is not me expressing a desire to self-harm, I can't deny these thoughts either. It is simply the only way I see myself as able to get a break.
July 24, 2025 at 3:36 AM
It has led to a kind of harmful fantasizing.
"If I broke my leg, that would be a reason to relax and not jump into every new urge and problem."
While this is not me expressing a desire to self-harm, I can't deny these thoughts either. It is simply the only way I see myself as able to get a break.
"If I broke my leg, that would be a reason to relax and not jump into every new urge and problem."
While this is not me expressing a desire to self-harm, I can't deny these thoughts either. It is simply the only way I see myself as able to get a break.
And these mindsets are deeply, deeply seeded in me because I feel like I have nothing else going on, and the idea of even temporary relief, in my mind, requires a "good reason".
I'd love to take a mental health break. But the only way my mind finds a path to it is if I suffer a visible catastrophe.
I'd love to take a mental health break. But the only way my mind finds a path to it is if I suffer a visible catastrophe.
July 24, 2025 at 3:36 AM
And these mindsets are deeply, deeply seeded in me because I feel like I have nothing else going on, and the idea of even temporary relief, in my mind, requires a "good reason".
I'd love to take a mental health break. But the only way my mind finds a path to it is if I suffer a visible catastrophe.
I'd love to take a mental health break. But the only way my mind finds a path to it is if I suffer a visible catastrophe.
For me, and for many years back, the idea of my wanting/not wanting something being an adequate reason to ask for, or refuse anything has been foreign to me. I've developed an urge to make sure I have a "good reason" for all things I ask for. And "because it makes me feel good" is NOT a good reason.
July 24, 2025 at 3:36 AM
For me, and for many years back, the idea of my wanting/not wanting something being an adequate reason to ask for, or refuse anything has been foreign to me. I've developed an urge to make sure I have a "good reason" for all things I ask for. And "because it makes me feel good" is NOT a good reason.
And it has led me into many problem scenarios, or bad relationships where I was happy to accept anything, without ever saying no, or even pushing for my own self worth in it.
Because that is the other problem unearthed, and that of my deep and troubling lack of self-worth.
Because that is the other problem unearthed, and that of my deep and troubling lack of self-worth.
July 24, 2025 at 3:36 AM
And it has led me into many problem scenarios, or bad relationships where I was happy to accept anything, without ever saying no, or even pushing for my own self worth in it.
Because that is the other problem unearthed, and that of my deep and troubling lack of self-worth.
Because that is the other problem unearthed, and that of my deep and troubling lack of self-worth.
It ties back to the "rocks don't complain" mindset. If I don't complain, I also cannot refuse. Because, in my own mind, refusal means rejection. Filtered through my mind and experiences, they are one in the same. A "no" to a single thing means a total "no" and the risk of wholesale abandonment.
July 24, 2025 at 3:36 AM
It ties back to the "rocks don't complain" mindset. If I don't complain, I also cannot refuse. Because, in my own mind, refusal means rejection. Filtered through my mind and experiences, they are one in the same. A "no" to a single thing means a total "no" and the risk of wholesale abandonment.
Or a person who will never take "no" for an answer when it comes to what they want. But for me, it is almost the inverse of it.
My problem with boundaries is that I am incapable of saying "no" to anything. I tried to think of the last time I straight refused anything, and I could not think of one.
My problem with boundaries is that I am incapable of saying "no" to anything. I tried to think of the last time I straight refused anything, and I could not think of one.
July 24, 2025 at 3:36 AM
Or a person who will never take "no" for an answer when it comes to what they want. But for me, it is almost the inverse of it.
My problem with boundaries is that I am incapable of saying "no" to anything. I tried to think of the last time I straight refused anything, and I could not think of one.
My problem with boundaries is that I am incapable of saying "no" to anything. I tried to think of the last time I straight refused anything, and I could not think of one.
It's also led to a profound moment in today's session where my therapist, point blank, said to me:
"You have a huge problem with boundaries, Curran".
At first, I was shocked. After all, when you think of someone with boundary problems, you immediately think of a person who cannot respect others.
"You have a huge problem with boundaries, Curran".
At first, I was shocked. After all, when you think of someone with boundary problems, you immediately think of a person who cannot respect others.
July 24, 2025 at 3:36 AM
It's also led to a profound moment in today's session where my therapist, point blank, said to me:
"You have a huge problem with boundaries, Curran".
At first, I was shocked. After all, when you think of someone with boundary problems, you immediately think of a person who cannot respect others.
"You have a huge problem with boundaries, Curran".
At first, I was shocked. After all, when you think of someone with boundary problems, you immediately think of a person who cannot respect others.
This quote is something that I've felt for a long time, that it is not my place to raise problems, instead it is my job to fix them. This has led to pretty severe problems, and ones that are now much more raw and exposed to me, and as it turns out, quite painful. I was just good at fighting through.
July 24, 2025 at 3:36 AM
This quote is something that I've felt for a long time, that it is not my place to raise problems, instead it is my job to fix them. This has led to pretty severe problems, and ones that are now much more raw and exposed to me, and as it turns out, quite painful. I was just good at fighting through.