Let’s gooo

Guests often ask why the north end of the golf course is covered in a malevolent fog. That’s a question only the Bog Witch can answer.

Life is just peeing and peeing some more when does it end ???!

I’m not buying the whole wolves inside people thing

Hey @conorlastowka.bsky.social , it looks like death comments are moving into new areas

when you think about it, it really isn’t surprising that the Mr. Pillow guy is anti-woke

People say they are more creative and funnier when they are high but I’m not sure it works that way for me.

Lauren Boebert is like
Santa Claus in spring—clothesline!

Me when the lobster mayors demand tribute and discover I’ve been communicating with the outside world

Keep getting Sinead O’Connor mixed up with Mohandas Gandhi when I see pics online. Not nudes, I mean. I just mean drawings and headshots

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

The most disturbing thing about Oppenheimer was that scene where Florence Pugh and Cillian Murphy sit around naked on hotel furniture. Absolutely gross that their butts are just touching that fabric.

The atomic stuff was upsetting too, mind you, but mostly it was the casual naked chilling.

there’s nothing in the rulebook that says a dog can’t bribe the supreme court

doctor: are you familiar with syphilis?

me: who cares about some guy pushing a rock, what did the test say

At dinner, my 7-year-old likes to pick up a dinner knife, turn to someone nearby and say “I am not a murderer.”

This bit hits differently at restaurants.