hello 911? i was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked and i have no idea where i am
June 26, 2025 at 2:56 PM
hello 911? i was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked and i have no idea where i am
sorry im late, my car..[forgets the word for towed] got arrested
June 11, 2025 at 9:22 PM
sorry im late, my car..[forgets the word for towed] got arrested
[girl petting my dog] what's his name?
[me thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[me thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
May 30, 2025 at 3:24 AM
[girl petting my dog] what's his name?
[me thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[me thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[tugging on the devil's tail as soon as i arrive in hell] it's too hot
May 23, 2025 at 7:12 PM
[tugging on the devil's tail as soon as i arrive in hell] it's too hot
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
May 21, 2025 at 5:47 AM
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[pulls a dildo out of my briefcase] your honor, if i may
May 19, 2025 at 11:49 PM
[pulls a dildo out of my briefcase] your honor, if i may
if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you
May 16, 2025 at 3:05 AM
if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad and puts a tiny pack of cigarettes in it's pocket] you can come home now
May 13, 2025 at 12:58 PM
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad and puts a tiny pack of cigarettes in it's pocket] you can come home now
personal trainer: i dunno where you heard that but no, cum doesn't hydrate you
me: [trying to pour thermos out but it's taking forever] ok
me: [trying to pour thermos out but it's taking forever] ok
May 9, 2025 at 9:40 PM
personal trainer: i dunno where you heard that but no, cum doesn't hydrate you
me: [trying to pour thermos out but it's taking forever] ok
me: [trying to pour thermos out but it's taking forever] ok
[helping my friend set up his linkedin account] put down youre cicumcised
May 8, 2025 at 7:12 PM
[helping my friend set up his linkedin account] put down youre cicumcised
[addressing everyone at my pet possum's funeral] you guys aren't gonna believe this
May 6, 2025 at 5:13 PM
[addressing everyone at my pet possum's funeral] you guys aren't gonna believe this
[video of me taking off and eating the toppings first on a pizza]
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
April 30, 2025 at 9:58 PM
[video of me taking off and eating the toppings first on a pizza]
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
i
fell
into
a Burger King deep fryer
i turned
brown brown brown
medical help was required
and it
burns burns burns
that BK fryer
that BK fryer
fell
into
a Burger King deep fryer
i turned
brown brown brown
medical help was required
and it
burns burns burns
that BK fryer
that BK fryer
April 23, 2025 at 8:56 PM
i
fell
into
a Burger King deep fryer
i turned
brown brown brown
medical help was required
and it
burns burns burns
that BK fryer
that BK fryer
fell
into
a Burger King deep fryer
i turned
brown brown brown
medical help was required
and it
burns burns burns
that BK fryer
that BK fryer
[flips tarot card and it's a picture of my butt cheeks] what the
[flips next card and it's a huge thermometer] oh no
[flips next card and it's a huge thermometer] oh no
April 9, 2025 at 9:00 PM
[flips tarot card and it's a picture of my butt cheeks] what the
[flips next card and it's a huge thermometer] oh no
[flips next card and it's a huge thermometer] oh no
Reposted by cat damon
And the Michelin Man removed the tire from his waist and gave it to them, saying, “Take this and drive; for this is my body.”
April 5, 2025 at 2:57 PM
And the Michelin Man removed the tire from his waist and gave it to them, saying, “Take this and drive; for this is my body.”
[texts wife after seeing a commercial for thermometers other than rectal] YOU LIED TO ME
April 8, 2025 at 1:19 AM
[texts wife after seeing a commercial for thermometers other than rectal] YOU LIED TO ME
[holding my car door open for my date] just throw my laundry in the back
March 28, 2025 at 1:01 AM
[holding my car door open for my date] just throw my laundry in the back
[organ at the funeral stops and everyone hears me talking] I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my cum
March 21, 2025 at 4:57 AM
[organ at the funeral stops and everyone hears me talking] I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my cum
me: [leaving the inventor of the piñata's funeral] OH MY GOD
March 14, 2025 at 3:23 AM
me: [leaving the inventor of the piñata's funeral] OH MY GOD
[climbs out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
March 12, 2025 at 11:28 PM
[climbs out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
[dribbles between my legs and behind my back]
guy at the urinal next to me: dude
guy at the urinal next to me: dude
February 28, 2025 at 3:26 AM
[dribbles between my legs and behind my back]
guy at the urinal next to me: dude
guy at the urinal next to me: dude
[worried my therapist doesn't like me] let me see your notepad
February 24, 2025 at 8:21 PM
[worried my therapist doesn't like me] let me see your notepad
big whoop your honor
February 19, 2025 at 10:27 PM
big whoop your honor
alex trebek: tell us a little bit about yourself
me: I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my ejaculate
me: I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my ejaculate
February 19, 2025 at 12:21 AM
alex trebek: tell us a little bit about yourself
me: I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my ejaculate
me: I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my ejaculate
TSA agent: why is your suitcase so wet
me: you mean my soupcase?
me: you mean my soupcase?
February 15, 2025 at 7:08 PM
TSA agent: why is your suitcase so wet
me: you mean my soupcase?
me: you mean my soupcase?