Commander's Herald
commanders-herald.bsky.social
Commander's Herald
@commanders-herald.bsky.social
Your #1 Source for Satire Made To Sound Like Magic: The Gathering News!
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this is what I'm running for those of you asking. probably Aether Syphon should be replaced by a couple more bounce spells -- if you get Hope out, play Riverchurn on T3, and then play a T4 Space-Time Anomaly, you're probably very close to closing the deal.
January 2, 2026 at 1:25 AM
Remember, even your favorite indie folk band loves mill; it's inescapable.
if you want to imagine the future, just picture me, milling your deck by turn six at the latest, forever
January 2, 2026 at 3:05 AM
"I've purchased a few concert poster Secret Lairs to act as my exam charts. My elderly customers are a little confused by them, but that's only because they're used to reading Revised cards."
Optometrist Begins Using Secret Lair Cards as Eye Exams | Commander's Herald
This eye doctor is asking patients "Does the Buggin' Out copy of Grist, The Hunger Tide look better with one or two?"
commandersherald.com
January 1, 2026 at 5:08 PM
We put out at least one awesome article last year, so let's look back at the Best Of Commander's Herald 2025! Peer deep into the veils of the past and witness: commandersherald.com/wizards-of-t...
January 1, 2026 at 5:34 AM
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Today is the last day that you can repost this image
December 31, 2025 at 7:48 AM
It's the quiet comfort of knowing that nothing is ever truly gone. And, if we're honest, it's the sometimes problematic enjoyment of watching our friends squirm. Don't worry, I'm not here to shame you.
Do You ACTUALLY Like Reanimate, or Are You Just Terrified of Death and the Thought of Reanimation Calms Your Nerves? | Commander's Herald
Hi there, reader! I'm Dr. Foxglove, and I'm a new addition to the Commander's Herald. I talk about things like death, sex, and trauma; and I use Magic: the Gathering to help me do it. It would make se...
commandersherald.com
December 31, 2025 at 11:16 PM
We put out at least two wonderful articles this year, so let's look back at the Best Of Commander's Herald 2025! For your viewing pleasure may I present: commandersherald.com/due-to-fcc-r...
December 30, 2025 at 7:38 PM
We put out at least three spectacular articles this year, so let's look back at the Best Of Commander's Herald 2025! Let's continue the countdown with: commandersherald.com/report-wizar...
December 29, 2025 at 5:35 PM
We put out at least four amazing articles this year, so let's look back at the Best Of Commander's Herald 2025! Next up is: commandersherald.com/magic-the-ga...
December 28, 2025 at 10:22 PM
We put out at least five great articles this year, so let's look back at the Best Of Commander's Herald 2025! We'll start with: commandersherald.com/taylor-swift...
December 28, 2025 at 3:01 AM
Reposted by Commander's Herald
have been following this account since the old days and this is the best one I’ve ever seen. My God. “You’re about to extend your style to your hairstyle” is like a fortune teller roasting his client
Classic: Goblin Sleigh Ride
Art: @markzug

Original:

#GoogleTranslatesMTG #HappyHolidays
December 26, 2025 at 1:19 AM
"My God, man, it's bad enough I have to deal with your destitute nonsense on the clock, only to have to face you once again when I come to this gaming parlor! Do you know what it took for me to get this deck together?"
Scrooge Laments Having to Play His Expensive Commander Deck Against Cratchit's Proxies | Commander's Herald
Local despondent businessman Ebenezer Scrooge caused a scene at his local game store after he was paired with his subordinate Bob Cratchit in a Magic: The Gathering cEDH match.
commandersherald.com
December 25, 2025 at 5:43 PM
"These decks, containing the same cards but with different names, will definitely appeal to those that love the holidays and do not like diversity."
Universes Beyond: Hallmark to Have Four Commander Decks With Same Cards | Commander's Herald
Wizards of the Coast and Hallmark have the perfect Christmas gift for the middle-American housewife who loves playing fantasy card games.
commandersherald.com
December 23, 2025 at 5:42 PM
The press release comes hot on the heels of the release of the second season of Amazon's Fallout streaming show, which would've been a great time to release reprints of the Universes Beyond: Fallout set.
New Fallout TV Season Coincides With WOTC Reminding Us They'll Never Reprint Fallout Cards | Commander's Herald
Wizards created a press release to remind their Magic: customers that they'll probably never own any Fallout cards if they haven't got them already
commandersherald.com
December 22, 2025 at 4:43 PM
"I mean, it just makes sense, right? All the heroes have to do is get him more and more angry. We've been having Mark Ruffalo get into character by stepping on Lego bricks all morning."
Rumor: "Avengers: Doomsday" Climactic Scene To Feature The Hulk Stepping on Caltrops | Commander's Herald
We were inspired by fans reacting to the spoilers by pointing out that The Hulk would just keep fighting over and over again if Caltrops was in play. I mean, it just makes sense, right?
commandersherald.com
December 19, 2025 at 4:44 PM
"Battling product fatigue for so long really took it out of him. A few years back, some other kid in his ward used their Make-A-Wish to ask them to make more Magic cards. Should've known it'd be a monkey's paw situation."
Doctors Inform Terminally Ill Magic Player He'll Only Live Through 178 More Spoiler Seasons | Commander's Herald
Oncologists at St. Traft General Hospital had the heartbreaking task of informing a patient's family that he has only months, or approximately 178 more seasons of Magic The Gathering Cards being spoil...
commandersherald.com
December 18, 2025 at 9:12 PM
Here's a great way to save some money this holiday season, you filthy animals!
Seven Budget Gift Ideas for the Magic Player in Your Life | Commander's Herald
Christmas is right around the corner, and we here at Commander's Herald know how stressful budgeting can be this time of year.
commandersherald.com
December 17, 2025 at 6:29 PM
"I use some extra draft chaff to see into people's personal lives and glean what I can using my gift of Foresight. The problem is whatever I do, all I see is people throwing their money into a fire or spending $250 on a pauper deck."
Tarot Reader Using Magic Cards Sees Financial Ruin In Your Future | Commander's Herald
The future is what you make it, as long as...oh crap, she just cast a Mircale'd Terminus off the top, that can't be a good omen.
commandersherald.com
December 16, 2025 at 3:18 PM
"Pete was just bad at the game. Like, every time he scored a hit, he'd guess the exact same square again the next turn. Which was odd because he also cheated constantly, leaning over to my side to peek."
Hasbro Defies Hegseth: Sells Battleship with Rulebook Included | Commander's Herald
Rejecting demands from Pete Hegseth, Hasbro continues to release Battleship board game with a full rulebook included.
commandersherald.com
December 15, 2025 at 5:54 PM
While cuffing is typically a term reserved for romantic couplings, experts say this type of pop-culture coupling during the winter season is increasingly common. Other examples include re-downloading Final Fantasy XIV or binge-watching critically acclaimed sitcoms from the 1970s.
Lonely Magic Player Commits to New Format in Cuffing Season | Commander's Herald
ST. CLOUD, MN - Cuffing season is upon us. The time of year when the nights grow longer and colder, pushing people to seek solace in romantic couplings. But one local man has found another way to cope...
commandersherald.com
December 12, 2025 at 6:27 PM
"Mere hours after releasing their planned second chapter for Lorwyn Eclipsed, a multiversal sized shadow was cast over the set's moment when the first round of Marvel Super Heroes were spoiled."
Lorwyn Eclipsed Eclipsed | Commander's Herald
Mere hours after releasing their planned second chapter for Lorwyn Eclipsed, a multiversal sized shadow was cast over the set's moment
commandersherald.com
December 11, 2025 at 10:20 PM
"The WOTC fix is in. This was always going to happen when Universes Beyond was allowed to go unchecked. I haven't been happy since 1996."
Magic Community Outraged at Show of Good Sportsmanship at Worlds | Commander's Herald
Manfield and Shibata were unavailable for comment due to being busy enjoying their successes this past weekend with their friends and loved ones.
commandersherald.com
December 10, 2025 at 5:23 PM
WE ARE ALSO LOOKING FOR PHOTOSHOP-LITERATE PEOPLE on top of the new crop of great writers we just signed on. If you're interested, fill out the form below and indicate your image-altering prowess and we'll contact you soon!
WE ARE LOOKING FOR WRITERS!
Come compete in the high-octane world of Magic: The Gathering satire! Fill out this form to apply: tinyurl.com/heraldapply
December 9, 2025 at 9:56 PM
"If you think about it, the King James Bible was the first errata. I see your Geralf's Messenger has undying, just like a certain friend of mine. Oh, Parallel Lives multiplies your Food tokens? Hmm, reminds me of some loaves and fishes."
Youth Pastor Knows a Super Cool Legendary Creature You Should Build Around | Commander's Herald
“If you think about it, the King James Bible was the first errata.” said Fyve between handing out fidget spinner crosses.
commandersherald.com
December 9, 2025 at 5:04 PM
"Its rules are taken nearly verbatim from an older card game, known as Euchre, made for a subset of a standard deck of playing cards. This revelation was brought forward after Aunt Eileen offered to teach us the original game following Thanksgiving dinner."
New Fringe Magic Format Secretly Just Euchre | Commander's Herald
A new shared-deck round-based Magic format, has been gaining traction on social media over the past few months.
commandersherald.com
December 8, 2025 at 5:34 PM