I would like to thank the New World Order for waiting until New Year's Eve to kill us all, because at least I get to die buzzed.

My eyes hurt from looking at that. Is this what snow blindness feels like?

I'm sure he can find a Russian oil company to help him out.

It's the unscheduled "all hands" meetings that give me flashbacks, but I work for disorganized people.

(I can only reply to this now because our computers have been down for three hours!)

If we invent enough new fake Peace Prizes, we could keep Trump too busy accepting prizes to destroy the country!

I'm beginning to wonder if Hakeem Jeffries needs a pardon for something!

You just know the guy pranking her used the most ridiculous French accent possible, and she still fell for it.

You would be saying you want a government that's run only by people who were already millionaires, because they're the only ones who can afford to maintain homes in the capital and the real hometowns.

Which Constitution do you represent? It can't possibly be the American one.

Once you're in a robot body, robot food will be a free benefit for X Super-Premium subscribers. World hunger solved!

Sounds like something George Costanza would say. "That's the beauty of it, Jerry. The Supreme Court can't interfere! It's my signature policy!"

Had to take her to a soundproof room so no one would hear the screaming.

Are you sure this isn't the Halloween party? All the women are dressed up as bumper stickers!