AlanPadres
@alanpadres.bsky.social
Pragmatist/Optimist/Pessimist. New Grad Registered Nurse in the Pediatric ICU🙏❤️ Life is like a cake, there’s LAYERS to it! Context matters. GO PADRES!!!
Them: “What would Jesus do?”
Also them: “Jesus raped kids”
Also them: “Jesus raped kids”
December 18, 2025 at 4:18 AM
Them: “What would Jesus do?”
Also them: “Jesus raped kids”
Also them: “Jesus raped kids”
That 🐱 can’t be THAT good 😭
December 17, 2025 at 3:00 AM
That 🐱 can’t be THAT good 😭
Install pull-up bars in every public and private space in America: the only way to prevent mass shootings
December 14, 2025 at 6:52 PM
Install pull-up bars in every public and private space in America: the only way to prevent mass shootings
Maybe he should stop shoveling snow 🤷♂️
December 14, 2025 at 5:39 PM
Maybe he should stop shoveling snow 🤷♂️
That kid’s got talent 🔥
December 14, 2025 at 1:42 AM
That kid’s got talent 🔥
As long as you break it up with a poop spoon (or shovel)
December 14, 2025 at 12:18 AM
As long as you break it up with a poop spoon (or shovel)
dodgers now have the most expensive mop-up guy in history in Tanner Scott 😭
December 12, 2025 at 9:57 PM
dodgers now have the most expensive mop-up guy in history in Tanner Scott 😭
“Prevention” and “Poison” both start with the same letter, that’s more than enough proof that flu shots are bad
December 11, 2025 at 3:05 AM
“Prevention” and “Poison” both start with the same letter, that’s more than enough proof that flu shots are bad
That will be the next phase of healthcare.
“We see that you can’t afford this procedure, but you have an extra kidney and we’re also interested in 1/3 of your liver.
You’re not gonna find a better deal out there 🤷♂️”
“We see that you can’t afford this procedure, but you have an extra kidney and we’re also interested in 1/3 of your liver.
You’re not gonna find a better deal out there 🤷♂️”
December 11, 2025 at 1:25 AM
That will be the next phase of healthcare.
“We see that you can’t afford this procedure, but you have an extra kidney and we’re also interested in 1/3 of your liver.
You’re not gonna find a better deal out there 🤷♂️”
“We see that you can’t afford this procedure, but you have an extra kidney and we’re also interested in 1/3 of your liver.
You’re not gonna find a better deal out there 🤷♂️”
Appendix was probably implanted in our bodies when we got the Hep B vaccine as a ticking time bomb to make them money with consistent surgeries SMDH
December 11, 2025 at 1:16 AM
Appendix was probably implanted in our bodies when we got the Hep B vaccine as a ticking time bomb to make them money with consistent surgeries SMDH
They should pay you for allowing them to practice on your appendix tbh
December 11, 2025 at 1:14 AM
They should pay you for allowing them to practice on your appendix tbh
“Grandma always wanted to be immortal. That’s why she always sent us Christmas cards, to remind us that Santa is immortal”
December 11, 2025 at 1:06 AM
“Grandma always wanted to be immortal. That’s why she always sent us Christmas cards, to remind us that Santa is immortal”
This is famously why all children after Halloween go color blind
December 11, 2025 at 12:25 AM
This is famously why all children after Halloween go color blind
Thought this was Erika Kirk for a second
December 11, 2025 at 12:01 AM
Thought this was Erika Kirk for a second
Bergert + Kolek for Xander and his entire contract plus Adcock who says no
December 10, 2025 at 12:57 AM
Bergert + Kolek for Xander and his entire contract plus Adcock who says no
Me to Andrew Friedman every offseason:
thor and thanos are standing next to each other and talking
ALT: thor and thanos are standing next to each other and talking
media.tenor.com
December 9, 2025 at 11:19 PM
Me to Andrew Friedman every offseason:
Grok said my newborn needs to eat other babies. Rare
December 9, 2025 at 6:04 PM
Grok said my newborn needs to eat other babies. Rare
But if they distrust the medical establishment, why even call 9-1-1? 🤔
December 9, 2025 at 3:30 AM
But if they distrust the medical establishment, why even call 9-1-1? 🤔
Boofing methylene blue and speech-to-texting his next risqué poem
December 9, 2025 at 1:52 AM
Boofing methylene blue and speech-to-texting his next risqué poem