I have faith that you can redecorate your way out of existential dread.
January 31, 2026 at 9:00 PM
I have faith that you can redecorate your way out of existential dread.
The interstate signs about drunk driving are probably a bit too late.
January 30, 2026 at 9:00 PM
The interstate signs about drunk driving are probably a bit too late.
I'll say thoughts and prayers, but which thoughts and prayers to who is never said.
January 29, 2026 at 9:00 PM
I'll say thoughts and prayers, but which thoughts and prayers to who is never said.
I aspire to be as creative as a child coming up with excuses as to why they don't need to go to sleep.
January 28, 2026 at 9:00 PM
I aspire to be as creative as a child coming up with excuses as to why they don't need to go to sleep.
Maybe Buzz Aldrin isn't actually 95, but traveling to the moon made him younger, like in the Planet of the Apes.
January 27, 2026 at 9:00 PM
Maybe Buzz Aldrin isn't actually 95, but traveling to the moon made him younger, like in the Planet of the Apes.
Dear IKEA, who do you expect to have me help build this? That person would be my best man and executor of my will.
January 26, 2026 at 9:00 PM
Dear IKEA, who do you expect to have me help build this? That person would be my best man and executor of my will.
Today's Horoscope: The stars say if you really loved them, then you would know what to do.
January 25, 2026 at 9:00 PM
Today's Horoscope: The stars say if you really loved them, then you would know what to do.
The rug place that is always going out of business isn't a scam. They are just as bad at shutting down a business as they are at running one.
January 24, 2026 at 9:00 PM
The rug place that is always going out of business isn't a scam. They are just as bad at shutting down a business as they are at running one.
New shoes are scary. Every time someone is killed on a show, their shoes are perfect, so they probably bought them that day.
January 23, 2026 at 9:00 PM
New shoes are scary. Every time someone is killed on a show, their shoes are perfect, so they probably bought them that day.
Never spending money is clearly the key to wealth. That's why the people jumping the turnstiles always look so rich.
January 22, 2026 at 9:00 PM
Never spending money is clearly the key to wealth. That's why the people jumping the turnstiles always look so rich.
Do alien abductees have lower rates of colon cancer because they get checked more often?
January 21, 2026 at 9:00 PM
Do alien abductees have lower rates of colon cancer because they get checked more often?
I just got in an Uber, and the driver has a compass tattoo on their arm. We are clearly going to get lost, as that's not how a compass works.
January 20, 2026 at 9:00 PM
I just got in an Uber, and the driver has a compass tattoo on their arm. We are clearly going to get lost, as that's not how a compass works.
Why do people say it's a marathon and not a sprint? If you sprint a marathon, you'll probably win.
January 19, 2026 at 9:00 PM
Why do people say it's a marathon and not a sprint? If you sprint a marathon, you'll probably win.
I got caught in the rain, so dry January is done. Want to grab a drink?.
January 18, 2026 at 9:00 PM
I got caught in the rain, so dry January is done. Want to grab a drink?.
Why does explaining things from your childhood to younger people sound like tales from before the Code of Hammurabi? "Before laws existed, it was a wild time."
January 17, 2026 at 9:00 PM
Why does explaining things from your childhood to younger people sound like tales from before the Code of Hammurabi? "Before laws existed, it was a wild time."
Future archaeologists will determine the collection of your children's teeth to be part of a strange ceremony worshiping a tooth-money god.
January 16, 2026 at 9:00 PM
Future archaeologists will determine the collection of your children's teeth to be part of a strange ceremony worshiping a tooth-money god.
Your local historian has just released a book explaining that your small town was started by people who decided going further west was too much work.
January 15, 2026 at 9:00 PM
Your local historian has just released a book explaining that your small town was started by people who decided going further west was too much work.
Read the always hilarious @alicemphillips.bsky.social in her latest Mcsweeney’s piece!
Great news, Bluesky: the War on Protein is over! As everyone's favorite Uruk-hai commander says, "Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys." And looks like Kate Chrisman and I are back on @mcsweeneys.net! Many thanks to @crmonks.bsky.social for publishing our piece. Absolutely thrilled 🍗🥓🥩🍖
January 14, 2026 at 10:25 PM
Read the always hilarious @alicemphillips.bsky.social in her latest Mcsweeney’s piece!
As soon as I figure out how to have an unpaid, deformed assistant, then my mad scientist career can begin.
January 14, 2026 at 9:00 PM
As soon as I figure out how to have an unpaid, deformed assistant, then my mad scientist career can begin.
When will I get to see the architecture digest tour of a local library where the books are organized by color?
January 13, 2026 at 9:00 PM
When will I get to see the architecture digest tour of a local library where the books are organized by color?
Latest trend: Idealization, not just for suicide anymore. You're so perfect that you probably already knew that.
January 12, 2026 at 9:00 PM
Latest trend: Idealization, not just for suicide anymore. You're so perfect that you probably already knew that.
I agree with nature and also abhor vacuuming.
January 11, 2026 at 9:00 PM
I agree with nature and also abhor vacuuming.
Imagine the kids with permissive, doctor parents. They could get a note for anything.
January 10, 2026 at 9:00 PM
Imagine the kids with permissive, doctor parents. They could get a note for anything.
In my new online class, I'll teach you invaluable skills like learning to ignore your problems, and eventually, you'll graduate to running from them.
January 9, 2026 at 9:00 PM
In my new online class, I'll teach you invaluable skills like learning to ignore your problems, and eventually, you'll graduate to running from them.
Your grandma is still proud of the deal she got on the encyclopedia set that only has East and West Germany.
January 8, 2026 at 9:00 PM
Your grandma is still proud of the deal she got on the encyclopedia set that only has East and West Germany.