Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 10d

ok but the last time we had a CEO crash out several cities got hit with nuclear bombs

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 11d

To test your operational readiness, management have released a Tyrant class BOW into this facility. This is ONLY A TEST, and therefore does not trigger the death and dismemberment clause in your medical coverage.

3 9

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 12d

Note that Best Before listed indicates the date before this horse product is at risk of mutating (eyes, legs, teeth). Product arrives in a living state and should be slaughtered before cooking.

3

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 12d

So hungry you could eat a horse? Try the new Edible Mini-Horse from Umbrella Toronto. We've made horses smaller and juicier than ever before.

1 6 8

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 14d

Whoever put Kumar's severed head on the east wing gate spike that is NOT FUNNY, Kumar said that's the one thing he didn't want to happen to his head.

1 11

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 14d

don't drink the t-virus, don't bake the t-virus into cookies, don't stick the t-virus up your ass... this company used to be cool, man

1 17 36

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 14d

rabbit but the ears are mouths [found on a discarded sticky note, unsigned]

1 4

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 14d

its getting a lot harder to secretly supply governments with bioweapons since LinkedIn added "illegal bioweapon expert" to our profile tags

2 9

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 14d

Blue Umbrella CEO Kay Benson would like to assure shareholders she has everything under control, that "waffles are delicious" and that the stockpile of guns in her office is cosmetic.

She also noted that she does not hate trans people, stating "some of our best employees recently transformed."

5 18

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 14d

Recently there have been several articles in the media suggesting issues of gender equality at our company. Rest assured that the small but powerful minorty of female and non-binary executives at Umbrella have just as many war crime allegations as their male colleagues.

2 6

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 14d

does mutating with the g-virus make you a furry?

1 1 7

Reposted by Umbrella Corporation Updates

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 15d

v.hapler (9:55pm): so they dug up the amber with the plagas parasite inside
v.hapler (9:56pm): we were all set to extract it for testing
v.hapler (9:58pm): but the ground crew messed up earlier tonight and damaged the amber with a wrecking ball

v.hapler (10:14pm): it was a resin dent eve L

1 5

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 15d

v.hapler (9:55pm): so they dug up the amber with the plagas parasite inside
v.hapler (9:56pm): we were all set to extract it for testing
v.hapler (9:58pm): but the ground crew messed up earlier tonight and damaged the amber with a wrecking ball

v.hapler (10:14pm): it was a resin dent eve L

1 5

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 15d

licker? i barely even know her! but yeah, in answer to your question, christine WAS killed and eaten

1 8

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 15d

Rollout of Umbrella's new Gem That Makes You Evil has been so successful that we're expanding the range. Soon you will have access to:
- Gem That Makes You Good At Sports
-Gem That Makes You Hot
-Gem That Makes You Respect Your Boss, and
-Gem That Makes You Uncontrollably Defecate On Command

1 9 17

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 15d

can skeleton be a zombie

1 3 9

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 15d

b.benson: so the fake bee goes on the bee board and unlocks the bee key, but there's a real bee hidden with the key that will sting anyone who takes the key, and the bee is infected... with the t-virus? why

y.jas: idk i think we were making honey moisturizer or bee guns or something

2

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 15d

Senator, there is nothing strongly linking those creatures to our company; they could have gotten those Umbrella lab coats anywhere.

4 10

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 15d

Tentacles entering the mouth is a staff medical issue, tentacles exiting the mouth is a company property issue

2 11

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 16d

Dr Isaacs, these statements indicate you spent 63% of your operating budget on chandeliers and clone tubes, and that you requested a total write-off for a "slave-powered battle tank"

3 5

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 16d

so it turns out that guy i had lunch with in the lab cafeteria with a few times was ALSO made of leeches #dating #men #STEM

2 4

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 16d

Red herbal remedy (tablet form) has been recently recalled from sale due to a very small percentage of the tablet coating materials containing batrachotoxin. Full refunds are available for customers who do not suffer terminal cardiac arrest.

Ben, But Slightly Spookier @kosmologyb.bsky.social · 16d

Dear @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social, I am using your new “red herbal remedy” tablets and they appear to have no effect. Could you please advise or should I return them for a refund?

1 6

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · 16d

Thank you for calling the Umbrella Product Services Hotline. Your life is our lifeblood. If you have taken Nuvascol and are experiencing fingertip boils, please press 1.

5 12

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · Jun 30

As of COB on the 30th of June all queer zombies will be incinerated

2 3 6

Umbrella Corporation Updates @umbrellacorphq.bsky.social · Jun 20

is leon s kennedy related to john f kennedy

6