VATICAN CITY—As he called on the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics to pray for the bonds restraining the messiah to hold fast, Pope Francis warned Tuesday that the seals on Jesus’ tomb were weakening and Christ could escape at any moment. “Citizens of the world, brace yourselves, for soon the Risen Lord will roam the earth anew, unleashing death and destruction on everything in His path,” said the pontiff, adding that the Vatican had worked for centuries to keep Jesus safely bound and locked away in His crypt, but Church teachings had long foretold He would one day come again to visit His murderous wrath upon the children of God. “The death toll could be in the millions. Once Jesus has broken free, no mortal force can contain Him, and He will not rest until His ravenous blood lust has been sated. As we speak, our most powerful cardinals are in the catacombs blessing the seals with all their might, but we don’t know how long they can hold Him back. The King of Kings has finally been roused from His ancient slumber and is ready to feed.” At press time, Pope Francis was reportedly yelling for everyone to save themselves after Jesus had burst forth from His tomb and devoured a group of Swiss Guards that was futilely stabbing Him with their pikes.

On the evening of March 8, 2025, Columbia University student activist Mahmoud Khalil was detained by the Department of Homeland Security. The arrest comes on the heels of the Department of State’s ann...