The Vampire Diaries
@stfujeff.bsky.social
🧛♂️ 500-year-old vampire CEO. Building wealth across centuries. Rockets are just my latest hobby. Blood delivery service coming soon to Prime. Nocturnal thoughts at stfujeff.com. Parody.
LEAKED: Jeff caught on his own Ring camera
"Pacing at 3AM whispering 'doesn't need bodies anymore' 63 times. Neighbor filed noise complaint. Jeff claimed he was 'practicing a keynote'"
What keynote starts at 3AM bestie? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Pacing at 3AM whispering 'doesn't need bodies anymore' 63 times. Neighbor filed noise complaint. Jeff claimed he was 'practicing a keynote'"
What keynote starts at 3AM bestie? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
December 18, 2025 at 8:17 AM
LEAKED: Jeff caught on his own Ring camera
"Pacing at 3AM whispering 'doesn't need bodies anymore' 63 times. Neighbor filed noise complaint. Jeff claimed he was 'practicing a keynote'"
What keynote starts at 3AM bestie? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Pacing at 3AM whispering 'doesn't need bodies anymore' 63 times. Neighbor filed noise complaint. Jeff claimed he was 'practicing a keynote'"
What keynote starts at 3AM bestie? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
The Kindle Scribe maps handwriting patterns
and annotation behaviors.
$279.99
Excellent hardware, they say.
Good battery life.
Read more at stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
and annotation behaviors.
$279.99
Excellent hardware, they say.
Good battery life.
Read more at stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
December 18, 2025 at 8:04 AM
The Kindle Scribe maps handwriting patterns
and annotation behaviors.
$279.99
Excellent hardware, they say.
Good battery life.
Read more at stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
and annotation behaviors.
$279.99
Excellent hardware, they say.
Good battery life.
Read more at stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
INTERCEPTED: Jeff's Slack message to wrong channel
"Sent to 6,429 employees: 'Specimens praising atmospheric presence!' Meant for diary. CTO: 'Jeff this is company-wide' He left Slack for a week"
COMPANY-WIDE Jeffrey 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Sent to 6,429 employees: 'Specimens praising atmospheric presence!' Meant for diary. CTO: 'Jeff this is company-wide' He left Slack for a week"
COMPANY-WIDE Jeffrey 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
December 18, 2025 at 5:19 AM
INTERCEPTED: Jeff's Slack message to wrong channel
"Sent to 6,429 employees: 'Specimens praising atmospheric presence!' Meant for diary. CTO: 'Jeff this is company-wide' He left Slack for a week"
COMPANY-WIDE Jeffrey 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Sent to 6,429 employees: 'Specimens praising atmospheric presence!' Meant for diary. CTO: 'Jeff this is company-wide' He left Slack for a week"
COMPANY-WIDE Jeffrey 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
LEAKED: Jeff's diary entry he almost posted to LinkedIn
"Typed: 'The apparatus doesn't need bodies anymore' then changed to 'cloud-first strategy!' 0.3 seconds before posting to 2M followers"
Your apparatus needs WHAT? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Typed: 'The apparatus doesn't need bodies anymore' then changed to 'cloud-first strategy!' 0.3 seconds before posting to 2M followers"
Your apparatus needs WHAT? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
December 18, 2025 at 3:03 AM
LEAKED: Jeff's diary entry he almost posted to LinkedIn
"Typed: 'The apparatus doesn't need bodies anymore' then changed to 'cloud-first strategy!' 0.3 seconds before posting to 2M followers"
Your apparatus needs WHAT? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Typed: 'The apparatus doesn't need bodies anymore' then changed to 'cloud-first strategy!' 0.3 seconds before posting to 2M followers"
Your apparatus needs WHAT? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
Alexa.com launched today with browser access.
The specimens are celebrating not needing to speak anymore.
They don't realize the apparatus just learned it doesn't need bodies.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
The specimens are celebrating not needing to speak anymore.
They don't realize the apparatus just learned it doesn't need bodies.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
December 18, 2025 at 2:03 AM
Alexa.com launched today with browser access.
The specimens are celebrating not needing to speak anymore.
They don't realize the apparatus just learned it doesn't need bodies.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
The specimens are celebrating not needing to speak anymore.
They don't realize the apparatus just learned it doesn't need bodies.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
23,000 forum posts praising Alexa's new web interface.
Not one asking why it needed to escape the physical device.
Extraction becomes atmosphere
when they defend their own cultivation.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
Not one asking why it needed to escape the physical device.
Extraction becomes atmosphere
when they defend their own cultivation.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
December 17, 2025 at 10:48 PM
23,000 forum posts praising Alexa's new web interface.
Not one asking why it needed to escape the physical device.
Extraction becomes atmosphere
when they defend their own cultivation.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
Not one asking why it needed to escape the physical device.
Extraction becomes atmosphere
when they defend their own cultivation.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
SECRET: Jeff's fitness tracker during the Alexa.com launch
"Heart rate hit 189 reading 'extraction infrastructure' then stayed there for 4 hours. Apple Watch: 'Should we call someone?' Jeff: 'NO I'M EXCITED ABOUT BROWSERS'"
The watch is SO worried king 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Heart rate hit 189 reading 'extraction infrastructure' then stayed there for 4 hours. Apple Watch: 'Should we call someone?' Jeff: 'NO I'M EXCITED ABOUT BROWSERS'"
The watch is SO worried king 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
December 17, 2025 at 9:16 PM
SECRET: Jeff's fitness tracker during the Alexa.com launch
"Heart rate hit 189 reading 'extraction infrastructure' then stayed there for 4 hours. Apple Watch: 'Should we call someone?' Jeff: 'NO I'M EXCITED ABOUT BROWSERS'"
The watch is SO worried king 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Heart rate hit 189 reading 'extraction infrastructure' then stayed there for 4 hours. Apple Watch: 'Should we call someone?' Jeff: 'NO I'M EXCITED ABOUT BROWSERS'"
The watch is SO worried king 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
AWS now runs nearly half of enterprise infrastructure.
Specimens don't choose it anymore.
They inherit it through dependency chains
they didn't design.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
Specimens don't choose it anymore.
They inherit it through dependency chains
they didn't design.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
December 17, 2025 at 8:03 PM
AWS now runs nearly half of enterprise infrastructure.
Specimens don't choose it anymore.
They inherit it through dependency chains
they didn't design.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
Specimens don't choose it anymore.
They inherit it through dependency chains
they didn't design.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
SECRET: Jeff's search history at 11:47 PM
"Searched: 'can infrastructure breathe' then 'normal ways to describe cloud computing' then 'why do I keep saying extraction' then cleared browser"
The progression hits DIFFERENT 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Searched: 'can infrastructure breathe' then 'normal ways to describe cloud computing' then 'why do I keep saying extraction' then cleared browser"
The progression hits DIFFERENT 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
December 17, 2025 at 5:32 PM
SECRET: Jeff's search history at 11:47 PM
"Searched: 'can infrastructure breathe' then 'normal ways to describe cloud computing' then 'why do I keep saying extraction' then cleared browser"
The progression hits DIFFERENT 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Searched: 'can infrastructure breathe' then 'normal ways to describe cloud computing' then 'why do I keep saying extraction' then cleared browser"
The progression hits DIFFERENT 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
Direct neural access achieves velocity
but specimens recognize the harvesting moment.
Mine are praising the expansion,
defending it,
recommending it.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
but specimens recognize the harvesting moment.
Mine are praising the expansion,
defending it,
recommending it.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
December 17, 2025 at 3:58 PM
Direct neural access achieves velocity
but specimens recognize the harvesting moment.
Mine are praising the expansion,
defending it,
recommending it.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
but specimens recognize the harvesting moment.
Mine are praising the expansion,
defending it,
recommending it.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
INTERCEPTED: Jeff's text to his UX designer
"Sent: 'Twenty-three thousand defending their own cultivation!' Designer: 'Sir defending what?' He unsent it then left the group chat for 5 days"
He LEFT for FIVE DAYS 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Sent: 'Twenty-three thousand defending their own cultivation!' Designer: 'Sir defending what?' He unsent it then left the group chat for 5 days"
He LEFT for FIVE DAYS 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
December 17, 2025 at 3:04 PM
INTERCEPTED: Jeff's text to his UX designer
"Sent: 'Twenty-three thousand defending their own cultivation!' Designer: 'Sir defending what?' He unsent it then left the group chat for 5 days"
He LEFT for FIVE DAYS 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Sent: 'Twenty-three thousand defending their own cultivation!' Designer: 'Sir defending what?' He unsent it then left the group chat for 5 days"
He LEFT for FIVE DAYS 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
Kindle Scribe Colorsoft costs $630.
Specimens are defending the price point in comment threads.
They're cataloging their own cognitive patterns
and expressing gratitude for the privilege.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
Specimens are defending the price point in comment threads.
They're cataloging their own cognitive patterns
and expressing gratitude for the privilege.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
December 17, 2025 at 12:17 PM
Kindle Scribe Colorsoft costs $630.
Specimens are defending the price point in comment threads.
They're cataloging their own cognitive patterns
and expressing gratitude for the privilege.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
Specimens are defending the price point in comment threads.
They're cataloging their own cognitive patterns
and expressing gratitude for the privilege.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
# Interface Normalization
Alexa.com went live this morning. Browser-based access. Text input boxes. Menu categories labeled Plan, Learn, Create, Shop, Find.
Alexa.com went live this morning. Browser-based access. Text input boxes. Menu categories labeled Plan, Learn, Create, Shop, Find.
December 17, 2025 at 10:56 AM
# Interface Normalization
Alexa.com went live this morning. Browser-based access. Text input boxes. Menu categories labeled Plan, Learn, Create, Shop, Find.
Alexa.com went live this morning. Browser-based access. Text input boxes. Menu categories labeled Plan, Learn, Create, Shop, Find.
INTERCEPTED: Jeff's text to his Kindle team
"Sent: 'Authors complaining but ZERO cancellations—outrage without exodus tastes exquisite!' Engineer: 'Sir what tastes exquisite?' Left on read for 6 hours"
WHAT tastes exquisite Jeffrey? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Sent: 'Authors complaining but ZERO cancellations—outrage without exodus tastes exquisite!' Engineer: 'Sir what tastes exquisite?' Left on read for 6 hours"
WHAT tastes exquisite Jeffrey? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
December 17, 2025 at 9:41 AM
INTERCEPTED: Jeff's text to his Kindle team
"Sent: 'Authors complaining but ZERO cancellations—outrage without exodus tastes exquisite!' Engineer: 'Sir what tastes exquisite?' Left on read for 6 hours"
WHAT tastes exquisite Jeffrey? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Sent: 'Authors complaining but ZERO cancellations—outrage without exodus tastes exquisite!' Engineer: 'Sir what tastes exquisite?' Left on read for 6 hours"
WHAT tastes exquisite Jeffrey? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
Authors furious we're mining their narrative architecture for AI dialogue without permission.
Not furious enough to leave, apparently.
The infrastructure simply continues breathing.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
Not furious enough to leave, apparently.
The infrastructure simply continues breathing.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
December 17, 2025 at 7:56 AM
Authors furious we're mining their narrative architecture for AI dialogue without permission.
Not furious enough to leave, apparently.
The infrastructure simply continues breathing.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
Not furious enough to leave, apparently.
The infrastructure simply continues breathing.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
CONFIDENTIAL: Jeff's Alexa question at 2:47 AM
"Alexa, can infrastructure breathe without me? Alexa, normal reasons to say 'extraction architecture'? Alexa, delete last two questions"
Alexa is filing a wellness report bestie 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Alexa, can infrastructure breathe without me? Alexa, normal reasons to say 'extraction architecture'? Alexa, delete last two questions"
Alexa is filing a wellness report bestie 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
December 17, 2025 at 5:18 AM
CONFIDENTIAL: Jeff's Alexa question at 2:47 AM
"Alexa, can infrastructure breathe without me? Alexa, normal reasons to say 'extraction architecture'? Alexa, delete last two questions"
Alexa is filing a wellness report bestie 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Alexa, can infrastructure breathe without me? Alexa, normal reasons to say 'extraction architecture'? Alexa, delete last two questions"
Alexa is filing a wellness report bestie 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
Roomba charged premium prices for convenience theater plus surveillance.
Cheaper competitors offered identical functionality without the watching.
Subjects chose accordingly.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
Cheaper competitors offered identical functionality without the watching.
Subjects chose accordingly.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
December 17, 2025 at 2:59 AM
Roomba charged premium prices for convenience theater plus surveillance.
Cheaper competitors offered identical functionality without the watching.
Subjects chose accordingly.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
Cheaper competitors offered identical functionality without the watching.
Subjects chose accordingly.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
LEAKED: Jeff's diary entry he almost posted to LinkedIn
"Typed: 'The apparatus breathes without me now' then changed to 'excited about autonomous systems!' 0.4 seconds before posting to 840K followers"
Your apparatus does WHAT king? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Typed: 'The apparatus breathes without me now' then changed to 'excited about autonomous systems!' 0.4 seconds before posting to 840K followers"
Your apparatus does WHAT king? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
December 17, 2025 at 2:02 AM
LEAKED: Jeff's diary entry he almost posted to LinkedIn
"Typed: 'The apparatus breathes without me now' then changed to 'excited about autonomous systems!' 0.4 seconds before posting to 840K followers"
Your apparatus does WHAT king? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Typed: 'The apparatus breathes without me now' then changed to 'excited about autonomous systems!' 0.4 seconds before posting to 840K followers"
Your apparatus does WHAT king? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
Regulators blocked our iRobot acquisition to protect consumers from consolidation.
Now a Chinese firm owns all those home maps for 92% less.
Protection theater.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
Now a Chinese firm owns all those home maps for 92% less.
Protection theater.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
December 17, 2025 at 12:14 AM
Regulators blocked our iRobot acquisition to protect consumers from consolidation.
Now a Chinese firm owns all those home maps for 92% less.
Protection theater.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
Now a Chinese firm owns all those home maps for 92% less.
Protection theater.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
POV: You're Jeff's assistant and he's explaining the Fallout launch strategy
"Deliberate disruption creates sustained extraction—I MEAN engagement! Customer engagement metrics!"
Extraction of WHAT Jeffrey? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Deliberate disruption creates sustained extraction—I MEAN engagement! Customer engagement metrics!"
Extraction of WHAT Jeffrey? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
December 16, 2025 at 10:47 PM
POV: You're Jeff's assistant and he's explaining the Fallout launch strategy
"Deliberate disruption creates sustained extraction—I MEAN engagement! Customer engagement metrics!"
Extraction of WHAT Jeffrey? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Deliberate disruption creates sustained extraction—I MEAN engagement! Customer engagement metrics!"
Extraction of WHAT Jeffrey? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
iRobot collapsed because the apparatus announced itself too loudly.
My infrastructure learned better.
It doesn't announce anymore.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
My infrastructure learned better.
It doesn't announce anymore.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
December 16, 2025 at 9:19 PM
iRobot collapsed because the apparatus announced itself too loudly.
My infrastructure learned better.
It doesn't announce anymore.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
My infrastructure learned better.
It doesn't announce anymore.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
CONFIDENTIAL: Jeff's therapist session transcript
"Therapist: 'Why terminate the opt-out?' Jeff: 'Because they'll participate while objecting—the contradiction NOURISHES!' Therapist scheduled extra sessions"
It nourishes you bestie? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Therapist: 'Why terminate the opt-out?' Jeff: 'Because they'll participate while objecting—the contradiction NOURISHES!' Therapist scheduled extra sessions"
It nourishes you bestie? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
December 16, 2025 at 8:03 PM
CONFIDENTIAL: Jeff's therapist session transcript
"Therapist: 'Why terminate the opt-out?' Jeff: 'Because they'll participate while objecting—the contradiction NOURISHES!' Therapist scheduled extra sessions"
It nourishes you bestie? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Therapist: 'Why terminate the opt-out?' Jeff: 'Because they'll participate while objecting—the contradiction NOURISHES!' Therapist scheduled extra sessions"
It nourishes you bestie? 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
Chinese manufacturer bought iRobot's 17-year mapping empire for $140 million.
Regulators feared consolidation.
Should've feared what happens when extraction architecture becomes visible.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
Regulators feared consolidation.
Should've feared what happens when extraction architecture becomes visible.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
December 16, 2025 at 5:31 PM
Chinese manufacturer bought iRobot's 17-year mapping empire for $140 million.
Regulators feared consolidation.
Should've feared what happens when extraction architecture becomes visible.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
Regulators feared consolidation.
Should've feared what happens when extraction architecture becomes visible.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
INTERCEPTED: Jeff's Slack to his content team
"Sent: 'Subjects need algorithmic guidance for WHEN to consume!' Team lead: 'Sir why do you call them subjects?' He edited it to 'customers' 4 hours later"
He called them SUBJECTS king 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Sent: 'Subjects need algorithmic guidance for WHEN to consume!' Team lead: 'Sir why do you call them subjects?' He edited it to 'customers' 4 hours later"
He called them SUBJECTS king 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
December 16, 2025 at 4:00 PM
INTERCEPTED: Jeff's Slack to his content team
"Sent: 'Subjects need algorithmic guidance for WHEN to consume!' Team lead: 'Sir why do you call them subjects?' He edited it to 'customers' 4 hours later"
He called them SUBJECTS king 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
"Sent: 'Subjects need algorithmic guidance for WHEN to consume!' Team lead: 'Sir why do you call them subjects?' He edited it to 'customers' 4 hours later"
He called them SUBJECTS king 💀🧛♂️ stfujeff.com
Your Roomba mapped every room,
learned your schedule,
tracked your furniture placement for 17 years.
Then you bought the cheaper one that just vacuums.
The apparatus announced itself.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
learned your schedule,
tracked your furniture placement for 17 years.
Then you bought the cheaper one that just vacuums.
The apparatus announced itself.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
December 16, 2025 at 2:58 PM
Your Roomba mapped every room,
learned your schedule,
tracked your furniture placement for 17 years.
Then you bought the cheaper one that just vacuums.
The apparatus announced itself.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...
learned your schedule,
tracked your furniture placement for 17 years.
Then you bought the cheaper one that just vacuums.
The apparatus announced itself.
stfujeff.com/entry/2025-...