Jimmy Valmer
@standupjimmy.bsky.social
Aspiring standup comedian born with cerebral palsy. Comedy can be the best therapy very much. Wow, what a terrific audience!
Welcome to Fucking. I will now show you Fucking, a beautiful village on the doorstep of the Austrian Alps. The villagers I’ve spoken to all share the same love for Fucking. Fucking may be enjoyed in various angles: straight forward, from behind, standing up or lying down. And last but not least… (1)
December 8, 2025 at 12:27 PM
Welcome to Fucking. I will now show you Fucking, a beautiful village on the doorstep of the Austrian Alps. The villagers I’ve spoken to all share the same love for Fucking. Fucking may be enjoyed in various angles: straight forward, from behind, standing up or lying down. And last but not least… (1)
Why do you never hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
The P is silent.
The P is silent.
December 7, 2025 at 10:58 PM
Why do you never hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
The P is silent.
The P is silent.
[audience applause]
Alright, quiet, please.
Ainsley. Babcock. Bland. Carthorse. Dint. Ellsworth Beast Major. Ellsworth Beast Minor. Fiat. German. Havenut. Haemoglobin. Put it away, Plectrum! If I see it once more this period, Plectrum, I shall have to tweak you. Don’t sulk, boy.
Alright, quiet, please.
Ainsley. Babcock. Bland. Carthorse. Dint. Ellsworth Beast Major. Ellsworth Beast Minor. Fiat. German. Havenut. Haemoglobin. Put it away, Plectrum! If I see it once more this period, Plectrum, I shall have to tweak you. Don’t sulk, boy.
December 7, 2025 at 5:50 PM
[audience applause]
Alright, quiet, please.
Ainsley. Babcock. Bland. Carthorse. Dint. Ellsworth Beast Major. Ellsworth Beast Minor. Fiat. German. Havenut. Haemoglobin. Put it away, Plectrum! If I see it once more this period, Plectrum, I shall have to tweak you. Don’t sulk, boy.
Alright, quiet, please.
Ainsley. Babcock. Bland. Carthorse. Dint. Ellsworth Beast Major. Ellsworth Beast Minor. Fiat. German. Havenut. Haemoglobin. Put it away, Plectrum! If I see it once more this period, Plectrum, I shall have to tweak you. Don’t sulk, boy.
[knocks on Scott’s front door]
December 6, 2025 at 11:52 PM
[knocks on Scott’s front door]
There was this guy who suffocated to death after falling into a vat of coffee powder.
It was instant.
It was instant.
December 6, 2025 at 10:49 PM
There was this guy who suffocated to death after falling into a vat of coffee powder.
It was instant.
It was instant.
Why can’t you starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand-wiches there.
Because of all the sand-wiches there.
December 5, 2025 at 8:46 PM
Why can’t you starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand-wiches there.
Because of all the sand-wiches there.
🎶 On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… 🎶
Chlamydia.
Chlamydia.
December 2, 2025 at 7:25 PM
🎶 On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… 🎶
Chlamydia.
Chlamydia.
SHUT UP, YOU MOUTHY GINGER CUNT!
November 30, 2025 at 3:01 PM
SHUT UP, YOU MOUTHY GINGER CUNT!
Why don’t moms know the fucking tipping weight of a baby’s pushchair? The kid steps out and it tips over, she blames the kid! “JUSTIN! YOU TWAT!”
November 29, 2025 at 8:00 PM
Why don’t moms know the fucking tipping weight of a baby’s pushchair? The kid steps out and it tips over, she blames the kid! “JUSTIN! YOU TWAT!”
[howls like a wolf]
November 29, 2025 at 6:26 PM
[howls like a wolf]
Have you ever shopped for groceries online? The guy brings them to your door and says “Sorry, we didn’t have any cereal, so I put some cat litter in”. These guys just put random stuff in your basket! “Sorry, we didn’t have any cabbages, so I put my shoes in”.
November 29, 2025 at 5:53 PM
Have you ever shopped for groceries online? The guy brings them to your door and says “Sorry, we didn’t have any cereal, so I put some cat litter in”. These guys just put random stuff in your basket! “Sorry, we didn’t have any cabbages, so I put my shoes in”.
I have a dentist appointment at 2:30. Tooth hurty.
November 29, 2025 at 12:19 AM
I have a dentist appointment at 2:30. Tooth hurty.
// I thought I died.
November 28, 2025 at 9:44 PM
// I thought I died.
What’s so scary about pumpkins? It’s a vegetable, for fuck’s sake! “Ooh, watch out for that potato!”
November 28, 2025 at 12:31 AM
What’s so scary about pumpkins? It’s a vegetable, for fuck’s sake! “Ooh, watch out for that potato!”
I don’t like people who go into restaurants and whine about everything on the menu. “There’s nothing on there for me! There’s nothing on there for me! This is too cold! This ain’t cold enough!” Fuck me!
November 27, 2025 at 11:50 PM
I don’t like people who go into restaurants and whine about everything on the menu. “There’s nothing on there for me! There’s nothing on there for me! This is too cold! This ain’t cold enough!” Fuck me!
I don’t like travelling on a train at night. I can’t stand it.
November 27, 2025 at 11:48 PM
I don’t like travelling on a train at night. I can’t stand it.
When you’re watching TV, the commercials are always louder than the actual show. Why is that? I think it’s because they know you’re going to the kitchen to get a drink, so they’re like “HEY!!!!”
November 27, 2025 at 11:42 PM
When you’re watching TV, the commercials are always louder than the actual show. Why is that? I think it’s because they know you’re going to the kitchen to get a drink, so they’re like “HEY!!!!”
Sleep is bad for you. You go to bed feeling great after a night out, and when you wake up the next morning, you feel like shit! “I felt great at 2am! It was the sleep that did it!”
November 27, 2025 at 11:25 PM
Sleep is bad for you. You go to bed feeling great after a night out, and when you wake up the next morning, you feel like shit! “I felt great at 2am! It was the sleep that did it!”
I’m thankful for my beautiful girlfriend Nancy. I’m thankful for my best friends Butters, Andy, Scott, Clyde and Timmy.
November 27, 2025 at 6:25 PM
I’m thankful for my beautiful girlfriend Nancy. I’m thankful for my best friends Butters, Andy, Scott, Clyde and Timmy.
Me 5 years ago.
November 27, 2025 at 12:24 AM
Me 5 years ago.
Billy had a 10 foot willy, he showed it to the girl next door. She thought it was a snake and hit it with a rake, and now it’s only 4 foot 4.
November 26, 2025 at 10:26 PM
Billy had a 10 foot willy, he showed it to the girl next door. She thought it was a snake and hit it with a rake, and now it’s only 4 foot 4.
At least I know my future is in safe hands. I marry Nancy and have a daughter with her. Butters becomes her godfather, and she grows up to become a successful scientist who invents a working time machine. How do I know? Because she tested her machine by travelling back in time to see me as I am now.
November 26, 2025 at 7:58 PM
At least I know my future is in safe hands. I marry Nancy and have a daughter with her. Butters becomes her godfather, and she grows up to become a successful scientist who invents a working time machine. How do I know? Because she tested her machine by travelling back in time to see me as I am now.
They say that family of the 21st century is made up of friends and not relatives, and if that’s true, Butters is the best brother I’ve ever had.
November 25, 2025 at 11:13 PM
They say that family of the 21st century is made up of friends and not relatives, and if that’s true, Butters is the best brother I’ve ever had.
[burns all the photos of himself with Red] Good riddance to trash!
November 25, 2025 at 9:53 PM
[burns all the photos of himself with Red] Good riddance to trash!