Author | Lightnews

Sean Patrick

@seanptellsjokes.bsky.social

77 followers 76 following 1.3K posts

I don’t know what your opinion is of European newspapers like Le Monde and Die Welt, but they mean the world to me. https://youtu.be/a7TrgcHupo0?si=x84By3r1pec4o-KT

youtu.be

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Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 1d

Camus wrote a book called "The Myth Of Sisyphus". No myth, mate - my grandad had it. Cairo during the war. Gran was furious.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 1d

“I’d love to be a fly on the wall in Madonna’s bathroom!”
“Why?”
“I’m a coprophiliac.”

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 2d

If smoking's so bad for your health, how come you never see a beagle at the doctor's?

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 4d

My name is Steven
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes, I think you’ve seen me before
If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight
That’s probably my neighbour Luka

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 6d

“Actually, the swastika was originally a Hindu symbol for peace.”
“Likewise, the massive spunking cock and bollocks I’ve engraved on your car bonnet was once used in cave paintings to bring fertility.”

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 6d

I kind of miss playing on the X-box.

Though, if you believe what SHE says, me calling it her “box” is the reason she’s my ex.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 6d

I met a traveller from an antique land,
Who said - “Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert … their knees have gone all
Trembly.”

Percy Bysshe Shelley, “OzyArdilles”

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 8d

Spare the rod, spoil the jane and freddy.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 9d

Doctor: “I want you to defecate into this Tupperware container and bring it to me so I can test it.”
Me: “So, you’re a doctor. What made you come to speed dating?”

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 9d

Can’t be doing with #TheShining . We’ve all stayed in a rubbish hotel, mate - leave a review and move on.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 9d

I wish Mumford had worn a condom.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 9d

Hey guys - have you tried bacon? It's delicious. Kind of like omnivores' halloumi.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 9d

I want to thank the people who helped me come through my tanning addiction. You were with me in my darkest hours.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 9d

"I get up when I want to, except every single morning, when I get rudely awakened by two elephants fucking in a very confined space."

Noah's Arklife

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 9d

Loads of magpies on my balcony. Reminds me of that old poem:

One for sorrow
Two for joy
Three for a girl
Four thousand for a Hitchcock film

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 9d

Friend with dog: “He’s such a clever boy, he understands everything you say!”
Me: “Really? Because I’ve told him to fuck off three times now, yet here he still is.”

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 10d

Remember, remember the fifth of November. Otherwise you will find there is a day missing from the month and your calendar won't work.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 10d

Spoiler for anyone who hasn't ever seen The Mousetrap.

It's not even a real mouse.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 10d

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.”

“Your Honour, my client appreciates your commitment to fairness, but respectfully asks you when he might get his shoes back, as he has work in the morning.”

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 10d

We named our daughter Margaret, after that most famous and beloved of British Margarets - Margaret Harborough.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 11d

Orang utans! Afraid of being wiped out? Maybe try not bring fucking bright ginger against a green background, yeah?

TWATS.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 11d

Big shout out to East Midland Railways for the mirrors behind the toilets. I can’t see my face, or even my neck, but I do get a perfect view of piss coming out of my cock, which was no doubt the goal.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 13d

A pal in Drôme is a pal in Frome.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 13d

Today is Columbus Day. If I was in America I would spend the whole day walking round, then stopping without warning and saying "ah - just one more thing!" and then pretending to be confused when people corrected me.

Sean Patrick @seanptellsjokes.bsky.social · 13d

One of the great advantages of living alone is being able to walk round your own home in the nude. Sure, the cleaner doesn't like it, but who pays her wages?