Lauren Flans
@laurenflans.bsky.social
I love three things: my dog, 60s/70s folk rock, and Rachel Weisz. Everything else I am merely tolerating. Check out comingoutpod.com 🏳️🌈 Sorry about all the semicolons; I can't help it.
OnlyFlans: bit.ly/flansposts
pls pay me 2 write 4 u thx 🙏
OnlyFlans: bit.ly/flansposts
pls pay me 2 write 4 u thx 🙏
Pinned
Several people have asked if I would be doing #ChampagneProblems for #Flansmas, as if I could resist the allure of FRANCE IN DECEMBER (filmed in July)! 😍 Die hard Flansmas fans know that I usually find the Netflix originals WAY too competently-made for my liking, but we'll find out tonight... 🍾🎄
By popular demand, here is my #Flansmas thread for Netflix's #ChampagneProblems! Spoiler alert: I never figured out what I know Minka Kelly from 🇫🇷🍾🎄
Welp, one step closer to the simulation theory tonight.
I don't believe we "live in a simulation" or whatever the fuck, but honestly the best argument for it is how hyperbolically awful *everything* that happens is. Like we can't just have a beloved actor live to 95 and then die of old age; it has to be under the most GRUESOME circumstances imaginable.
December 15, 2025 at 6:45 AM
Welp, one step closer to the simulation theory tonight.
I am watching a Hallmark Christmas movie starring Chad Michael Murray that regrettably just had a genuinely funny line. He used to produce a Christmas special but he left to go make nature documentaries, and the new producer just referred to them as "PSAs for bears." "PSAs for bears" is funny.
December 15, 2025 at 4:52 AM
I am watching a Hallmark Christmas movie starring Chad Michael Murray that regrettably just had a genuinely funny line. He used to produce a Christmas special but he left to go make nature documentaries, and the new producer just referred to them as "PSAs for bears." "PSAs for bears" is funny.
I am seeing A LOT of kissing more than five minutes before the credits roll and I am NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.
If the two leads in a made-for-TV Christmas movie kiss at ANY time other than the last five minutes before the credits roll, I will fly into an UNPARALLELED RAGE. You get ONE kiss, and it must be in THE FINAL MOMENTS OF THE MOVIE! Otherwise, you might as well be making A PORNO.
December 14, 2025 at 7:01 AM
I am seeing A LOT of kissing more than five minutes before the credits roll and I am NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.
Just saw a Honda commercial with a jingle where the only words were "Driving in a Honda wonderland" sung twice.
Just saw a commercial for Sprite where they referred to a basketball player named Anthony Edwards as "Anta Claus" and then at the end of the commercial he said "Merry Spritemas to all and to all a good Sprite."
December 14, 2025 at 6:48 AM
Just saw a Honda commercial with a jingle where the only words were "Driving in a Honda wonderland" sung twice.
Reposted by Lauren Flans
If I had a time machine, I wouldn't go kill Hitler or see the dinosaurs or anything like that. I would send Mariah Carey back in time to the Nativity so that she could perform both All I Want For Christmas Is You and Oh Santa! and then ask Jesus which one he liked better. The answer may surprise us!
December 18, 2024 at 9:14 PM
If I had a time machine, I wouldn't go kill Hitler or see the dinosaurs or anything like that. I would send Mariah Carey back in time to the Nativity so that she could perform both All I Want For Christmas Is You and Oh Santa! and then ask Jesus which one he liked better. The answer may surprise us!
Your dad is a radicalized Trumper. My dad likes the comic whose whole thing is "I'm not fat - I'm FLUFFY! 🤣" We are not the same (your dad is slightly worse).
December 12, 2025 at 11:14 PM
Your dad is a radicalized Trumper. My dad likes the comic whose whole thing is "I'm not fat - I'm FLUFFY! 🤣" We are not the same (your dad is slightly worse).
As some of you may know, my SON has been in a CONE, so he and I both need a movie that is guaranteed stupid. As such, tonight for #Flansmas I will be watching #MarryChristmas, which stars all three Lawrence brothers AND THEIR MOTHER, and was also directed by THE LEAST-FAMOUS LAWRENCE BROTHER 💍
December 12, 2025 at 4:01 AM
As some of you may know, my SON has been in a CONE, so he and I both need a movie that is guaranteed stupid. As such, tonight for #Flansmas I will be watching #MarryChristmas, which stars all three Lawrence brothers AND THEIR MOTHER, and was also directed by THE LEAST-FAMOUS LAWRENCE BROTHER 💍
This is truly glorious and everyone should see/hear it 🎅🙏👨
The Weather Girls - Dear Santa (Bring Me A Man This Christmas)
YouTube video by TheWeatherGirlsVEVO
youtu.be
December 11, 2025 at 10:16 PM
This is truly glorious and everyone should see/hear it 🎅🙏👨
#Flansmas has been on a brief hiatus as my small son has been in a cone since Sunday (he's fine; he just scratched his little eye again 🥺) and my typing arm has been serving a higher purpose. But it will be back soon! In the meantime, please enjoy one of my favorite out-of-context #Flansmas posts.
December 11, 2025 at 6:12 AM
Reposted by Lauren Flans
"We are not daily beggars that beg from door to door, but we are neighbor's children whom you have seen before" sounds exactly like something some shady-ass daily beggars would say.
December 10, 2025 at 2:35 AM
"We are not daily beggars that beg from door to door, but we are neighbor's children whom you have seen before" sounds exactly like something some shady-ass daily beggars would say.
oh hello it is 82° in los angeles on december 10th i give The Planet™️ three more months tops 🙂
December 10, 2025 at 9:08 PM
oh hello it is 82° in los angeles on december 10th i give The Planet™️ three more months tops 🙂
Two years ago I had a free trial to The Hallmark Channel and being able to just have #Flansmas movies constantly streaming in the background as opposed to having to seek out and select them based on synopses was such a thing of beauty that I still think about it 🙏
I am watching a Hallmark Christmas movie where Lacey Chabert and Mariah Carey play former high school rivals. Lacey Chabert was born in 1982. Mariah Carey was born in 1969.
December 10, 2025 at 8:27 AM
Two years ago I had a free trial to The Hallmark Channel and being able to just have #Flansmas movies constantly streaming in the background as opposed to having to seek out and select them based on synopses was such a thing of beauty that I still think about it 🙏
JINGLE BELL HEIST ON NETFLIX IS GREAT! I have no idea why they gave it such a dumb, misleading title but it is lovely and British and you should watch it so that they make more movies like it instead of movies that feel like they were written by AI and/or people who actively hate movies 🎅💰
December 10, 2025 at 6:21 AM
JINGLE BELL HEIST ON NETFLIX IS GREAT! I have no idea why they gave it such a dumb, misleading title but it is lovely and British and you should watch it so that they make more movies like it instead of movies that feel like they were written by AI and/or people who actively hate movies 🎅💰
I have been trying to get up off the couch to make dinner for some time now but my small son is trapped in a cone and rn he is so comfy despite this fact so there is literally no way I can move.
December 10, 2025 at 3:02 AM
I have been trying to get up off the couch to make dinner for some time now but my small son is trapped in a cone and rn he is so comfy despite this fact so there is literally no way I can move.
Bing Crosby? You mean the search engine?
December 9, 2025 at 3:49 AM
Bing Crosby? You mean the search engine?
TSA checkpoints are set up throughout all U.S. airports to make sure the bucket covers YOUR WHOLE HEAD.
The year is 2028. If you want to travel by plane, you must now be dressed in formal wear, but you also must legally have an empty bucket of KFC covering your whole head.
December 9, 2025 at 1:58 AM
TSA checkpoints are set up throughout all U.S. airports to make sure the bucket covers YOUR WHOLE HEAD.
The year is 2028. If you want to travel by plane, you must now be dressed in formal wear, but you also must legally have an empty bucket of KFC covering your whole head.
December 9, 2025 at 1:49 AM
The year is 2028. If you want to travel by plane, you must now be dressed in formal wear, but you also must legally have an empty bucket of KFC covering your whole head.
uh oh now paramount is all "grrr me hungry too" hard to keep up with all this tbh
what's all this i'm hearing about netflix eating warner bros and then going "mm yum yum more" ?
December 9, 2025 at 1:15 AM
uh oh now paramount is all "grrr me hungry too" hard to keep up with all this tbh
put "River" on your christmas playlists you cowards
December 9, 2025 at 1:10 AM
put "River" on your christmas playlists you cowards
Reposted by Lauren Flans
I don't think that we as a society have taken enough time to grieve the loss of Gwen Stefani (she's still alive; she just sucks now).
April 29, 2025 at 7:18 PM
I don't think that we as a society have taken enough time to grieve the loss of Gwen Stefani (she's still alive; she just sucks now).
Just remembered that in my dream last night I was like "You know how some people get really annoyed if you say 'ATM machine?' Well, saying 'E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial' is basically the same thing. It's redundant." And everybody I was with was like "omg you're totally right."
December 8, 2025 at 6:52 AM
Just remembered that in my dream last night I was like "You know how some people get really annoyed if you say 'ATM machine?' Well, saying 'E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial' is basically the same thing. It's redundant." And everybody I was with was like "omg you're totally right."
Wowwww the most recent episode of Pluribus is - in my opinion - the most accurate representation yet of what it feels like to still be Covid-conscious. And the funny/sad part is it's obviously completely unintentional, since the people who made it are not *themselves* Covid-conscious 🙃 Some of you ⬇️
December 8, 2025 at 6:23 AM
Wowwww the most recent episode of Pluribus is - in my opinion - the most accurate representation yet of what it feels like to still be Covid-conscious. And the funny/sad part is it's obviously completely unintentional, since the people who made it are not *themselves* Covid-conscious 🙃 Some of you ⬇️
Reposted by Lauren Flans
simply
haaaaving
an ugly divorce with Grimes
haaaaving
an ugly divorce with Grimes
simply
haaaaving
a very large glass of wine
haaaaving
a very large glass of wine
December 25, 2024 at 9:50 PM
simply
haaaaving
an ugly divorce with Grimes
haaaaving
an ugly divorce with Grimes
Movie you’ve watched more than six times with a gif. Hard mode: no Stars (Wars nor Trek), LOTR, or Marvel, Disney Animated or Pixar.
December 7, 2025 at 10:55 PM
Movie you’ve watched more than six times with a gif. Hard mode: no Stars (Wars nor Trek), LOTR, or Marvel, Disney Animated or Pixar.