Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

John-Paul

@jpkeates.com

1.4K followers 2.7K following 2.3K posts

A dyslexic genius with a brian the size of a planet. Retired. Mostly jokes. Sixties British male, living in the middle. Slightly left of centre and socially awkward. #LunchPun #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

Posts Media Videos Starter Packs

Pinned

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · Nov 13

Everything started to kick off, and I was about to open a can of whoop-ass, then realised it would be much nicer if I reused some of yesterday’s leftover fresh ass and quickly knocked together a new batch of whoop.

#Joke

2 14

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 1d

I apologise if my response offended or annoyed you. I wasn't trying to explain what asynchronous meant, but I can see it could have been better expressed.

The last thing I was trying to do was belittle anyone. Definitely that's on me. Sorry.

2 3

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 1d

It could be because the communication is asynchronous. A phone call demands a one-to-one resource for the duration of the call. One person can respond to multiple online requests (effectively) at the same time.

It's why companies prefer online chat support (it's also much easier to move it abroad)

1 1

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 1d

Pharaoh Tutankhamen was famous before he was ruler of Egypt.

While merely ranked as Count Tutankhamen, he introduced numbers to the country.

#LunchPun

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 2d

Or a face mask that makes you look like a janitor when you pull it off.

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 4d

No.

Guardian sub headline "Will UK taxpayers get their £122m back from PPE Medpro?"

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 5d

When you're Armie Hammer, every other actor looks like Jimmy Nail.

1 4

Reposted by John-Paul

Max @maxharvey79.bsky.social · 5d

Mick Jagger gets cheap dog treats when the pet shop accepts Indian currency.

It's a good buy, Rupee chews day.

#LunchPun

1 11

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 5d

Turns out that the French for undertaker isn't Croak Monsieur, after all.

#LunchPun

1 15

Reposted by John-Paul

Robyn Painter @rozzypunter.bsky.social · 6d

People don't believe me when I tell them I always bump into Tom Jones on my morning commute, but it's not unusual, it happens everyday, no matter what you say. #lunchpun

1 8

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 6d

Katherine had always felt that she'd been predestined to enjoy Taylor Swifts' tour.

K's Eras era? Whatever will be will be.

#LunchPun

1 1 7

Reposted by John-Paul

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · Jan 23

Told someone a tall story about artist who had a big hit with Shaddap You Face being on a mail ship voting in the best eel competition for Ms Arquette’s entry.

You know, that old lie, Dolce, J, deck RMS, pro Patricia’s moray.

#LunchPun

1 1 7

Reposted by John-Paul

Jonathan Coe @jonathancoe.bsky.social · 7d

This morning I turned on my phone only to find that it had changed my user name to Shirley, and when I tried to enter a simple Google query it came out as "Do you like gladiator movies?"

Then I realised it was in Airplane! mode.

1 140 660

Reposted by John-Paul

Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 7d

- I've just started a new job making jewellery out of small puff pastry cases.
- Vol-au-vent earring?
- No, they pay me.

#LunchPun

2 2 14

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 7d

So many of the great classical music composers are white. But Purcell was whiter than white.

#LunchPun

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 8d

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

Hysterectomy - Thrown womb.

Reposted by John-Paul

Paul Eggleston @pauleggleston.bsky.social · 8d

I'll never admit that I'm still the one who keeps stopping my wife's 'Man, I Feel Like a Woman' CD, because I've got pausable Shaniability.

#LunchPun

2 9 32

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 8d

You can create the complete works of Oasis with an infinite number of mancs with typewriters.

#LunchPun

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 9d

Some kind of primoregeniture I imagine.

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 9d

The new doctor shows the BBC backing away from diversity again.

#DRWHO

1 3

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 9d

“From the family, a man will be made,
A sunny man, a man of war.
At the wedding, a man must choose,
To make an offer he cannot refuse.”

Cosa Nostradamus.

#LunchPun

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 9d

New word of the day.

Ninjarytime - An amazing last minute winning goal.

#Newwordoftheday

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 9d

"Look at the lawman, beating up when I was your man"

Is there life on Bruno Mars?

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 10d

#ItalianFoodstuffInASongOrMovie

Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Cantuccini.

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 10d

New word of the day.

Hosvittle - Food served to patients.

#Newwordoftheday

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 11d

I still think Disney missed a trick not calling their staff catering “vittles while you work”.

1 2